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Elephants (elle-EE-Faaaant) are large creatures that live in San Diego, Africa, Mexico, Asia, and India. They have thick grey skin and ivory tusks laden in precious South African diamonds. They are the second largest living land mammal behind the Yeti (aka Big Foot).
The elephants once faced the threat of extinction. Ironically, this was a result of efforts by environmentalists and other liberals to "protect" these noble beasts. In the last six months, a tremendous comeback has been made, largely because of George W. Bush's efforts to encourage elephants to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps." The population of elephants has tripled in size from January to June during 2006 - but environmentalists will not have you believe this. However, truthiness and wikiality activist Stephen Colbert has shown that the elephant population has actually tripled. Growth in elephant population was achieved thanks to Colbert fathering over 1,000 elephant pups. It is unknown how this was accomplished, but it seems likely that a special, as-yet unannounced elephant version of his popular Formula 402 was involved.
For someone new to the business of elephant relations, it will be initially only possible to tell which continent an elephant is from by listening for an accent or telltale stereotype mannerisms. As one gains experience, he or she will find that, in fact, they are all quite different. While the Asian and Indian elephants are strictly herbivores, its African relative is a beastly killer who feasts on the weaker African creatures. The American elephant is a different beast entirely, and is actually much more exciting and special than a regular elephant is.
God placed all elephants on Earth 6010 years ago to replace the Woolly mammoths, which hadn't been working out so well.
It has been determined that God is responsible for the recent unforeseen population growth of the African elephant. After President Bush prayed for the elephants, He did this in order to help America with the ivory drought of 2005.
God's prototype for the elephant was the well known Woolly mammoth. The mammoth proved to be a singularly inept creature, unfit to survive due to its overly heavy coat of shaggy hair and comically long tusks. The widely accepted theory of the cause of the extiction of the Woolly mammoth is that it was wiped out by none other than Chuck Norris. This only after the advent of indoor plumbing which rendered the primary occupation of Mammoths, as comical talking showers, obsolete.
Mammoths are thought to be one of the primary causes of dinosaur extinction, largely because of their eating habits, which involved running really fast with their heads down skewering dozens of the slow-moving cold-blooded lizards on their enormous tusks. Shish Kabobs were inspired by this process.
That mammoths, and the dinosaurs they allegedly skewered off the planet, actually existed is a subject of intense scientific debate. While the existence of such comical creatures are supported by arguments that involve "science" and "carbon," the suggestion that man has not always been the ruler of the planet fills others with discomfort.
Asian elephants enjoy munching on trees most of the day. While African elephants hunt for live prey at night. Newborn infants are their preferred diet, although in times of extreme hardship, they will take sloppy seconds on Ann Coulter - which has lead to an outbreak of horrible flesh-eating diseases.
The trunk is one of the less important body parts of an elephant. Its main use is for drinking water, eating food, and slurping blood. But it is really not necessary for survival. In India trunks are being cut off and used in various clothes and food. If you cut off an elephant's trunk, it will regrow three in or under Pi seconds. The trunk is also used to spank other elephants.
Tusks are important for both types of elephants as a means of harvesting food.
The Asian and Indian elephants use their tusks to topple trees and then they eat the leaves and bark. Each elephant eats nearly four trees a day. They are destroying the environment at an alarming rate.
The Africans are believed to use their tusks for killing. its believed that they impale their prey and suck it dry of blood through small holes on the tusk. If an elephant's tusks are removed the elephant will then regurgitate its stomach onto its intended meal and absorb nutrients via exogenous digestion.
In general, elephant tusks are easily regrown once removed, and removing elephant tusks is considered helpful to their physical and social health.
Asian elephants teeth are much like certain species of whale in the way that they are grasslike and catch food inside the threads for later eating. They utilize these teeth by running - with their teeth exposed to the air - and catching the insects that get caught in them.
The African species has sharp lion-like teeth used for killing and playing a variety of reed instruments.
Their ears are so huge that they nearly touch the ground allowing other animals to eat them. Their ears grow constantly and, if eaten, will just grow back in about an hour. Consequently, it is vitally important that they are eaten, lest their ears grow to encompass the world in a gray pachydermal noachian apocalypse.
The elephant's penis has many features in common with its trunk, in that when erect it has the ability to curl and extend upwards, and to hold onto things. Erect, the adult male's penis is almost as long as it's trunk. Also like the trunk, it is capable of creating a suction, thus having a capability to pleasure the female during copulation, or to disengage other males seeking to pleasure it with their trunks. You can see how magnificent they are by watching some pornography.
The elephant's testicles - about the size of a "respectable cantaloupe" - are located under 2 inches of skin, 12 inches of muscle, and 4 inches of fat. Consequently, elephant vasectomies are extremely difficult to perform.
American elephants are far more aggressive than their African and Asian relatives. They spend their days eating donkeys. In 2000 the American elephants ate many Floridian donkeys as well as many spider monkeys. Unlike other elephants, American elephants have red, white, and blue skin. And their ears look like George Washington's face.
The American elephants population is estimated at several million most living in the South and in Washington's Mexico. Those living in Alabama are easily distinguished from other American elephants as their tusks are looser. It is believed that once they have eaten all the available donkeys they will migrate into Canada. If and when this happens, their skin will lose the blue colour, and will be coated in a layer of maple syrup. Also, their ears will resemble Wayne Gretzky's face, and they'll take up playing hockey.
American elephants are the only animal visible from orbit.
Even though Africa itself probably does not exist, African elephants still live there. They have often been described as the speedy land hippopotamus because of its large size, speed, and killing ability. African elephants can weigh from 50,000 to 500,000 pounds and run at a staggering speed of 55 miles per hour (Or 12% the speed of light!).
The African elephant is hard to examine because it burrows underground during the day, only coming out for 4 hours in the night to feed, mostly on the blood of virgins and unbaptised babies. People have tried to study the beast but many have never returned to tell their findings. These brave Elephantologists are thought to be dead and possibly harvested for their sweet nectar blood - an African Elephant favorite.
African Elephant population has more than tripled in the last six months (January 06 - June 06).
Asian elephants are much calmer than their African relative. They spend their days eating trees, working in Walmart factories, and just lying about in the thick Asian grass.
Asian elephants are often found on the subway and are distinguished by their foul smell and unorthodox antics. When Asian elephants sit in a seat, elephants in adjacent seats move elsewhere.
The Asian elephants are many in numbers with nearly 9 billion roaming the land today. In fact there are so many of the Asian creatures that organizations have begun killing off the small and weak elephants in favor of having strong worker elephants which are also better tasting to use in Chinese food.
Asian elephants are known to be bullied by their much stronger and fiercer cousin: the American elephant.
Antarctic elephants are a little known species that resembled the now-extinct "wooly mammoth," although there is no proof "wooly mammoths" even existed, because no humans saw them. They "chill" with the penguins and generally make pretty big asses of themselves when showing up at penguin parties.
The only animal capable of killing an African or Asian elephant by itself is the American elephant. However, there hasn't been a recorded incidence of this occurring since the last American elephant was brought over to America by the pilgrims.
It is a popular belief that packs of lions will occasionally bring down an elephant. Recent scientific evidence has proven that this is a myth as the claws and teeth of a lion, while capable of injecting deadly poison, are not long enough to penetrate the 5 inch think skin of the elephant.
Only the North American Grizzly bear hunting in packs is capable of killing an adult elephant. The cunning bears will stand one on top of the other up to three bears high, in a maneuver it is theorized they learned from escaped circus bears, allowing the top bear to mount the bewildered elephant. Once mounted, the bear is free to use its powerful jaws to pierce the one weak spot of the elephant, its tender neck joint, or simply ride the elephant to exhaustion.
Threat of overpopulation
There was once a time when the great elephant faced extinction due to overhunting. But thanks to extreme conservationist efforts from groups like the "Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation" and because of Babar the elephant population has tripled over the past several months. There is now an estimated 100 billion elephants roaming freely in North Dakota, Illinois, Idaho's Portugal, Africa and Asia.
This was shown in the show on Thursday, October 19th, 2006, that Stephen Colbert (like always) was right, and the African elephants are becoming overcrowded.
Elephant populations have recently surged in South America due to the abundance of carola, an edible seaweed that elephants thrive on.
As of now there shall be no more elephanting around the issue. There has become far too many Asians in order for the elephants to exist. The United States government has started executing Asians of all ethnicities at an alarming rate in order for the population of elephants to rise.
Due to the massive explosion in the elephant population world wide, the cause of controling their numbers has been taken up by the great humanitarian, Stephen Colbert. Hunting elephants with large caliber rifles or explosives is a kind and profitable way to ensure their continued survival.
Elephants are also overwhelmingly traditionalist and pro-life. Often known to stampede villages where the Bono-stapo and other hollywood philanthropist liberals have been spotted.
An elephant will only attack a human if it feels threatened, is kept in captivity, has its territory invaded, needs a snack, or if a human comes into its general line of sight. There have also been heroic stories of elephants protecting humans by trampling vicious wild african bears.
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