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Glasses are mystical devices used to aid in sight. No one is quite sure how they are made, who they are made by, or how they work, but they are still found upon the faces of millions each and every day. Up until this point in history there has only been one pair of glasses known to contain pure perfection, and those glasses are the ones that rest upon Stephen Colbert's fantastically crafted ears and nose.
If Stephen Colbert has one flaw, it is his eyesight, but thanks to the achievements of glass and wire (it seems that these are the two main components of glasses) he has become flawless. He would try laser surgery but is afraid he might not be able to spot Bears anymore, and that would be a devastating loss to the Nation.
"Take my glasses. They are utterly unnecessary. I was born with perfect vision. Eyes of an eagle. But authority is sexy, and nothing bestows a sense that you know what you are talking about like a pair of specs." [...] Of course, putting on a pair of glasses simply for the sexy air of authority would be a lie, and I am no liar. So six years ago I had Lasik to make me nearsighted. Now I can wear my erotically corrective lenses with a clear conscience."
It is rumored Stephen Colbert's glasses are actually a symbiotic living organsim much like Spawn's costume in the comic book Spawn. Accordingly, they are capable of independant thought, most notably harboring a penchant for seedy gambling establishments and loose women.
Also in the article, Stephen notes how people with glasses are twice as sexy as people with monocles.
Things to point out: Whoever wrote the section of the paragraph that was crossed out was dead wrong on several things:
1. Stephen Colbert has no flaws. None. At all. None.
2. Stephen is afraid of nothing; especially lasers being shot into his eyes. Colbert laughs at lasers.
3. If by some incredibly impossibly event, Stephen Colbert became blind, he would still be able to hunt the godless killing machines that are bears.