G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero

A toy line that began in 1982. Previous incarnations of G.I. Joe action figures were 12 inches tall and resembled dolls. This obviously caused much confusion to impressionable young boys, and surely led many of them to play with their sister’s dolls and become confused about gender roles and even their own sexual identity. Fortunately for the youth of America, toy manufacturer Hasbro decided to re-launch the G.I. Joe line with 3¾ inch figures, copying the scale of the successful Star Wars action figure line.

G.I. Joe was a toy line featuring a heroic group of Americans recruited from all branches of the military and Coast Guard. The G.I. Joe team stood for all that was good about America. They defended freedom, capitalism, Manifest Destiny, and the right to drive multi-ton vehicles that consume copious quantities of fossil fuels. Most importantly, like all real Americans, they had guns. Lots of guns. Handguns, submachine guns, machine guns. You name a gun, they probably had it. Even a few hand-held rocket launchers for good measure. In keeping with traditional American values, a very small number of female “Joes” were allowed to join the team. They, however, were not issued guns. They were provided with crossbows, javelins, or swords to fight evil.

These heroic American action figures battled an evil terrorist organization known as Cobra. Cobra was lead by Cobra Commander, a coward who hid his face behind a hood. Other Cobra leaders included a leather-clad dominatrix known as the Baroness, and her lover Destro, an evil Scotsman who also enjoyed fetish outfits. He dressed in black leather, red velour, and a silver mask. The Cobra organization sought to destroy the American way of life and sink this great nation into a pit of fear, anarchy and hedonism.

Even in the early 1980's, the forward thinking folks at Hasbro knew the truth: Communism was destined to fail and the real threat to America’s future was terrorism. In contrast to the commies, or “reds,” Cobra was known for its distinctive blue outfits and vehicles.

God, Reagan, patriotism, and G.I. Joe reigned supreme in the 1980’s. Life was good.

In the early 1990’s, the G.I. Joe line of toys began its unfortunate descent. In am ominous foreshadowing of the Clinton era, G.I. Joe figures became more flamboyant, wearing outlandish outfits that featured bright neon colors. In 1991, the Joes became tree-huggers with the introduction of the “Eco-Warriors.” Dressing in the aforementioned neon colors, they fought capitalists, who they branded as criminals and polluters.

Having lost its way and been corrupted by liberals, the G.I. Joe line ended in 1994. The Clintons and their ilk are surely responsible for the once proud line of toys ending its run in a jumbled mess of “Eco-Warriors,” “Super Sonic Fighters,” “Talking Battle Commanders,” “Air Commandos,” “Ninja Force,” “Dino Hunters,” “Star Brigade,” “Mega Marines,” and “Street Fighter” toys.

Fortunately, the patriotic appeal of the G.I. Joe line of toys could not be denied. The past few years have seen the reemergence of these proud American toys. This can be seen as reflecting the increasing terrorist threat to America, or just a fun way of encouraging kids to join the military.

Other EnemiesEdit

When not battling Cobra, the Joes fought commies (the Oktober Guard) and dirty hippies (the Dreadnoks). They also would go into third world countries on occasion and shoot rabble-rousers in the name of freedom.

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