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|Much like the Easter Bunny hides easter eggs for good little children to find so that they might celebrate the resurrection from the dead of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, |
or the Tooth Fairy hides quarters beneath the pillows of sleeping children to celebrate the new teeth that will fill in their temporarily hideous, jack-o-lantern-like gaping mouths,
|~ The Holy Bible, Exxonidus 3:23, 34-37|
And just as the child of man consumes the candy in the Easter Egg, or spends the Tooth Fairy money on a shiny new toy, so must the Child of God demonstrate his understanding of God's cosmic plan by spending God's buried treasure: the so-called "fossil fuels."
For it is only when we have used all of the treasures that God has hidden for us in his good Earth that he will know that we have truly received of his bounty, and that we are ready to rapturously depart this planet.
What are Fossil Fuels?Edit
Fossil fuels are a category of wonderful substances that God has hidden deep in the ground for the benefit of humankind. They include oil, coal, and natural gas. God placed these gifts in spots around the world that He, in His infinite wisdom, wants us to completely destroy in our quest to extract them. These spots include the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge, the Middle East, and Canada.
How did they get this misnomer?Edit
The name "fossil fuels" was coined by a bunch of godless liberal scientists, who actually believe that these fuels were created by heat and pressure exerted on fossils, sediments, and other organic matter over millions of years. This ridiculous theory is obviously false, since the bible says that the earth is only 6,000 years old.
What can you do with them?Edit
God intended for us to use lots and lots of fossils fuels. They can be used in vehicles such as hummers and private jets so that we can conveniently travel places. They can also be used in power plants so that we have electricity to power our TVs and watch The Report. And don't worry about all the carbon emissions that come from burning fossil fuels. God would not just sit back and let us destroy our planet.