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Delicious Candy Taster

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"WHERE ARE THE NACHOS? MY CAT REFUSES TO BATHE!"
I kill what I fear and I fear what I don't understand, and I don't understand this.
Be less random and more truthy--use your gut.


Delicious Candy Tasters have a very important, very tasty job. They are paid to sit in chairs and taste-test delicious candy made by candy corporations such as Hershey's, Mars, and Klondike. In addition to having an exorbitantly high salary, they have a delightful job only marred by the occasional danger of being stampeded by starving children or falling into Willy Wonka's magic chocolate river.

Also, though not known to the public, Bill O'Reilly was once a candy taste tester for any and all black licorice. He quit shortly after learning the skill of yelling uncontrollably to seemingly win arguments. Which he learned at the black licorice factory where it is common to scream after two hours of work.

The most infamous of all Delicious Candy Tasters was Greg Rasputin [1]. Greg’s clever, yet sometimes unrefined ways of testing, led to his firing on Dec. 30, 1916.

According to numerous sources, Greg got a little “wild” by drinking straight Anise oil from the Romanov Black Licorice Factory with several employees. Although the factory only lost a days worth of work, and half of their employees to madness, Greg was let go [2].

It was only after he was let go that the factory learned that Anise oil could be mixed with other herbs to create Absinthe [3]; aptly named for the “absence” of the concoction’s emancipator - Greg. The drink is used today to sooth restless Delicious Candy Tasters' spirits in times of woe.

Ed Helms aspires to become a Delicious Candy Taster someday...

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