Confession is when you admit, before God and Stephen Colbert, that you have had liberal tendencies. Once you have admitted your faults, God will consult Colbert and determine if you are forgiven. Confession is very good for the soul, and everybody who wants to go to heaven must confess their sins to the Baby Jesus regularly. Even the Jews have confessions, although they only do it on the holiday called "Yom Kippur." Stephen, in his mercy, set up the "1-888-OOPS-JEW" hotline to help Jews ask for forgiveness from him.
Another type of confession is when you tell the police that you broke the law. While confession is good for the soul, this type of confession can land you in jail, unless you're already there. For instance, terrorists imprisioned in Gitmo frequently confess their crimes of their own free will, without being tortured at all. This is just one way that America is winning the war on terrorism.
A public confession is when you go on TV and tell people you were wrong about something, or did something bad. Unfortunately, the liberal media will probably blow your confession way out of proportion. Since Republicans have the balls to stand up to the media, they will almost never confess anything, especially when everyone knows what happened anyway, and the media is clearly just looking to get the next headline.
Communists, on the other hand, don't have the balls that true Americans do. They are too afraid to face their misdeeds, and therefore almost never confess anything, even when everyone knows what they did.
These are people who have shamefully confessed their crimes to the nation.
- John Stewart (confessed to hurting Geraldo Rivera)
- John F. Kennedy (publicly confessed to being a Berliner)
- Jack Abramoff (confessed to tempting Republicans with bribes, at the behest of Democrats)
- Bill Clinton (confessed to not knowing the meaning of the word "is")
- Randy 'Duke' Cunningham (forced to confess by liberal media)
- St. Augustine
These are people who have bravely stood up to the liberal media, and not confessed. Please note that, since these people have not confessed, they are probably not guilty.