Everyone wants a piece of Elvira!!! In Soviet Russia, Elvira wants a piece of YOU!!!
I am you, but with bigger t*ts"
Elvira, the Mistress of the Dark, is the socialist commie queen of slutty marxist prostitutes, whose main mission is to kill The Baby Jesus by feeding him with her poisonous breast milk, and to turn America into a Communist dictatorship run by herself and her progressive propaganda wing, The Huffington Post.
Elvira (born as Cassandra Peterson) is the daughter of Adam and Lilith. Lilith was Adam's first wife but they got divorced as soon as he found out that Lilith was a Feminazi. She was constantly demanding equal rights, and she refused to cook, clean, and slave for him. Adam warned her that if she did not submit to him he would call God and have her ass kicked out of The Garden of Eden. She made the choice easy for Adam, she just packed up her bags and left him, she took Elvira with her.
After Adam divorced Lilith and married his
secretary mistress new wife Eve, he refused to pay child support so Lilith was forced to find herself a new man. Enter Lucifer, the King of Hell and Heaven's traitor. Many suspect that Lucifer hired the snake to deceive Eve to eat the apple as a payback.
Queen of DarknessEdit
As the child of Lucifer she knew she was royalty and had a legitimate claim to the throne, so did the other 32,576 half siblings of hers (and that's not including those born out of wedlock). With the help of her mother 15,275 of her siblings met with unexpected accidents; 3,125 died of food poison; 7,361 disappeared mysteriously; and 9,472 died under mysterious circumstances. The rest of her siblings have since then surrendered their claims to the throne.
Her Huge TalentEdit
They are huge, big, humongous. And those tits arent bad either.
Her Past LoversEdit
Elvira is known for having a long list of lovers, including Our Glorious Stephen but because she dabbles on the Dark Arts and refuses to worship the Baby Jesus, Stephen had to break up with her. It hasnt been the same ever since so she keeps throwing herself to a new pile lovers each day just to alleviate her heartbroken heart.
- Stephen Colbert
- John Stewart
- David Letterman
- Bill Clinton
- Eliot Spitzer
- David Vitter
- John Edwards
- Joseph Stalin
- Hugo Chavez
- Rush Limbaugh
- Christine O'Donnell What? She was experimenting in college!
- Newt Gingrich
- Gary Hart
- Tiger Woods
- Dominique Strauss-Kahn
- Mark Sanford
- Anthony's Weiner
She was once married to that sexual deviant Hugh Hefner, after the divorce she got a ton of money and started her own television show.
Nobel Peace PrizeEdit
She received the Nobel Peace Prize for her role in the 1996 "Transylvanian-Hungarian Peace Treaty" between Vampires and Werewolves.