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If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.

If you work hard, you'll get ahead as a
Police Officer

A police officer wears a uniform and carries a gun. He can make you stop your car, or you can make him shoot your tires off, causing your car to run into a tree and catch fire, giving you third degree burns all over your whole body.

Police officers are our friends, unless you have something to hide.


Proud members of the Reno, Nevada Sheriff's Department

Why do we have police officers?Edit


Police officers keep black people suspicious people away from white Real American communities

America has police officers because we are constantly under attack. Liberals and bears want to damage Christmas and eat our honey, respectively. The rest of the world has police officers, because America has them and they like to copy us.

Where can I find a police officer?Edit

Police officers live in the police station and drive in cars. Police officers are everywhere America needs them to be. Sometimes police officers are inside your computer watching to make sure you don't do anything funny with your tubes.

What do police officers do?Edit


We might get shot, but it still beats crapper duty at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.

Police officers uphold the law. Police officers love The Baby Jesus so-o-o much, they sometimes put themselves into harm's way, just so we can go to the store and hear someone say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Hanukkah" or some other satanic phrase.

Because the police do so much to protect America and The Baby Jesus, there is lots and lots of hard work for them to do.

Sometimes a police officer will watch the cars drive around and give tickets to the ones who drive bad.

Some police officers watch the internets for liberals who clog up the tubes or talk bad about The Greatest President Ever.

There are many more jobs for police officers to do, except most of them are in Iraq or Afghanistain, cutting down on the number of tickets and unclogged internets tubes. Being in Iraq or Afghanistain has lowered the crime rate in America!

Other police investigative sub-divisions include:

  • Vice Squad
  • Homicide Division
  • Narcotics Division
  • Gang Unit
  • Auto Theft Division
  • Missing Persons Unit
  • Airport Bathroom Detail
  • Special Victims Unit
  • Gang Rape Unit (one of our most popular units)
  • Anti-Blah People Unit: Because they are not Real Americans.

Who can become a police officer?Edit

Daddies make really good police officers. The police have schools where they can teach daddies to become police officers. If a daddy is angry all the time, he can be a good police officer.

What kinds of equipment do police officers have?Edit


Officers also need specialized equipment for those long stake-outs. For instance, this officer is testing an extra-large motorcycle seat.

Police officers must be able to find bad guys where ever they hide, so police officers must have the very best equipment to catch them.

  • Authority
  • guns
  • bullets
  • pens
  • computers
  • cars
  • high-powered surveillance microphones
  • infra-red cameras
  • warrants (maybe not so much anymore)
  • DNA

Police officers also use special equipment on routine traffic stops, such as:

  • tasers
  • tear gas
  • night sticks
  • attack dogs
  • firehoses
  • Slim Jims ( incase you lock yourself into your own car)

What kind of training do police officers receive?Edit

Fancy kind..

Myths Associated With Police OfficersEdit

They're all alcoholicsEdit

They're all on power tripsEdit

They're all sadomasochistsEdit

They all lie to protect each otherEdit

They all do drugs thats why they are so good at catching bad guys with drugsEdit

They're not all bad Edit

Police Officer of the Year: The Brave Heroes of the StreetsEdit

  • Officer Johannes Mehserle has been awarded the "Bravest Cop of the Year" by killing a black man dangerous suspect who was resisting arrest. For his bravery he has been awarded a nice pair of golden bracelets and an all paid vacation time for the next two years. You deserve it, buddy. (The award will be pick up by his colleagues that won an honorary award, as Mr. Mehserle will be occupied that day.)
  • David Warren: for keeping the peace during times of duress and protecting the values of the free market over human value.
  • Officer Policedonut372: for his bravery on filming an active crime on his cellphone rather than help the victim so he can upload it on youtube. You are making a great service to The Internets.
  • Officer Willie "Zapper" Hooper bravely fought against a mentally handicapped teenager, and as we know the mentally handicap have the strength of 20 angry teenagers. Officer Hooper felt his life was threatened and for his bravery he will be rewarded with the medal of freedom.

See AlsoEdit

External TubesEdit

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