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Similar to Stephen Colbert's Sport Report, ESPN (a.k.a. The ESPN) is dedicated to
worshipping covering American sports. Like a pestilential virus, ESPN has spread to practically all media outlets. E.S.P.N. is an acronym for something, however it is doubtful that anyone actually knows what for. The ESPN has its own series of TV channels, radio, webtubes, and magazines. ESPN's signature show SportsCenter, is a blatant ripoff of the SportReport.
A Short History of ESPNEdit
Although it seems as if ESPN has been around since Abner Doubleday invented baseball, but in actuality, the network is celebrating its 30th anniversary in 2009. The ESPN Empire is headquartered in the same location it got started in, Bristol, Connecticut.
ESPN currently has 17 channels, although it is doubtful that anyone has seen more than 4 or 5 of these channels, because if you have seen a few of them, you have seen them all (literally).
Some of the more notable ESPN channels include:
- ESPN - This station was once used encapsule all sports no matter how minor (for example: Equestrian competitive dressage) now it is strictly used to broadcast SportsCenter, crappy Monday Night Football games, and Yankees and Red Sox baseball games.
- ESPN 2 - ESPN2 (that's right, no space) is like the fat/unpopular kid picked last in gym class, it stinks. Unlike ESPN where Great American sports are aired, "The Duece" televises "sports" such as competitive darts, dirt biking, and figure skating.
- ESPN Classic - Besides providing a look back at your teenage masturbation fantasies in 15-year old reruns of Kiana's Flex Appeal, ESPN Classic also re-airs
boringlong forgotten sporting events to help remind viewers the reason they were forgotten in the first place.
- ESPN Deportes - As the name implies, this channel (all in Mexican) is used for showing footage of illegal aliens being removed from the United States and deported back to their home countries. Also, lots of soccer.
ESPN.com is the 61st most visited page on the internets, putting it well behind both Wikiality.com and ColbertNation.com. Despite that, the ESPN website does have
an impressive amount of decent sports related articles that are available for a nominal fee available for people to read.
While Sports Illustrated may have a long tradition of sports-only coverage in its tiny sized magazine, ESPN the Magazine covers
both sports and sports-related entertainment topics.
ESPN the Magazine is a perfect magazine, and not just because of its excellent costumer service. Instead of filling the atlas sized pages with useless words, the content of ESPN the Magazine consists of 90% pictures, all of them in color!
Lots of shirtless guys, to show what they are like when not in uniform.
Sports Shown On The ESPN NetworksEdit
World Series Of Poker (only aired in 4 hour stretches)
National Spelling Bee
Hot Dog Eating Contest
LaCrosse (What the hell is that?)
Pro Beach Inline Hockey
Still these sports are not enough for the sports crazy consumers of ESPN, they had to invent whole new sporting events that exist only in peoples' minds. These sports are called "Fantasy Sports". The most popular of these mythical contests is Fantasy Football, which is a sport speculating on the outcome of a football game between imaginary beasts such as Dragons and Polar Bears.
Current ESPN PersonalitiesEdit
- Erin Andrews - Known for her frequent use as masturbation fodder, Andrews is currently the most sexually-attractive female in the world among men ages 15-24 years old. Regardless of qualified (or unqualified...her lips move, but it difficult to pay attention to what she is saying while at the same time staring at her breasts), Andrews remains an "uplifting" ESPN personality (despite not having a 5 minute nude video secretly shot through a hotel room peephole on the internet).
- Chris Berman - Berman has been the face of ESPN for many years now. Just as ESPN has expanded and grown in size, so has Chris Berman. Devotes most of his free time on the task of creating nicknames for every NFL player.
- Mel Kiper Jr. - ESPN's NFL draft expert certainly knows a lot for someone who hasn't ever been a football player or coach (at any level), or a scout (not even an administrator). So you better take heed when Mel Kiper Jr. lampoons your team's recent draft pick.
- Suzy Kolber - Used to be (before Erin Andrews) the hottest sportscaster on ESPN, still she remains the apple of many mens' eyes, more notably those of Joe Namath. Namath expressed his love for Kolber in a sideline interview: "I wanna kiss you. I couldn't care less about the team strugg-a-ling."
- Rick Reilly - Rick Reilly is an Irish writer (who would have thought they could write?) who used to work for Sports Illustrated. He was twice courageous enough to leave his ivory sports-writing tower to be on The Report, and got nailed in the process—twice!
- Stuart Scott - His SportsCenter broadcasts consist of 85% sound effects or pop-culture references from 5 years ago. Still, Scott remains popular due to his work ethic (he concentrates all his laziness into one eye) and willingness to act like a boob on National Television.
- Stephen A. Smith - Growing up on the streets of Compton, young Stephen A. never learned how to use his "indoor voice". Now legally deaf, he continues to shout at anyone he interviews for ESPN, regardless of the situation or appropriateness. He also does "colored" commentary for the NBA.
Dick VitaleDuke Vitale - Vitale is a college basketball analysist for ESPN, due to his advanced age, and limited mobility, he is unable to travel outside of a 12 mile radius near Durham, North Carolina. As a result he works broadcasts of Duke Blue Devil and North Carolina Tarheel games exclusively.
Former ESPN PersonalitiesEdit
- Greg Gumbel - Perhaps the "whitest" black man to ever exist, Gumbel left ESPN after he was "tricked" into hosting a series of television infomercials.
- Rush Limbaugh - Proving that the liberal media has expanded the reach of its black claws into places as far as the sports world, Limbaugh was let go for not being "controversal enough". Also, some at the network were irked by his willingness to overly praise the exploits of Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.
- Keith Olbermann - Once a sports fancier (once even winning an award for best sportscaster) all this changed after Olberman converted to socialism. As a result, sports and competition was no longer appreciated by the former broadcaster. In his new commie mindset, all games should end in a tie (for sake of equality).
- Dan Patrick - Once the Sports Center broadcast partner with Keith Olbermann, Patrick left ESPN when—like his close friend Olberman—his balls fell off; consequentiality he stopped being interested in sports.
- Joe Theismann - Theismann was a quality sportscaster for ESPN until he suffered a gruesome compound multiple leg fracture broadcasting a Monday Night Football game. This injury effectively ended his television career.
ESPN: Good Or Evil?Edit
Point: ESPN Is Great And Should Be CharishedEdit
ESPN is steadfast in its coverage of American sports, and its shunning of un-American sports, unless the video clip of the commie sport is shown in a belittling or demeaning fashion (usually in the form of "bloopers").
Ways In Which ESPN Adheres To American ValuesEdit
- Bare minimum Hockey coverage/highlights.
- Almost no Mooslims have significant camera time.
- Corporate logo consists of Red, White, and Blue
- Still calls "soccer" soccer.
Keeping Mormons In Their PlaceEdit
With all the recognition the Utah Utes and the BYU Cougars have received due to their College Footballing Prowess, it is important for someone to set them straight. Luckily NBA analyist Ric Bucher is here to do just that:
Counterpoint: ESPN Is The Devil And Should Be VanquishedEdit
Signs ESPN May Be A CultEdit
- There has been at least 22 children named "ESPN" (or "ESPeN") after the network.
- ESPN's parent company is Disney.
- Has complete control over broadcast rights to every sport except for
threetwo (Curling, Roman-Greco wrestling, and Ice Hockey).
- Any broadcaster regardless of sport, eventially works for ESPN.
- Refers to its employees as "Members of the ESPN family". Know of any other cults where members were known as part of a family?
- Often plays songs from the satanic rock band Green Day throughout various sports related video montages.
Eastern Seaboard Programming Network