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Drive-In Movie

Baby Jesus
Drive-In Movie
Makes The Baby Jesus™ Happy
And that Makes Stephen happy, too!


Drive-Ins exploded in the 50's. They were the place to cruise for Hot Chicks and show off your Hot Rod. Note the big wings, they are a sign of Manliness

An archaic form of uniquely American entertainment where people watched movies from their cars while drinking and having sex.



Primitive audio devices favored by Drive-In patrons, usually inoperative, causing one to drive from space to space seeking a functional unit. Even then they crackled, distorted, hissed, and had a maximum output of 0.005 Watts dms. See: Two Tin Cans and a String

Invented by Henry Ford in 1919 so people would have a place to go in his automobiles, have sex and breed more consumers. Drive-Ins were solely responsible for the Babyboom during the 40's and 50's, due to cheap gas and Americans love of sex in cars. Also having a place where steamed up windows would not attract the attention of the Gestapo.


The Liberals Start the ProcessEdit


Proper sexual positioning for the Drive-In. Impossible in a Prius, easy in a Big Truck. Note: Both participants can still see the screen and enjoy delicious, buttery popcorn.

Liberals hate anything that combines cars and fun or cars and sex, Drive-Ins combine all three. Liberals only copulate missionary style, which for them is not fun, but really lame. Missionary sex is impossible in a Toyota Prius unless you are shorter than Tom Cruise (who is NOT Gay) or Yoda (who would never even sit in a piece of shit poop like a Prius).

Drive-Ins cater to SUVs and Lifted Diesel 4x4 Pickup Trucks, which Libs hate more than animal experimentation and Guns. Big trucks block the screen from Liberal TransPods. If you are stupid enough take a Gay Prius to a Real American place like a Drive-In you will get your ass kicked and raped by drunken, horny Rednecks. Who hate anything electric except Guitars, power tools and Tasers.

Considering these factors Liberals lobbied Congress in 1989 to have Drive-Ins declared Wetlands (from all the teen spoogey left on the ground). Thereby eliminating vehicular access.

The Corporations Pitch InEdit


Drive-Ins typically showed Manly films with car chases and Boobs and such. Films like "Gone In 60 Seconds." The real one, not that remake garbage with the Homosexual Liberals Nicholas Cage and Angelina Jolie.

The Corporations (who own all the major studios) in the early 1990's made a concerted effort to limit Drive-Ins access to feature films. The same amount of real estate could hold 900 screens with 11 trillion cramped seats, be wholly owned by the Studios and force you to watch the crap they choose. As well as garner all the profits.

Drive Ins showed three movies for fifty cents and you could hide eight freinds in your trunk to avoid the cost of admission. You could also bring your own food, beer, comfy chairs, BBQ grill and have a huge fun party. Again liberals hate fun. Movies are to be quiet and polite and are a No Fun Zone.

You could also sit on the hill outside the fence and watch the movie for free.

The Corporations want to hold you prisoner and force you to buy two tickets, six cents worth of stale popcorn and flat soda for $163.75. Parking is $10.00 extra (More than the typical cost of admission for a double feature for two at the few remaining Drive-Ins).

People Who Like Drive-In Movies And WhyEdit

Now you're catching on! Moving forward, let's just agree that the only reason anyone tolerates the horrible image and sound quality of the Drive-In is to bring their own food, get drunk and screw.

  • Jews They are cheap, so are Drive-Ins
  • Asians Same
  • Celebrities Can hide in thier cars.
  • Fugitives Same.
  • Fat People They actually come for the Snack Bar. MMMMM Love those Churros!
  • Parents Cartoons, first movie is always "kid friendly" then kids fall asleep. Mom and Dad get busy.
  • Blacks They can deafen you at intermission with their 9,000,000 Watt stereo and steal your hubcaps while you are screwing.
  • Hippies They can smoke pot during the movie.
  • Elitists They can make fun of everyone else.

Since everyone obviously has a reason to go to the Drive-In, why the hell have we accepted their demise?


  • Drive Ins were havens for teen sex and promiscuity. Of Americans born between 1938 and 1966:
  1. 93.8% copped their first feel at a Drive In
  2. 83.22% lost their virginity at a Drive-In
  3. 69.69% got their first blow job at a Drive-In
  4. 99.99% of teen pregnancies were concieved at Drive-Ins
  • The few remaining Drive-Ins are located in Places like Las Vegas, East San Diego County and Texas. Where Big Trucks rule and Liberals fear to tread.
  • Many Drive-Ins were prosecuted in the 60's and 70's for using subliminal advertising to urge you to go to the snack bar. Which is ironic seeing that now, all humans have ADD (Advertising Defecit Disorder) and all advertising is then, by definition, subliminal.
  • Drive-Ins had playgrounds for the kiddies and Pedophiles. They were always up front, under the screen so theoretically you could watch your children. Which no one did. They were glad to have quiet time and were drinking and having sex while their children were getting broken bones falling off the monkey bars and being lured to pedophiles cars with promises of Goobers and Raisinets.
  • The playgrounds were all removed in 1976. It was Jimmy Carter's first offical act as President. Being a Liberal, he deemed, "They were unsafe for children and other living things."
  • Our Blessed Stephen was in fact concieved at a Drive-In during a James Bond triple feature of "From Russia With Love," "Thunderball" and "Goldfinger." The opening cartoon was "Yogi Bear." It then, comes at no small wonder, his respective hatred of: Communists, Sharks, fat Asians with Bowler hats and Bears. His precious zygote did however absorb transmitted DNA while his mother was biting the primitive audio device hanging from the open car window (see image above). Thus explaining his remarkably Sean Conneryesque good looks and appeal to uberhotties.

See AlsoEdit

"Drive-In Movie"
is a part of's dictionary, "Watch What You Say". For the full dictionary, click here.

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