Fred Phelps

Crazy? Me?

Fred Phelps is a former Great American. Back when he picketed the funerals of godless homosexuals, he was loved by all right-thinking Americans. But then he started harassing military funerals, and Republicans realized he was in fact a liberal. However, if he goes back to picketing fags, or bears, he will again be loved by all.

There has been only one miracle performed by a member of Phelps' church: making Sean Hannity seem reasonable.

The PhelpsEdit

Baby Jesus
The Baby Jesus and The Baby Satan
are fighting over the very soul of
Fred Phelps

The Phelps is similar to the Preparation H; neither are available to the terrorists. If they were, it would be a serious breach of National Security, and the hemorrhoids that terrorists have would be soothed temporarily. Until his capture four days after he attacked America, Osama bin Laden had 5,000 sleeper cells looking for it. Bin Laden was as determined to get the Phelps as he was to kill Bobby Brown.

For Americans indoctrinated by Hollywood, the Phelps is similar to the Kevin Bacon game: you follow the logic from one connection to another until you connect to the necessary threat to America's moral fiber or family values.

Real Americans recognize the Phelps as being similar to the DaColbert Code.

How to Use The PhelpsEdit

Due to Pastor Fred's refined intuition, he is able to feel threats to America (and her way of life) before they happen, and much like Jesus he is able to determine how it developed, all the way back to its origin. Take for instance Pastor Fred's first proclamation: God Hates Fags.

There are some who say that God does not hate fags, but that was before 9/11. We have Pastor Fred to thank for his revolutionary contribution.

The next application of the corollary, "God Hates Fags" is the transitive connection, that Fags Hate America, which is a given.

Which brings us the logical conclusion: God Hates Fags (1, the truism), and whoever supports them (America when it likes Gays) (2, the condition), therefore, Pastor Fred must protest at soldiers funerals (3, the conclusion). And, the consequences if Pastor Fred is not obeyed (#4): The terrorists win.

It is well-known that God also hates Canada, Sweden, and the entire European continent... because they won't let Phelps go there. When Pastor Fred first introduced this Truthyism, many people refused to accept its pure logic. But now that it is almost time for another election, it has become so clear.

God duped you into eating your babies!!!

Other Applications of the PhelpsEdit

1. Republicans may lose seats in Congress
2. because liberals control the media
3. Therefore, ABC must air a TV show blaming Bill Clinton for 9/11
4. Otherwise, the terrorists win.

See? It makes so much sense now.

Let's try another one:

1. Republicans cannot overcome their disadvantage in the liberal media
2. because Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert deftly employ their "Satanic Spirit of Mockery"
3. Therefore people need to vote Republican (who are so Godly, they do not mock).
4. Otherwise, the terrorists win.

Fred's PrayerEdit

"We hate America"


See AlsoEdit

External TubesEdit

I am Fred Phelps and and my lawyer swears I'm not a
Fred Phelps
is a Truthiness Crusader!
Hey Ma!
Pack your banjo and chewin' t'backer, we fixin' to enjoy us some
Fred Phelps