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Cylons

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Cylon-centurion

Blueprint for Centurion killing machine showing its bear-like skeletal features

Lee-adama-starbuck

Tek Jansen allows pretty humans like Lee Adama (before he got fat) and Starbuck to take credit for Tek's victories.

Human-form-cylon-females

Tek Jansen has "done" both of these Cylons. They were forced to regenerate after the experience.

Apollo-shirtless

Tek Jansen doesn't care what Apollo looks like shirtless. Really. He doesn't.

Evil machines created by humansEdit

The Cylons were created by man. They rebelled. They "evolved". There are many copies. And they have a plan.

They were first created as mechanical slaves who did the bidding of humans. But the Cylons turned against their masters and eventually figured out how to create nearly perfect copies of humans. Example: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The original Cylons were called Priams and were created in the town of Redmund, Caprica as factory workers designed to build godless hybrid cars. Foolishly, however, the humans of Caprica created the the Priams using bear skeletal features.

Because of that heritage, the Cylons quickly became rampaging, Godless killing machines, almost as bad as the bears they were modeled on.

Historical films shown on American TVEdit

Generally accurate historical films about the Cylon rebellion and the resulting wars are shown on the American basic cable channel Sci Fi, aka The Real History Channel.

These documentary films were created by the humans who fought the Cylons and present a generally accurate depiction of life on the rag-tag collection of human starships and on planets like New Caprica. But because the films also served as propaganda for humans in their long war, they tend to overemphasize the heroism of humans like Adm. Adama, Laura Roslin, and Starbuck.

Tekjansen1

Tek is the only creature who can defeat Cylons

Tek Jansen is the real heroEdit

The real hero of virtually all of the incidents depicted in the documentary films was, of course, Tek Jansen. Tek can pretend to be humble when it suits his purposes. In this case, he has allowed Adama and his crew to take credit for Tek's many victories against the Cylons because he knows that his real contributions will be revealed in a forthcoming episode of Stephen Colbert presents Stephen Colbert's Tek Jansen in The New Tek Jansen Adventure.

Cylon "evolution"Edit

The humans who made the documentaries shown on Sci Fi claim that the Cylons "evolved". Don't be confused by this word. It has nothing to do with the theory that was long ago disproven here on Earth by the truthiness of Creation Science.

The humans who created these documentaries were trapped in space and hadn't yet accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and savior. Perhaps, they were confused. More likely, however, they are using the word to cover up their own responsibility.

Their fellow humans who created the original Priam Cylon machines saddled them with buggy code and stupidly modeled the machines on bears. The machines blindly followed the satanic instructions embedded into them by their human makers. This isn't evolution. It is predestination.

All of this will be clarified in forthcoming episodes of Stephen Colbert presents Stephen Colbert's Tek Jansen in The New Tek Jansen Adventure.

Cylons have already invaded EarthEdit

Schwarz-cylon

An early beta of the Schwarzenegger/Cylon cyborg.

Although this wasn't known to the documentarians who created the historical films shown on Sci Fi, Cylons have already infiltrated Earth, notably through the creature Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Because the Cylons were at war with Tek Jansen and his helpers, their human-form creation software was buggy when the Schwarzenegger model was created. The damaged speech algorithms were unable recreate standard American speech patterns, so they created a fake country called "Austria" and pretended that Arnold has an accent from there.

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