Teh Early YearsEdit
Dan Quayle was born into a simple, salty flock of Potato Farmers, Spelling Bee Third Runner-Ups and Tabloid Newspaper Publishing Magnates. Quayle's early life was heavily documented by curious spectators who would come from miles around to witness the decisive glimmer in his eye, the stride in his swagger and the booming sound of his smooth voice. While in Grammar School, Quayle earned a popular reputation by besting competitors, by keeping his hands washed and fingernails neatly trimmed, and by winning every academic competition and afterward, delivering a self-deprecating award acceptance speech. Danforth was a popular, well-respected uniter of the Student Body, a veritable Stalwart of wholesome Mid and South Western American Values.
Collage Years Edit
As a young man, Danforth Quayle made his way across the country by traveling and working alongside migrant workers. He picked various fruits and vegetables by day, and by night entertained his traveling companions with his home spun tales of profitable newspaper mergers.
By the time he arrived at Depauw University in Indiana, he had made enough money picking beans to pay his own way through college. This was only one of many examples of Quayle's fiercely independent personality.
While at Depauw University, Quayle received a two year degree in Political Science in as little as four years. After his degree's completion at Depauw, Quayle joined The Indiana National Guard and there served his country from 1969-1975. While in The National Guard, Quayle's duties mostly consisted of protecting Indiana from the terrible communist threat posed by the Viet-Cong, as well as protecting consumers from price gouging by the local soda jerk. He fought them here, so we didn't have to fight them there. During the time in which he protected Indiana from a Communist Homeland Invasion and Assured Indians that a Baker's Dozen was not a Dirty Dozen, he found enough spare moments to complete his Doctorate in Law.
Congress Sperience Edit
In 1976, a time when Communism was stumbling, and had no domination whatsoever over Eastern Europe, Quayle was elected to Indiana's Fourth Congressional District. During his first term, he lifted segregation laws that in turn allowed a certain other Bird from Indiana to live without fear of racist reprisal on Sesame Street. In 1978, bolstered by his team's succession of wins in Congressional League Basketball, Quayle handily won re-election.
In 1986, during another bid for a historical legacy, Quayle became the youngest ever Senator from Indiana, winning by a landslide. His campaign's slogan "They're out to get me, they won't catch me, I'm f...in' innocent" was said to be authored by Quayle himself, who could play the podium, just like he was ringin' a bell.
Term as Vice PresidentEdit
During a historic Republican National/Bel, Biv, Davoe Fan Convention in New Orleans, George H.W. Bush nominated Quayle for his running mate in the National Presidential Election. The campaign was meticulously tailored to appeal to the audiences of the early 1990's. Bright colors were a staple of The Bush/Quayle campaign and commercials featured Quayle appealing to the younger audiences wearing Skids brand MC Hammer pants, and backward painter style caps. In other less urban television markets, Quayle would wear only Jams style shorts and Hypercolor T-Shirts with knee-high Chuck Taylor sneakers so as not to offend delicate, regional, youthful sensibilities.
As the Presidential and Vice Presidential debates grew nearer, Dan Quayle, always the tactician, began to notice a downward trend in his approval numbers. He noticed that Adult Males, age 18-34, had started to field unfavorable opinions regarding his intelligence. This widely souight after demographic had started to lean toward Quayle's Democratic rival Lloyd Benson on the assumed basis that Benson was more folksy, down to earth, and less intelligible than Quayle was. This realization in the Bush/Quayle polls gave way to perhaps Quayle's first and best known bit of nationwide public recognition. Quayle's plan went off seemlessly when, during The Vice Presidential Debate, Benson fell for the now infamous "Jack Kennedy Comparison". Quayle likened his experience level — but nioot his balls — to that of John F. Kennedy. In response, Benson showed America his allegiance to The Dork Side by admitting that he had actually dared to "serve" with John Kennedy. Quayle, in a brilliant and bold move replied with, "That was uncalled for, Senator". Thus was won the debate and the election. Quayle was finally called on to serve his nation as a delegate to State Funerals and Kindergarten Classrooms all over This Great Nation.
Dan Quayle is currently weighing his options as to whether or not he'll run for President in '08. Recently, at a Mensa Awards meeting, he succeeded in the joke delivery department where so many have failed by attempting to announce his candidacy, but as with happens to those who don't do well in high school, don't apply themselves, don't study, he got stuck trying to announce things as the music was facing him down like an audience during a Michael Richards comedy routine.
- Dick Cheney, Current Vice President to the Greatest President, has an uneasy alliance with Dan Quayle and has been know to play "shotgun tag" with him from time to time. One game in particular ended after Cheney shot his friend "Not Quayle" in the face.
- A Quayle in the hand is worth two in The Greatest President.
- Dan Quayle invented The Internets, it was not as some would stipulate, that Fatty Al Gore.
- Dan Quayle loves "Gangsta Rap"; he's quoted as saying that it has enriched his personal life and calls it the only acceptable representative of The Black Experience In America.
- Dan Quayle was a recipient of the IG Nobel Prize for his many theoretical contributions to Scientific Education in America.
- Dan Quayle was instrumental in the cancellation of the television show Murphy Brown, which was said to promote lifestyle choices that allowed brilliant, successful women to leave loving, non-abusive relationships in favor of the possible adventures involved with roadside prostitution.
- Quayle complimented Ozzy Osbourne's parenting and marital style despite Osbourne's past of drug abuse, attempted murder, and being generally annoying. The sentiment proves what a great Christian Quayle is.
- Quayle's powerful, wholesome speaking and conceptual thinking abilities nearly led to George H.W. Bush's impeachment due to popular public outcry, to avoid going to war.
- Quayle is descended from many spelling geniuses, and would not want to flaunt this fact, he commonly avoids correcting poor spelling by lesser spellers. Quayle is such a great speller. He's quoted as saying that he doesn't know what it is, but he's always been a great speller.
- Quayle blames the 1992 Los Angeles Riots on Prime Time TV, but who wouldn't, am I right people, are ya with me on this?
- Had a fist fight with Michael Dukakis. He won, but how impressive is that, really?
- "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
- "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
- "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
- "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
- "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."