Death Metal

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The craziest and most American form of music. The only music where the vocals come straight from the gut. The Music that ripped down the Berlin wall and scared communism out of the USSR and Commie Friendly China. It did this by guitars hitting high distortion and frontmen talking about blood, gore and truth, which started to bring moshing to these countries. Moshing is a very powerful, ancient ritual where young humans run around in a circle in order to rid themselves of communist impulses. Sometimes, the forces at work are so powerful that a wall of death if formed, in which all those who are secretly commie (for fear of the Jews) run at those who are true American. In every case except one, this has proved to be a successful method of dimishing the number of commies.

Origins Edit

Death band

The emblem of the first lords of death metal.

Death metal began when Chuck Schuldiner was sent by God to fulfill the prophecy for the destruction of communism. When he and his disciples picked up their instruments, the devastation of the filthy communists had begun.

Soon after, more bands began to play brutally good music. They, in honor of their predecessor, named the genre "Death Metal".

The Popularising Of Death Metal Edit

Soon after it's incarnation, many bands began to form to play this style. A very popular band is "Cannibal Corpse" which talks about what they'll do to terrorists if they ever catch them, and features very horrific (but real) pictures of the Democrat party on their album covers.

Showdown: Hippie Jam FestEdit

At a jam fest, there was a showdown between Eric Cartman (Stephen Colbert's bastard son) and the filthy, godless degenerate crowd of hippies. He created a drill to burrow into the crowd of hippies (although a mosh pit would have done the trick) and made his way to the front. When he got to the stage, it was apparent that the pointdexters he had taken with him couldn't help. He went with his gut, plugged in the right wire, and over the speakers came Slayer. The hippies retreated back to their caves in the woods to continue polluting peoples minds, hating America, an engaging in gay love with bears.

Stephen Colbert...Master of the Grind Edit

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Look at that sweet guitar! Stephen can really grind.

Thats right Ladies and Gentlemen. Stephen is a beast with a guitar. He proved so by laying a beat down on the Decemberists. He can even play all five necks at on time, creating a deadly wall of commie crushing guitar mayhem with his ax of destruction. Also, he has been asked by various metal groups like Megadeth, Cannibal Corpse, Napalm Death, Cradle of Filth, Opeth and even Iron Maiden to join their bands. He of course denied these tempting offers for his first job, protecting America 24/7.

Other Famous Grinders (That aren't evil)Edit

Sure, alot of musicians are evil (Slayer, Dark Throne, Dissection, Hillary Duff, Britney Spears) but some of them are not. Here's a list of musicians that aren't evil, and are going to go to heaven. (Along with Stephen)

Alexi LaihoEdit

Alexi Laiho is the frontman for the death metal band "Children of Bodom". The name is a reference to a lake in Scandinavia where some Democratic Communistic Hippie teenagers were rightfully killed. Although Alexi is only Finnish and not Sweedish, he's going to heaven because of all he's done to get rid of hippies.

Dave MustaineEdit

Although not exactly death metal, Dave Mustaine, the lead member of Megadeth, is a Christian. He's going to go to heaven.

Nicko McbrainEdit

Again, not truly death metal, but close enough. He's the drummer for Iron Maiden, and he's a Christian. He's Going to heaven too.

James HedfieldEdit

Alright, fine. Only a few death metal musicians are going to heaven. But you kow what? They like it that way. So go and kill some hippies, you commie bastards!

The PopeEdit

Metal Pope

He's a maniac on stage. They have to buy him a new guitar after each show. Seriously.

Everyone knows this guy. He's Gods 2nd go to guy.(right after Stephen Colbert) He's the leader of the catholic church (the ONLY church!!!) and is going to heaven.

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