Congress/House/North Carolina Districts/4

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Congress/House/North Carolina Districts/4
hasn't been featured yet as a part of the Better Know A District
segment. Be patient, Stephen will get to you by around 2014.
Congress/House/North Carolina Districts/4
is an insidious part of the
Fancy-pantsification of America!
American dance festival

How they roll in NC's "Dancin' 4th"

Lesser Carolina's "Dancin' 4th" Congressional District is a rank cesspool of godless liberalism and a breeding ground for terrorists. Billing itself as the "Research Triangle," there are so many Universities in the puffed-up palookavilles that make up the district that the hybrid species of "tree-and-fact huggers" flock to it like emus flying upstream to mate.[1] The "Research Triangle" is well-known for its sneering, French-like animosity toward truthiness. Often described as "one of the most educated regions of the country," the "Triangle" is rife with the rampant drug abuse, gayness, and communism that one would expect from a bunch of book-learned hippie no-goodnicks.

Because the area offers little in the way of entertainment, local residents amuse themselves by attending school[2] and electing unabashedly homosexual public officials. Residents of the area are also strong supporters of science, mathematics, and bears[1]. The current Representative from NC's "Dancin' 4th" is David Price, a Democrat, of course.

Jesse Helms's Zoo Edit

There is an oft-recounted chestnut about Jesse Helms (praise Jesse!), the much-beloved Once and Future Senator from the Great State of North Carolina. Long before attaining prominence as God's right hand in the fight against pornography, Jesse Helms was fighting the good fight for truthiness, whiteness, and decency amongst his own people in North Carolina. Jesse was serving in the state legislature when it decided to build the North Carolina Zoological Gardens[3] Whilst debate raged about where to house the new N.C. Zoo, Saint Jesse quipped, "Why not just build a fence around Chapel Hill?" Get it? Because the godless sodomites, liberals, communists, and college students are like a bunch of wild animals!!! Oh, that Jesse! What a crack-up.

Stop sign

Every single stop sign in the 4th District. Highly educated ≠ Highly original.

The 4th District Today Edit

The "Dancin' 4th" continues to make the Baby Jesus sad. This is not a place for heroes. Its residents might well be in league with the terrorists. They have not supported The Greatest President - EVER in any of the past four election cycle where they've had the chance to prove their true Americanness. They love the "Devil music", refuse to hide their mixed racial heritage, dance around with giant hippie puppets, and are even so crazy in their crunchy communist leanings as to print their own currency. And we're not talking ColBucks here, either, people. In short, the whole region seems like it's headed straight to hell in a handbasket.

The 4th District's Hope for Salvation Edit

You may be asking yourself at this point how the "Research Triangle" area has so far escaped the burning fires of God's retributions, such as those periodically cast on similar cesspools of sin like New Orleans, New York City, and San Francisco. Well, the "Dancin' 4th" does get the occassional inland hurricane sweep, tornado touchdown, or "Ninth Circle, Zone 4" Hellish ice storm. For the most part, though, the Triangle has escaped God's wrath for two main reasons:

1. It's just not that interesting a place. Despite its population of queer communist intelligensia and computer geeks, the Triangle is not New Orleans, New York City, or San Francisco. It's Durham, Chapel Hill, and Carrboro, NC. The area doesn't offer many appealing evil places in which to potentially do evil deeds. The bars close at 2 AM (even the one called Hell). How's the Triangle supposed to draw God's wrathful attention away from the more happening cesspools with a handicap like that?

2. The area might have also avoided being Left Behind for another, more powerful reason. For all its godlessness, the "Dancin' 4th" has had the good sense to remain in North Carolina all these years. And even though it is "north" of the Better Carolina in which Our Glorious Stephen was born, North Carolina is still in "The South."[4] Thus, no matter how godless, liberal, gay-loving, or factinista the 4th's Triangulars might be, they are still "Southerners." Nixo-facto, they are more Christian, American, and It-getting than any Taxachusettsian, Californian, Oregonian, or Northerner can ever hope to be.

The South will always be God's Country, for just like Jesus, the South will Rise Again. And that makes the Baby Jesus happy, even though North Carolina's Fourth Congressional District itself makes the Baby Jesus want to puke.

Famous 4thersEdit

No one actually claims to be a native of the "Dancin' 4th," but many, many people spend some time "passing" through. Usually this has something to do with obtaining a degree at a fancy-pants university, pushing the liberal agenda expertise as a "professor" at one of the Research Triangle's many schools, or working for a fly-by-night dotcom. Amongst the famous current and former 4thers, we count the following semi-celebrities:

See esp. Alt Music Chapel Hill, Merge Records, Pox World Empire
  • James Taylor
  • Ben Folds

For Factonistas Only Edit

  • Rep. David Price describes his Dancin' 4th constituency.
  • Did you know that Chapel Hill invented streaming internets radio rebroadcasting?

Notes Edit

  1. Some people will tell you that emus can't fly. Those people are being too facty. If you are one of them, you can just pretend I said "owls" instead of "emus," okay? To take it a step further, why don't you pretend you're the owl, and I'm Stephen Colbert. I think you know what that means.
  2. The "Triangle" actually brags about having "the highest rate of Ph.D.'s per capita" in the country - as if that weren't a sure-fire sign of un-American gutlessness!
  3. This was done in an attempt to fight the disinformation campaigns waged by the evolutionists, who were emboldened by their success in the Scopes Monkey Trial. Or at least you can't prove otherwise.
  4. Okay, to be totally fair, this point is debatable. Thomas Schaller seems to think that if your population is primarily composed of transplanted Northerners, you might qualify for exemption from the "Southern" label. If that's true, then the "Dancin' 4th" and the larger "Research Triangle" region is not part of The South, even though it is geographically located in The South. "In," but not "of," -- like Christians, with the World.

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