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Football is God's game, invented by man. Hence the American Government's mandate that Football be capitalized in all text. Failure to do so results in beheading.
It was designed when a group of drunks decided they felt like bacon on their hamburger. They ended up chasing a pig around, trying to get it out through the other end of the paddock. They were interupted by a vegetarian hippie who told them that pigs have feelings and should be left alone. Hence when they finished their hamburgers, they wrapped up the hippie in the pigskin and started throwing him around. It was considered special to kick the hippie and thus the kicker is now the player who most often wins games. And due to the kicker's importance, he cannot be touched without penalty.
Levels of FootballEdit
There are different levels of Football; all with equal 'performance enhanced' participants. They are:
- High School
- Professional aka NFL
- Arena league
- Canadian and/or Australian
High School Football serves the purpose of evaluating a human being's worth in the world (or at least his hometown) at the earliest age possible. If a man is able to overcome sucking at Football early in life and become good at Football later in life, it is no less heroic than Nelson Mandela's rise from imprisonment to leader of... whatever nation he is from (Who really cares? He has never played Football).
Currently, College Football is fed by the talent-rich states of California, Florida and Texas. The way that other states win Football games is by importing the talent of these 3 states. In exchange for their Football talent, Florida receives rain, California receives hookers and actresses (same thing), and Texas receives Mexicans. These are trade-offs that are not understood, but are maintained due to unions.
The greatest college football rivalry is between the University of Michigan and Ohio State University. Michigan currently leads in the series 57-41-10, although half the games they won happened before the forward pass was even invented, but Michigan is still the better team. Another, not quite so big, rivalry exists in Dallas between The University of Texas Longhorns and the ou sooners, the Longhorns lead 57-40-5 therefore they are more manly than the Sooners.
The greatest college football player since O.J. Simpson is Tim Tebow. A man so manly he doesn't need men or women to have sex. Thus he's a virgin.
Professional Football is the most 'performance enhanced'. So much so that it is not understood how talented Football players continue to survive. Small 'nads' do not produce 'jizz'. Yet Football talent continues to thrive. Professional Football players are also paid an insane amount of money to play this beloved sport on Sundays, sometimes Mondays, and rarely Thursdays. But we look up to them in most of our life choices no matter who they are or what they do, most of them are on pot or roids but yet they are American Heroes to everyone!
Arena league football is for pussies who cant run a full Football field and who weren't good enough for the NFL. The teams have 40-something year olds as their QBs who cant get a real job because they couldn't make it into college.
Canadian and/or AustralianEdit
Canadian Football is for players which either weren't good enough for the NFL or were banned from the NFL and decided to play in the freezing cold territory north of Jesusland. One of the biggest former NFL stars who had to play in the Canadian league was Ricky Williams of the Dolphins, he had to many failed drug tests for marijuana and was suspended for a year.
Australian Football is played with no pads and could have been more manly than American Football had they not worn uniforms that resemble those worn by Richard Simmons. Not much is known about this mysterious version of Football, but the fans there are fucking crazy.
Sports Football Should NOT Be Confused WithEdit
- "After all, is football a game or a religion?" Howard Cosell
If you lose to the Miami Dolphins there is no hope... At least last year in the 2007 season. This year if you lose to the Detroit Lions, you no longer have to go into hiding like in previous years.