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A previously unknown document has recently surfaced from the archives about the re-election for George Washington to his second term. The document’s details are from Mr. Ernest Johnson, a previously unknown political advisor.
J: Mr. President, there have been a large number of slander campaigns mounted against you recently by very shadowy well-funded organizations called “Fuperpacs”.
W: Don’t you mean SuperPacs?
J: Yes, but in this century we make our “S’s” look like “F’s”
W: OK so what are these FuperPacs doing.
J: They’ve been canvasing the country with slanderous broadsides attacking you and your policies. Since their funding comes from unknown sources, we have no idea who is funding it. We suspect they are all orchestrated by Thomas Jefferson who denies any direct involvement, but has opposed many of your policies as President, and your support for Hamilton’s National Bank.
Here is one from a FuperPac called “Fwitf Boat Patriots for the Truth”. In their broadside they claim that during the Christmas Eve Delaware River Crossing, you lay cowering in the stern of the boat instead of standing proudly at its prow like the paintings portray. They go on to say that you are soft on the French and want to jeopardize our national defense by stopping the development of new weapons systems like the repeating bow-and-arrow.
W: What else do you have
J: Here is one from ”Common People against Elitist’s Kings and Presidents”. They claim that you are elitist and remote from the average American citizen and attack you for supporting the “National Bank”. They say that only Private Banks should be permitted even though many are headquartered in the British held Cayman Islands.
Here another particularly vitriolic one from the “Tea Party Birthers” that claims that you are not an American at all, and you were actually born in France – making you a French Citizen. They demand to see your birth certificate.
There is another one from the “Jobs Creating Moonshine FuperPac” that are attacking you levying taxes on alcohol and shutting down illegal moonshine operations!
Here is one from the “Responsible Citizens Against Increasing the National Debt” who are attacking you for supporting Hamilton's proposals to Congress on 14 January 1790, and his recommending a provision for the Support of Public Credit.
Jefferson himself denies that he has any connection or control over these FuperPacs, but it seems clear that their sentiments are coming from statements he’s made about Hamilton and your policies.
W: Isn’t there anything we can do about them?
J: Apparently not. Your recently appointed Chief Justice, John Jay, is of the opinion that corporations have the same right of free speech that individuals do, even if they are owned, funded and share financial interests with foreign countries and less than savory characters. He refuses to hear any cases that might bar their influence.
Original Satire from Steven Friedman
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