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Exfoliation was a Featured Word on 04/13/07.
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is a ritual Our Glorious Stephen
recommends everyone perform at least daily.

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The Stephen Colbert Face Cleansing Routine is the only way I moisturize my situation and preserve my sexy.
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~ P. Diddy

Exfoliation is a process by which Our Glorious Stephen maintains his gorgeous "body of youth".[1] Dr. Colbert[2] developed his own exfoliation process which he calls The Official Stephen Colbert Face-Cleansing Routine™.[3]


The Official Stephen Colbert Face-Cleansing Routine™ is the only exfoliation process Stephen recommends.

Why Exfoliate?Edit

"Exfoliation: it's like voting for your skin!"™

How to Exfoliate[4]Edit

Step 1.Edit

Ask someone what type of skin you have[5], since you don't see skin type.

Step 2.Edit

Buy or create a cleanser that is appropriate for your skin type. If creating the cleanser, use an abrasive material such as:

pumice stone
gold flakes
crushed bald eagle shell

Step 3.Edit

Open your pores with a hot shower or bath; or by screaming to an adoring studio audience underneath hot television lights 4 times a week, 42 weeks a year.Episode #312

Step 4.Edit


Scrub upward lackey!

Have an intern apply the cleanser to your skin. Always have her scrub in an upward direction. Always up! If the intern scrubs downwards, fire her immediately. If done correctly, this step will not only remove the crap from your skin, but make you look at least 25 years younger. If done incorrectly, you might as well kiss your face goodbye. [6]

Step 5.Edit

Have your intern thoroughly rinse the muck off your face using freezing cold water or compressed air (at least 100psi).

Step 6.Edit

The intern should now pat your face dry using 20 dollar bills.

Step 7.Edit


Moisturizing is important, too

Moisturize liberally with the correct variety of Stephen's Essence Brand Facial Moisturizers™.[7]

Step 8.Edit

Slap your skin vigorously until all feeling returns. Slap the intern, just because you can.[8] Now, you will not be as beautiful as Stephen Colbert, but at least you don't look like John Stewart.

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My skin needed to be disciplined. The Stephen Colbert Face Cleansing Routine did it!
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~ Jessica Simpson


  1. See:Deepak Choprah
  2. He holds Honorary Doctorates in Dermatology from not one, but two seperate institutes of higher education.
  3. available for purchase at
  4. Note: The Stephen Colbert Face-Cleansing Routine™ is just one element of the 1,111-step process known as Stephen Colbert's Beauty Regimen™ (also available for purchase at
  5. Republican, Democrat, Independent, or Combination
  6. See: Michael Jackson
  7. Look for our new EZ-SQUEEZE package!
  8. ...and/or because she has asked you to do so.

See AlsoEdit

is available for purchase
from and for the benefit of Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.

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