Cyprus is the Conservative Anti-American country, regardless of their support of American Independence in the 18th Century. It thinks of America as decadent and godless just because it's not involved in a bloodbath every other year.
It is basically a heap of dirt, fake Gucci bags and bad architecture that was pushed up from the sea floor by the collision of the African and Eurasian tectonic plates (around some many years ago). It seems that already from that time, neither Africa, Europe or Asia wanted to have anything to do with it.
Prehistoric and mythological timesEdit
It is mentioned in Isiod's Theogony that Jupiter cut the testicles of his father Cronus and threw them in the sea. The cut testicles floated in the waters and started growing in size, until they became a badass island with a lot of attitude.
Another Greek historian, Herodotus, mentions that in prehistoric times the island was used by the early tribes as a place of exile: the monkey people would tie any deliquent members of the tribe on a midget hippo and dispatch it to Cyprus. Some of them seem to have made it, because it is around this time that we find evidence of early-human habitation of the island, such as banana-shaped stone artifacts and lice combs made of bone. This also explains why the people of Cyprus look either like monkeys or like hippos (or a mixture of both).
The first mention of Cyprus in written history is on a clay tablet found in a ziggurat in Mesopotamia. The tablet reads: "and [there] is an island nation to the West, whose people grow copper in their back yards, and like to copy the skills and knowledge of their neighbours, only then to pretend that they invented it themselves". This attitude seems to have affected the diplomatic and commercial relationships of early Cypriots with their neighbours, because after that Mesopotamian tablet there is no mention of Cyprus in any written archive for almost 1000 years, when we read in a scroll from the Third Dynasty of Egypt that
- [...] Our fleet returned after defeating Phoenician pirates in the sea. They report that on their way back, they stumbled upon a rock in the sea, on which orange trees grow. At first they wanted to drag the rock back to Canobus as a curiosity for the entertainment of the whores, but the wise Pharaoh objected. He ordered his chartographers to put the island on the map, and give it the name "Cubrus", which in the language of the Gods means "waste of time".
Those early Cypriot societies relied on opportunism and sheer luck in order to survive (pretty much like today). The island's population gathered around major religious sites that were significant pilgrimage destinations for people from the East and West alike. Cypriots earned their living by selling statues and souvenirs to visiting Egyptians, Phoenecians and Jews. They also made great priests and wannabe singers.
Historical times and late AntiquityEdit
It was around that time that the ancient Greeks discovered the island while they were leaving Troy. The island was ideal for post-war meditation and relaxation (they were at war for 10 years already, the wives and children could wait a couple of years more). There the first seed of Greek Culture and Civilisation was planted in the Cypriot population, mainly through the contribution of prostitutes. Then a son of a prostitute had a son with a fortune-teller, who had a daughter with another prostitute, who was raped by a pirate and had a son, who became some kind of first King of Cyprus (around 800 BC). This King began sending representatives to the neighbouring kingdoms bearing exquisite gifts like hand-made flip flops, organically grown grapefruits and fermented goat saliva, in order to become friends with the other kings and also promote the island as the ideal tourist destination. This highly refined diplomatic move allowed the Cypriots about a month of independence, because the Egyptian Pharao died after tasting the fermented goat saliva and his heirs dispatched a fleet to kill the Cypriots for revenge. However, a local warlord of a tribe in Palestine was so delighted by those gifts, that decided to conquer Cyprus in order to secure a steady supply of those delicacies. Thus there was a war between the Egyptians and the said tribe
The truthiness about CyprusEdit
- The people of Cyprus are not called Cyprians but Cypriots.
- We don't carry around AK47's even though geographically we are in the Middle East.
- Cyprus is not the lost Atlantis.
- We are a bear-free country (yes we are a country).
- Our flag is considered to be one of the funniest flags in the world.
- Our current president Tassos Papadopoulos looks like a shrunk old Charles Bronson and speaks like Vito Corleone.
- We drive small mainly Japanese cars with the 1300cc engines (gosh they are slow).
- Unfortunately we do not get THE COLBERT REPORT on tv.
- Cyprus is the second smallest European country and our equivalent to Mexican illegal immigrants are the Syrian illegal immigrants.
- Ayia Napa is our equivalent to Ibiza or Cancun.
- We do not have a Disneyland.
- We do not have cable internet (only DSL and Dial-Up sad), making it hard to play Counter Strike.
- We import all our weed, thus you pay $30 for a nickel bag.