Easter is the holiday that celebrates the day Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, rose from the dead. It is the most holy of all Christian holidays (closely followed by Christmas, Stephen Colbert's Birthday, and Ronald Reagan's Birthday).
Recently, however Easter has come Under Attack from the Jesus-hating secular progressives crowd. Now is the time for all good heroes to come to the aid of America and The Baby Jesus. Join Our Glorious Stephen in the fight to defend Easter! But first, let's sort out which Americans are celebrating Easter the right way and which "Americans" are celebrating "Easter" the wrong way.
How Americans Celebrate Easter Correctly
- Going to church and praising The Lord for sacrificing His one and only son, The Lord (wait, that can't be right).
- Making duct-tape bunny ears for your baseball cap and attending the local high school "Easter" parade. (see top right)
- Re-enacting Jesus' miracles during Spring Break (see right)
Which "Americans" Celebrate "Easter" Incorrectly
- Asians - haven't got a clue what Easter is supposed to be about. I think they celebrate Easter like everything else - by dancing in the streets carrying long paper dragons or something. Like I said, not a clue.
- Jews - Still waiting for the Messiah (nobody's ever going to be good enough for them).
- Democrats - Skip church and spend the time humping like bunnies and then late-term-abort the babies right around Christmas.
- Retailers - Instead of selling chocolate "Easter" bunnies, "Easter" baskets with colored eggs and marshmallow peeps, you should embrace the true meaning of Easter and sell chocolate representations of Jesus on the cross, empty baskets representing the empty tomb of Jesus, and little candy Apostles... "Oh look, I got Bartholomnugat" - "Well, I got Judas Iscaramel". How about chocolate coins wrapped in silver foil. Hersheys, it's time to bring out the Judas kisses. Really retailers, look at the possibilities.
"Easter" Fun Fracts
- "Easter" eggs are Satan's creation meant to distract good Americans from our Lord's sacrifice. Amen.
- (Except the easter eggs laid by the bunny which bore Our Lord and Savior from his 3-day slumber. Amen. For reals this time.)
- Nonetheless, the sanctity of "Easter" eggs must be protected against the non-celebrating Easter-hating "spring egg" Liberal contingent.
- "Easter" is the holiday that celebrates the opposite of Wester.
But for REAL Americans, the REAL Story of Easter has nothing to do with Bunnies and Eggs. Now, for the first time EVER...
The REAL Story of Easter
Everyone knows this from homeschool, but for the few who went to public school (losers!) and must use The Google to find out more because their parents don't love them enough to tell them the full, true story about Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Wikiality.com provides this page without commercial interruption and formatted to fit your screen...
His father abandoned him - his step-father was an out-of-work carpenter, his mother a simple housewife...from these humble beginnings arose a Superstar!
The Story of Jesus: Behind The Bunnies: Easter! the True Biblical Story
Jesus' Family Life Before Stardom
Young Jesus never really had a life before stardom. In fact, a star foretold of Baby Jesus' birth and shined a light down to Bethlehem so that people could find the place more easily. Jews were gouging tourists for an outrageous $10 per camel for parking. From the very first week, producers were in a bidding war over the rights to his biography. The winner was Cecil B. DeMhrrh - beating out Mel Brookstein who had produced the successful film "Young Frankincense".
The Christ's were poor, and since his dad wasn't around, Jesus had to work for Joseph, his mom's boyfriend who eventually became his step-father. Joseph's specialty was two-foot-long coffins (for some reason, there were a lot of first-born children dying around Jesus' time). When he became overstocked, 2-foot-long coffins went on sale and soon everyone was dying to get one (you know how Jews love a sale). Jesus became a carpenter which would pay off later in his career when it came time to nail Mary Magdelene. Young Jesus also spent a lot of time discussing Christianity with the Jews. They didn't seem to get it - but then there were lots of things they didn't get - like bookbinding.
Jesus decided to take some time off and travel. It is during this time that he got his act together.
By the time he was 30, Jesus had gained enough popularity, and was doing enough live performances, that he needed a full-time back-up band. Along came The Apostles. These were 12 of the hottest, freshest new bible-thumping gospel singers of Jesus' time. With Jesus as the front man, and with the Apostles as back-up, the new Jesus and the Apostles group took the world of Jerusalem by storm.
- Most of the writing for the group was done by Mathew, Mark, Luke and John.
- James and John were both drummers.
- The other James (liked to call himself "King James") wrote his own Bible.
- Peter was more into rock than gospel and liked to sing before the cock could crow three times.
- Judas played the whistle.
- Simon later teamed up with Garfunkel to form a harmonic duo. Later tried to go solo but sounded like crap.
- Philip is the Apostle nobody ever heard of. He tried to copy James and call himself "King Philip" but it didn't help.
- Thomas moved to England and started a muffin business.
Mary Magdelene, The Woman Who Broke Up The Apostles
Just as Jesus and the Apostles were at their peak, along came Mary. Mary Magdelene was of questionable background as all good groupies should be, and she was primarily interested in Jesus. Jesus wasn't interested at first but Mary was persistent, kissing him on the lips and washing his feet and stuff. The Apostles didn't appreciate the new side of Jesus this sinner Mary was opening up. When they complained, Jesus told them "Let he who is without sin, audition for The Stones". From then on, things went downhill and eventually Mary split up the group to form her own group, Peter, Paul and Mary. Jesus described their sound as "a cock crowing times three".
Jesus Meets John
Jesus' career got a big boost when he met up with one of the greatest gospel singers of all time - John the Southern Baptist. John was headlining at some of the top spots in Jerusalem and had a very prophetable career until he was assasinated by Mark David Chapman (a Jew). John had conviced Jesus to go solo, pointing out that Jesus was carrying the Apostles - and that's why there was only one set of footprints in the sand.
Jealous Judas and The Fateful Supper
Jesus decided to throw a dinner party for the Apostles so he could break the news to them and so people in the future could concoct cockamamie conspiracy theories derived from paintings by douchebags who weren't even there. Jesus decided it might be a good idea to hide the knives and anything breakable, just in case. During the dinner party, the gay Apostle Judas (the whistleblower for the band) made a pass at Jesus, kissing him on the cheek. When Jesus said he didn't swing the way Judas did, Judas decided to cash in on his fame and turned Jesus in for income tax evasion. The IRS came and got Jesus and gave Judas a finders fee (30 pieces of silver). Judas never had a #1 hit single, in fact the best he could do after that was to hang at #13.
Jesus' Solo Career
By that point, Mary had broken up the Apostles, so Jesus went solo. His first appearance was in the royal court of Herod. Herod tried to Jew Jesus down on the price, and they argued over how to split the gate. Jesus said "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and render unto God what is God's". Herod didn't have a clue what Jesus was talking about, so he decided to have a battle of the bands. Jesus was to go up against punk rocker Barabas. Barabas had salted the crowd with his own groupies and they cheered for him instead of Jesus, who was actually much better. Jesus' career went downhill from there, he was forced to do standup combined with slap-stick. In fact they literally made him stand up while they slapped him onto a stick. At his final performance as Jesus, he was strengthened by the sound of a voice he never knew - the voice of his REAL father. Later, when he wrote the screen play, Luke changed the story around and claimed that the voice was talking to him, saying "Luke, I am your father".
Jesus' 3 Days in Rehab
Jesus checked himself into Rehab because he just wasn't himself any more. He was very popular with everyone in rehab because he could turn water into wine. He decided he had to re-invent himself. He decided he needed to be a little flashier. He needed a new name, and some new flashy threads. After three days in rehab, Jesus emerged as The Risen Christ (the artist formerly known as Jesus - He even tried to come up with a fancy squiggle to represent his name, but it always came out looking like a fish). Of course, like other artists who have tried this, people still referred to him as Jesus, or Jesus Christ. The first thing Jesus did when he came out of rehab was to visit Mary Magdelene and rub her nose in it.
Jesus had one of the all-time great comebacks (and longest sustained). His songs and lyrics still top the charts and the New Testament is still the #1 best-selling biography. He's appeared in countless films, on posters, bumper stickers, shower door soap scum stains, frozen fish sticks, and more. He has been the subject of several documentaries and speculative reports. And there is talk of an even greater comeback. Way to go Jesus!!!
- What ever happened to Baby Jesus - Starring Bette Davis as Mary
- Return of the Judai - the Resurrection
- Jesus III - Judgement Day
- Jumpin' Jesus - Look who's talking in tongues now - with Whoopee Goldberg and Ted Danson (voice of Baby Jesus by Bruce Willis)
- The Greatest Story Ever Sold - Starring Pat Boone (no really).
- The Passion of the Christ - Look who's in rehab now? - Mel Gibson
- Meet the Floggers - an Amnesty International release