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Edmonton Oilers

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HockeyIconWhite
Stastny Yan
Edmonton Oilers
is Hockey-related
making it un-American
CanadianFlag
MugDarkBeer
Edmonton Oilers
is too Canadian, speak American, eh.


The Edmonton Oilers are a solid-water hockey team playing in the National Hockey League (NHL), and are currently based out of a small, obscure section of frozen tundra in Western Canada.

No one knows exactly where Edmonton is, due to the fact that it is currently buried under 15 feet of snow. As a result, the Oilers are forced to play every single one of their games on the road.

OriginsEdit

The team was originally founded by descendants of Soviet dictator, Joseph Stalin, who came to the Western world in search of the spices that had been, allegedly, stolen from the East. Historians still wonder, to this day, why they didn't try looking for them in the most obvious place first.

In early 1979, however, their error would prove costly, as a band of American freedom-fighters--who came to Canada in search of beer to be drunk at a mass draft-dodger burning--found the men and put a halt to their plan. The men were forced to surrender ownership of the team. However, because of the fact that the team did not have any players, nor an arena to play in, they were immediately sold to a local liquor store, in exchange for 3 kegs of Molson Canadian.

That night, the team became known as the "Edmonton Beer Barons" and, later that week, were accepted into the NHL as an expansion franchise set to begin play during the 1979-80 season. Players were eventually picked up--mostly hitchhikers found on the way to the nearest arena.

In 1997, the Beer Barons became known as the "Oilers", after purchasing the name from the National Football League's Houston Oilers at a garage sale held before Houston was scheduled to move to Tennessee.

ControversyEdit

Oilers on colbert

The photo of Stephen Jr. after being (one can assume) kidnapped and forced to wear the Oilers' home jersey against his will, as seen on The Colbert Report.

The Edmonton Oilers are no strangers to controversy. During the 1980s--under the leadership of a James Bond-like rookie (Wayne Gretzky), and a bald man, simply referred to as "Moose"--the team, on numerous occasions, tried to steal the Stingley Cup from the year's actual winner, and then convince people that the cup was theirs. However, on every occasion, the cup was returned to its rightful owner (any of the Detroit Red Wings/Chicago Blackhawks/Pittsburgh Penguins/New York Islanders from 1980-1983, and the New York Rangers from 1984-1989.)

Laraque Carter

Georges Laraque and Anson Carter.

The Oilers came under fire again during the 2000-01 season, having been accused by hockey rivals and gay-rights activists, the Calgary Flames, of practicing slave labour, after 4 African-American men (Sean Brown, Anson Carter, Mike Grier and Georges Laraque) were found to be on the Oilers' roster. However, it was later revealed that these were actually just four of the white Oilers' black friends, who were called up from the Oilers' minor-league affiliate in Kingston, Jamaica.

Most recently, the Oilers have faced their biggest problem to date, after a picture of Stephen Jr., wearing an Oilers jersey, surfaced exclusively on a recent episode of The Colbert Report. Word has yet to be released on how the eagle came to wear the jersey; however, one can only speculate that he was kidnapped and forced against his will to put it on.

AccomplishmentsEdit

  • The Edmonton Oilers are the only Canadian NHL team to be referenced by Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report... twice!
  • After losing to the Carolina Hurricanes in the 2006 Stingley Cup Finals, they are the most recent Canadian team to (legitimately) almost win the Stingley Cup, thus making them the best Canadian team in the NHL.
  • At least the Oilers aren't bear lovers, like the Boston Bruins; who, by the way, the Oilers always beat. Then again, everyone beats the Bruins, so that's not really something to brag about.

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