Baby Jesus
Federal Emergency Management Agency
Makes The Baby Jesus™ Happy
And that Makes Stephen happy, too!
Federal Emergency Management Photo-Ops Agency

Fema logo

Agency of:Department of Homeland Security
Director:R. David "Duct Tape" Paulison
Director Emeritus:Michael "Heck of a Job" Brownie

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is now officially known as the Federal Emergency Photo-Ops Agency, but has kept its well-known acrynym. It is a major agency of the Department of Homeland Security.


FEMA has been around for a long time, but it was nearly destroyed during the Dark Days (Clinton administration). Clinton foolishly appointed a witless man named James Witt to head the agency despite his utter lack of qualifications for the job.

In fact, Witt even admitted in his thin resume that he had experience only with something he called "emergency preparedness." It should have been clear even to Clinton that this was an oxymoronic notion. There's no such thing as emergency preparedness. You're either prepared in advance or you're not. It's simple. You cannot become prepared as an emergency condition. And yet, this is what Witt was allowed pass off as a "qualification".

When he ascended to The Presidency, George W. Bush corrected this glaring deficiency by appointing a friend of a friend to take over FEMA. The man he appointed, Michael Brown was far more qualified than Witt could ever hope to be. Brown had previously been director for the Arabian Horse Association -- a job that required a great deal of party planning and deck-chair rearrangement, perfect qualifications for the new FEMA.


Today FEMA operates as a major agency of the Department of Homeland Security. The Under Secretary for Federal Emergency Photo-Ops (FEMA) sends flow charts directly to the Secretary of Homeland Security.

FEMA currently manages the National Flood Insurance Boot-Straps Program and builds trailers in various swamp-lands around the country. Other programs that were previously administered by FEMA have since been given colorful new circular flow charts or subcontracted to Halliburton.

The Under Secretary for Federal Emergency Photo-Ops is also the Director of FEMA. R. David "Duct Tape" Paulison was confirmed to fill the position.

Response CapabilitiesEdit


FEMA director meets in public with elected officials to inspect Texas

FEMA's emergency response is based around small, decentralized teams of photographers, videographers, set decorators, writers and other technicians trained to swiftly create powerful photo opportunities for government officials during times of natural or man-made disaster.

Other offices in the Agency provide support for prayer-team strike forces that fan out across the country to pray for the brave victims of natural disaster and to collect signatures for "Marriage Protection Amendments" in swing states.

Press ConferencesEdit

FEMA must keep the public abreast of all their activities. To do this, FEMA invites a person to answer questions and others to ask them.


  • FEMA was involved during the Clinton Administration in a global conspiracy involving extraterrestrials. Fox Mulder quashed this conspiracy once the Greatest President Ever! ascended to the Presidency.
  • Alabama passed a new law banning FEMA from ever coming to their state.

Federal Emergency Management Agency
is part of the United States Federal Government.
Don't ask; asking only helps the terrorists.

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