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English is a silly language for silly people derived from American.
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Language: Fairy (55 million speakers) Limey (2 speakers)
Sex: Slow and uneventful
Diet: Irish babies
Hobbies: Drinking Tea, watching Footy(soccer), Romantic comedy, worshipping Yoda and Jude Law, picking lint off houndstooth, avoiding mirrors, avoiding dentists, fostering a national amnesia regarding their colonialism.
English are created from sex between a Saxon and an Anglo, which creates an Anglo Saxon. The Anglo Saxon then matures to where it gets hair on its tiny ball sack and becomes an englishman or englishwoman. (This usually occurs around age 21 for men, 12 for women). The English technically arent european but demons who escaped the 7th layer of hell and settled in Iceland, characterized by their large foreheads, thin lips and pointy noses. They are usually very pale and grainy in texture. Some believe Bram Stoker got his classic Nosferatu Image from an Englishman he met in a London brothel. 
Early History Edit
Kicked out of the underworld for being too evil and horrid for even the prince of darkness himself, the English emigrated from Iceland around 2,000 years BA (Before America). Why emigrate to a ugly little island like Britain? Because Iceland is an ugly island and atleast Britains warmer. Around 1,000 years BA, the English killed King Arthur. then set about killing other things like Irish, Scottish, Jews, French(this is good) Indians (nerdy and cool kind), Chinese ect. The English were finally defeated by Mel Gibson around 500 BA during the battle of Braveheart. 100 years later the English finally became civilized and invented a language. Until then they usually communicated in hisses and grunts. This was possibly the worst language in the world. Ironically English would become the most widely spoken language on the planet for the next 200 years until the invention of American (Gods language). Naturally the english being notorious emo's decided they no longer liked being part of the IN crowd and Queens English was lost forever when it split into two distinct dialicts. Limey and Fairy.
1700 something to 1945 Edit
One day an English man named Karl Marx got tired of working and going to church so he invented communism. He eventually became king of england and dressed his soldiers in Commie red and went about conquering things with the help of 3 or 4 scots. The English fought a succession of 15 wars with France (nobody knows what over) and compiled a record of 14:1:1. The French eventually won a war against the english with the help of baby jesus and America. World War 0 After and America won its freedom from the Saxon menace, the english generally left Gods people alone, only to stop by for a quick ass beaten in 1812.
England won a few more wars and aquired an empire half the size of Texas. Which happened to be the largest empire in the world. America actually has the largest, but empire is Communist. Around 1890 after defeating the Spanish and freeing the slaves, America felt sorry for its brothers across the blue big thing, and decided to free them from their shackles of commie'ism. America sent its most powerful Jedi knight Winston Churchill to defeat the evil empire. He eventual won of course with the help of Jesus power. Churchill then had sex with every englishwoman in England, eventully spawning a race of Ameri-english. (they dig sexy hollywood accents in England) The hybrid Ameri-English have accounted for every single Olympic Gold medal the English have ever won in the Olympics. Yep, all 2. They also made up 7 of the 11 English soccer players that won the 1966 World Cup.
America and the English eventually became bestest friends and America would even save England from the commies and fascists in 2 world wars.
Modern History Edit
England eventually became the 51 state of America and enjoys the many benefits of American life. Obesity, dental care, rollercoasters, employment, God. They make up 1/8 of Americas Army, Airforce and Navy. President Bush plans to send a Englishman to space by the year 2012.
Popular Fairy Phrases Edit
- "Well ello Guvna! Tip top evening this is mate"
- "Oi matey, care to watch a bit o footy?"
- "Simply dreeeadful(stress the E) morning init chap, bloody wankers forgot me sugar for me blasted tea!"
- "Shaken, not stirred"
Popular Limey Phrases Edit
- "Oi, it feckin zulu prick needs a right ole kickin in his motha's gobbers"
Notable Englishmen Edit
- William Shakespear
- David Beckham
- Queen Elizabeth
- British Bulldog
- Tom Sawyer
- Oliver Twist
- Tupac Shakur