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Fundamental Christianity

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IntroductionEdit

Manholdingsnakes

Fundamentalist Christian

Fundamental Christianity is the most basic, truthy version of Christianity. It does not concern itself with 'the facts', it is truly from the gut.

HistoryEdit

When Jesus went to heaven, he told his followers to let snakes bite them, dance around, and to speak in "tongues". He told the women to wear their hair long, wear long dresses, and to not wear makeup. These truthy Christians are now known as Pentecostals.

BeliefsEdit

They believe in the literal word of the Bible. But not just any old Bible, it has to be the one and only New American Bible. Any other Bible takes away from what America/Jesus originally intended to say.

RitualsEdit

  • Letting snakes bite their extremities.
  • Dancing in circles while 'speaking in tongues'.

Creation BeliefEdit

They believe that every single word of the Bible is God-breathed. They believe in the truthiest version of creation. That God literally created the Earth in six days.

Flood StoryEdit

Again, they believe every word of the Bible. They believe that after the flood, Noah's son raped him in a vineyard, along with his two daughters so they could get pregnant. This is why it is believed today that Noah was from West Virginia.

Afterlife Belief(s)Edit

Like all good Christians, they believe that only the saved will go to Heaven, i.e. Republicans, G.W. Bush, and all good Americans.

Everyone else goes straight to Hell.

Holy FiguresEdit

HeavenlyEdit

  • Jesus
  • God
  • The Eleven Apostles (Only eleven; we all know that Judas burns in hell.)


Heaven is a place where they can praise Jesus everyday without fear of reprisal from Liberals, Communists, Mooslims, Jews, or Gays.

EarthlyEdit

Fundamentalists TodayEdit

Today, fundamentalism has branched to all corners of the globe. Unfortunately, some Mooslim extremists follow an un-Godly form of Islam and blow themselves up.

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