Corporate Personhood
helps Americans better understand
The Free Market
America thanks you, Corporate Personhood
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Corporations are people, my friend...
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~ Mitt Romney
August 11, 2011

Corporate Personhood (Civil Rights)

  1. Corporations are legal entities that still dont have the right to vote, but they do have the right to unlimited speech.
  2. Entities that have more rights than people, making them the superior race if they were a race.

What Makes a Corporation a Person?Edit

Corporations are like people, they are born as small businesses; they are small, innocent, and vulnerable against taxes and competition so they have to kill before they get killed. If a business is a failure it dies in the arena of the free market, the funeral is known as a bankruptcy, its assets and possessions are liquidated and redistributed to form new seed money to create new small businesses. You know, the cycle of life. If a small business is successful it grows up into a healthy company ready to face new competition. This is a very important period to any young company, it is reaching its teenage wild years in which it seeks to mate with other companies. This is called a merger, but to do so it must accumulate more power and money to make the merger a successful. But as you know Big Government is like an overprotecting parent and wont allow companies to merge unless they make a background check to make sure there is no secret hanky-spanky behind its back, but luckily with so much deregulation there is no need to worried about protection and companies can swap as much as they want with other companies.

Once a company has successfully merge with another company it becomes bigger, stronger, and more powerful thus reaching sentience. Sometimes this huge company develop a voracious appetite and starts to devour smaller businesses to assert its dominance and to mark its territory. It is presumed that the reason that this is done so a company can grow into a conglomerate to become a parent company. You see, it is just seeking to feed on smaller businesses so it can reproduce its own children known as subsidiaries to preserve its lineage. A corporation with many subsidiaries is known as a parent company, making it a proud parent and the breadwinner of the family. And to protect its children it must become bigger and stronger to stop its competition from launching hostile take overs. It is at that age that a Corporation seeks to retain its rights and privileges to protect its children, so it must buy protection like politicians, judges, and law enforcement agents. Remember, money is freedom of speech so buying people is just a corporation's way of exercising their freedoms and rights.

Now if a company becomes too big to fail, it seeks help from the government to help them preserve them from corporate extinction, otherwise many jubs will be lost if they dont have some of that tax exempt free money. Sometimes a large company needs incentives to become more efficient, the incentives come in the form of tax cuts and the more tax cuts a corporation receives the more just it creates. Now this is not Welfare, Corporations dont believe in welfare or socialism, they believe in the free market. Corporations just happens to have more privileges and entitlements to make sure they would create more jubs sometime in the near future. Otherwise they would move to China.

Once a bailout is secured a corporation is put on life support and must start to lose some of that death weight that is pulling them into bankruptcy; the only solution is by trimming the fat, it's called downsizing. And dont call a corporation fat because otherwise they would sue you and litigate your sorry ass for mental anguish.

As you can see corporations are people too, they are born, the grow up, they sexually reproduce, and they die live forever on tax payer bailout money. See, the only difference is that corporations are immortal and they will live forever. Making them gods of the free market.

Corporate Civil RightsEdit

Corporations are people too

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all businesses are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the paved streets of Wall Street the CEOs of Oil Companies and the Investment Bankers of Goldman Sachs will be able to sit down together at the table of Corporatehood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Taxachusetts, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and wealth.

I have a dream that my four little financiers will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the size of their wallets but by the content of their portfolio.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in San Francisco, with its vicious corporacism, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of communism and wealth distribution; one day right there in San Francisco, little robber barons and little millionaires will be able to join hands with little corporations and little industries as people.

I have a dream today.

And when this happens, when we allow the bell of the free market to ring, when we let it ring from every shopping mall and every Wal-Mart, from every stock exchange and every gambling hall, we will be able to spend up that day when all of God's children, bankers and financial investors, CEOs and shareholders, business owners and tycoons, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the capitalist spirit, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last from taxes!"

Money is Freedom of SpeechEdit

Who Supports Corporate PersonhoodEdit

Who Hates Corporate PersonhoodEdit

External TubesEdit

"Corporate Personhood"
is a part of's dictionary, "Watch What You Say". For the full dictionary, click here.

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