Don Cherry
is too Canadian, speak American, eh.
Stastny Yan
Don Cherry
is Hockey-related
making it un-American
Don Cherry!

You've got brass ones!

Don Cherry
is Very Manly™.

The closest thing Canada has to a real American.

Don Cherry is a Canadian sports commentator for Canada's only television program "Hockey Night in Canada". His segment is called Coach's Corner which is broadcast during the first intermission of the featured game. He is a hero to all Canadians because, like Stephen, he always goes by his gut and never uses facts. He also resembles Sean Hannity in that he never lets his co-host, Ron MacLean, speak for more than 1 second per show. Due to his grape-like head, he is affectionately known as "Grapes".

Canadian or American? Edit

Given the size of Don Cherry's horn, many Canadians wonder if he really is a Canadian or if he is a virgin sent to us from Americans to help keep our country from going totally gay and communist. The truth is that he is Canadian, but was in fact a love child of prominent republican Dwight D. Eisenhower. Don Cherry would grow up resenting the liberal, bear friendly governments that run Canada and eventually chose to save the one thing the liberals hadn't destroyed yet, porn.

Saving Hockey Edit

Well, his years as a player and coach don't really matter so lets skip to the important stuff, his show. Coach's Corner is the medium in which Don Cherry can safely speak truthiness to the Canadian people without the liberal media censoring him (well, they tried once but the Canadian people fought back and the CBC removed the censor, proving that the liberal media can be beat).

Don Cherry is known for expressing many core American values on his show such as: distrust of Europeans, the French, and anyone sissy enough to play with a visor (which, as he pointed out, are mostly commie Europeans and dirty Frenchies anyway); believing the Russians are either doped up or quitters, should they not be on dope at the time; and supporting President Bush and the Iraq War. Don also has said that there are too many Europeans playing in the NHL and that it is ruining the game. Liberals have been denying Don's theory, because it came from his gut and not from the "facts", but a recent study proved that not only has there been a major increase in the number of Europeans drafted, but that a large number of them are not to standard and are ruining the game.

Yet killing furniture Edit

The Greatest Canadian Edit

In 2004, the CBC aired a show called The Greatest Canadian in which famous Canadians, living or dead, were pitted against each other in Mortal Kombat to see who was the greatest of all. Don Cherry won when Tommy Douglas was disqualified for inventing universal health care and healing himself between matches.

Career playing piano Edit

War On Colbert Edit

At a recent Oshawa Generals game on Stephen Colbert Day, Don Cherry committed the cardinal sin. He called out Stephen Colbert. He referred to Colbert in the most vile and disgusting manner other than calling him a bear. He called him a lefty. That characterization goes against everything that Stephen Colbert stands for. Even if he wasn't referring to Colbert's political views his comment would still imply that Colbert regularly uses the hand of the devil. This international incident can only be settled in one manner. Don Cherry must appear on the Colbert Report so Colbert can nail him in front of America.

External Sources Edit

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