Elvis Aaron Presley (born January 8, 1935), was an American singer, musician and actor. He is also known as "The King of Rock 'n' Roll," or simply "The King." Later in life, Elvis served as Richard Nixon's right hand man. As explained in more detail below, constant rumors have circulated regarding whether Elvis is still alive.
Elvis eventually inherited his wealthy father's estate and duties as the adjutant of Virginia. As district adjutant, which made him Major Presley at the age of 20, Elvis was charged with training the militia in the quarter assigned him. Responsible for training the militia, it was only a matter of time before Elvis had to go to war.
Due to his responsibilities with the militia, Elvis went abroad to somewhere in Old Europe to participate in some war that history has (or at least I have) largely forgotten. Elvis fought many soldiers from the Axis of Evil, including Italy, Japan, and Germany. As usual, the French were no help during this conflict and pretty much hid from the fighting.
Elvis captured Germans in charge of a POW camp, including Colonel
Tom Parker Klink. Elvis set the POWs free, and held the Germans prisoner. Elvis grew tired of listening to the Colonel's worrying about being transferred to the Russian front, and Elvis threatened to execute the Colonel rather than having to listen to him. The Colonel promised to help Elvis obtain fortune and fame if Elvis spared his life. Elvis agreed and snuck the Colonel back to America with him in his suitcase after the war.
Return to AmericaEdit
The Colonel became Elvis' manager and encouraged him to make musical recordings, grow long hair, and wear leather clothing in the typical, Old European S&M style of the Colonel's homeland. The Colonel next set about to try to get Elvis' music played on the radio.
Meanwhile, to make end's meat, Elvis opened a catering business. Elvis specialized in Southern dishes, including: (1) pork chops, meatloaf, and steak combined into a pudding; and (2) the peanut butter and banana sandwich. Elvis' most famous dish was the "Fool's Gold Loaf" which is prepared by hollowing out an entire loaf of bread, and filling in the bread loaf with peanut butter, jelly, and bacon.
The Colonel struggled to boost Elvis' popularity in the entertainment world, and subsequently, he and Elvis struggled to get by. Although Elvis' catering business was successful, the Colonel discovered that Elvis continually ate most of the profits from the business.
Fortunately, Elvis' catering business was short-lived. By the Mid-1950s, the Colonel had succeeded in guiding Elivs' career and getting him played on the radio. Elvis was becoming popular enough to focus on his entertainment career. Nationwide, the kids flocked to his concerts. Some of his concerts even sparked riots.
Some Communists considered Elvis' blazing all-American sexuality to be a threat to their ability to brain wash Americans to get them to fall in love with Russia. These Commies formulated a plot to discredit Elvis by propagating the rumor that Elvis' dancing made the Baby Jesus weep. True Americans saw through this ploy and Elvis' popularity did not waiver.
Retirement from MusicEdit
By the late-1960s, Elvis had accomplished everything in the entertainment field that he had set out to do. He even staged a series of concerts in the late 1960s to show Hippie bands, like The Beatles, that he was still the King of Rock. Thus, Elvis decided to retire.
Immediately upon announcing his retirement, Newly-elected President Richard Nixon requested that Elvis join his Presidential Cabinet as Secretary of Defense. Unable to pass up an opportunity to work with his Republican hero, Elvis decided to enter the world of politics.
Having already developed a hatred for Hippies and Communists, Elvis had no problem fitting in with the Nixon administration. Elvis even learned Karate to fight the Vietnamese in Vietnam using hand-to-hand combat. It is said that Elvis' karate skills were responsible for helping Nixon to bring a quick end to the Democrat-started war in Vietnam.
was impeached and resigned decided to leave the Presidency early, Elvis thought that it would also be a good time to leave politics. Elvis spent the remainder of his days eating his favorite dishes, like the "Fools Gold Loaf," and occassionally performing in Las Vegas.
Reports surfaced that Elvis died on August 16, 1977 after choking on a meatloaf and white panty sandwich.
Has the King Left the Building?Edit
Persistent Rumors about Elvis' DeathEdit
Although everyone knows that the King is still alive, there have been persistent rumors that he passed away on Auugust 16, 1977. If he's dead, you liberals, then how come we see him EVERYWHERE? Yeah, I thought so, fatass.
$cientologists, in particular, are responsible for producing propaganda that Elvis is still alive. Similar to the conspiracy behind the so-called moon landing, $cientologists orchestrated a campaign to attempt to show that Elvis is still alive and that he is some sort of $cientology alien. $cientologists even doctored photographs of Elvis in hopes of encouraging the kids who love Elvis to become $cientologists. Elvis is not a $cientologist, he is a good Christian. Nevertheless, such propaganda reportedly influenced the likes of John Travolta and Tom Cruise to become $cientologists.
Return to TelevisionEdit
In 2007, Elvis stepped back into the limelight to prove that he was not dead, nor was he a $cientologist. Elvis performed on American Idol with Celine Dion to quiet all of the rumors about him once-and-for-all.
Elvis slipped away after his performance before anyone could interview him. It was rumored that Elvis was looking for an all night diner that served meatloaf.
- Coined the term "flubber-buns" in 1976.
- Often wore a jelly sandwich to bed.
- Contrary to popular rumor, Elvis never sang a song about teddy bears, nor any other kind of bears.