England is America’s grumpy grandfather, always miserable and moaning about how he used to be great. Tied to tradition and unwilling to change, they still have monarchy. Why? His pompous ass takes pleasure in pointing out every little mistake Americans make, which aren’t really mistakes because America can do no wrong. However, as good family value Americans we still take care of the old man.
"There is a forgotten, nay almost forbidden word, which means more to me than any other. That word is England." The words of Winston Churchill one of many great Englishmen that have tried over the centuries to civilise the rest of the world. Remember you are an Englishman and you have won first prize in the lottery of life
The history of this sceptred isle is a bit like the yellow brick road in the wizard of oz. It is long, colurful and full of strange characters who teach you nothing you didn't already know about yourself.
It starts in the bronze age when celts from mainland europe migrated here and mixed with the indigenous people. The first people to invade were the romans and to be fair to them they built roads, and towns that we couldnt be arsed to build ourselves. Why should we when there were foreigners here to do it for us?
We let them stay until the 5th century by which time we had got bored with them insisting that every town have chester or caster in its name. It showed a distinct lack of imagination and we didnt want that in the country that was destined to rule the world.
Trouble was once the romans left the celtic tribes started fighting amongst themselves and chaos reigned until one chieftain had the dumb idea of inviting the germans to the party in the form of anglo saxon mercenaries. Credit where its due though the kraut soldiers of fortune calmed the things down but unfortunately for the chieftains they refused to leave. They drove the celts to wales and cornwall, divided the country in to 7 kingdoms and ruled without incident until the vikings came on the scene.
Everyone knows that the vikings invaded england but the biggest influence the norsemen had on english history was their invasion of france and the creation of the kingdom of normandy. This is because in 1066 the normans invaded southern England and despite religious troubles and a civil war their descendants have sat on the throne ever since.
If the Normans had any balls they would have invaded the north where people love a tear up things may have been very different but they didnt and the rest as they say is history.
History Hating The FrenchEdit
The french are known for their fries, their toast and their snails but their most significant role in history is as a training ground for the german army. So often did the krauts pop over the border to say boo to the frogs that a law had to be introduced saying that only Germans under the age of ten years old are permitted to threaten France. Anyone older would run the risk of accidentally crushing the fragile country under their goose-stepped foot as they cross Western Europe or cause the entire French population to retreat into the Atlantic Ocean out of sheer fear.
Although Cricket and Rugby are famous English sports, in the main they are played only by toffs. The country's real national game is called football. Its name derives from the fact that it is played without padding or helmets, and because it involves kicking a ball with your feet. To support a football team you must be willing to punch the living daylights out of anyone who insults your beloved club. Supporters that engage each other in battle are known as firms, with the most feared of these being the Midlands-based Special Needs Crew. The major teams in England are Manchester United because LA Galaxy star David Beckham (bless him) once played for them and Liverpool, Aston Villa, Port Vale and Chelski because these are the teams supported by the aforementioned Special Needs Crew. So notorious are these hooligans than Robbie Williams wrote the song Burslem Normals about them.
There is no such thing as English Cuisine. Why would there be? Cuisine is a french word and if theres one think we English hate more than pretentious twats who sit around all day talking about food its those snail munching french ponces from across the English Channel. Not the French, Dutch or Belgium Channel but the English Channel.
Real English food is something that can be caught, cooked, consumed and crapped out by the time we have necked our 10th pint. A fried Breakfast, Fish n Chips, Donner Kebabs and Chicken Tikka Massala all work for me.
People from different parts of England speak in different dialects, and become overly proud of them. So if a Cockney from London goes to Manchester, he will be hunted down and "glassed". The people from the North of England hate the people of the South and vice versa. The country is on the verge of a civil war, doomed to be fought with swords and broken bottles over how to say their vowels.
Just as the English got their comeuppance from the Indians from India, they also got it from the Indians (Native Americans) of the US by doing a very complicated rain dance that has since cursed England under a cloud for ever more. It rains more than Seattle, if the rumours are to be believed, and the ever present rain further causes the English to drink. The sun makes a rare appearance, which causes the pasty English boys and girls to head for cover,as the sun is for faggots,the English prefer to be out in the rain as it is more manly.
If you're ever stuck for conversation in England, strike up some chat about the weather; it's a sure hit. English people complain about the weather non-stop. If it's sunny, it's too hot. If it's frosty, it's too cold. If it's overcast, great debate occurs. Win some friends in England by joining in this debate.
England has many great cities but London is not one of them. Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, Leeds and Newcastle all have far more going for them than the cess pit down south. England's capital city is full of shit football teams, junkie rockstars and the overspill of Hitler's plan to win the war by spreading gayness around Great Britain.Fortunately those of us North of Nottingham are not as easy to bend over a barrel as the pussies down south so this sceptred isle was saved from nazi oppression until Margaret Thatcher took over in 1979.
It's widely agreed that the best city in England, is Manchester. There are scores of reasons for this, but perhaps the simplest is this: unlike London, no French people are allowed to live in Manchester. As a result of this, the city maintains a higher standard of drinking, fighting, grey weather and generally being harder than Southerners. (For a similar situation across the border, see Glasgow).
A Typical Day In EnglandEdit
After waking up at approximately 7:01AM, many English people enjoy a game of Cricket in their striped pyjamas. Following this, many English people cleanse themselves in the shower; the proceed to have a breakfast of Tea on Toast, with freshly brewed Teacakes (not actually eaten at Teatime, as some people conceive).
After eating breakfast it is generally considered the done thing to don one's bowler hat, step outside in a freshly picked suit and umberella to go to work on a Red Bus. It is yet unknown what the main sector of Employment is within the United Kingdom; however most say that it involves working.
Then it's time for afternoon tea, the most important tea-break in the day. Anyone drinking coffee is arrested and put in the Tower of London. Then it's back to work.
Finishing at 5:03PM approximately, English folk then have a cup of tea, throw a brick at Scotland, Laugh at the Welsh, wee on France and get too tired to do anything else to Ireland; so retire to be with a warm blanket, cup of hot. . . cocoa. .and tartan slippers to sleep with the worlds most beautiful women- English Women.
'Bad Wolf' is another term for the time spent at work.