"Colbertwood" is an amusement park based on Stephen Colbert's America. It is scheduled to open as soon as the oil has been completely drained from the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge (no one likes refugees anyways).
The park will encomapss the entire North Slope of Alaska and feature many attractions to reinforce everything that is good about America and Stephen Colbert.
Sections Of The Park
"Colbertwood" will section off ANWR into 7 perfectly paved areas for pure family fun.
The Front Gate
Have you ever been to The Green Zone in Iraq? No? Well, here's your chance to see what a genuine American Military Base is like, just by coming to our front gate!
We have a parking lot that expands as much as we need it to, and once the ice thaws, hundreds perhaps millions of mosquitos to increase the realism of a desert hell-hole.
Make sure you have an entire day set aside for your visit to "Colbertwood", because you will be standing in line for at least 2 hours while we search every piece of luggage you brought with you, even if you left it in your car. And then we will take your car apart looking for any sign of terrorist activity. Remember, if you don't have anything to hide, you don't have anything to complain about.
The NSA Full Body Cavity Search
Some people say that name doesn't sound like much, but then those people have never been searched by the NSA. Bring your own baby oil or lubrication, because we don't provide any at the park. And get ready to experience what real freedom feels like.
Stephen Colbert's Boot Camp for Kids
Before you start enjoying your full day of Colbert-Adventure, bring your kids to Stephen Colbert's Boot Camp for Kids. In addition to the very best day care, we provide vigorous exercise to keep your kids healthy and ready for their Middle Eastern Adventure when they get older.
Speaking of which...
Middle Eastern Adventure
This part of the park has been transformed into the exotic Middle East, complete with belly dancers, an open-air bazzar and real-live IEDs!
Everything you need to continue your day after a visit to Middle Eastern Adventure, is available at the front gate, from kevlar vests to armor-plated Hummers.
And in that theme of exotic adventures, why not go see...
Guided Tour of the World with John Negroponte
Have you ever wondered what El Salvador is really like? Or how do they smuggle so much cocaine into the U.S.? Well, John Negroponte has narrated a short film on America's Spread of Democracy in South America". It's in full color, only 27 minutes and the kids will just love it.
Forget the rest of the world, Colbertwood is about America, so why not enjoy:
Americaland will feature the very first residents of America: the Christian Pilgrims!
Park workers will be dressed in traditional colonial outfits to give this "land" the look and feel of Colonial America. Actors will be hired to play Founding Fathers in a re-enactment of George Washington Freeing the Slaves, which is performed hourly in the "Pat Robertson 700 Club Theatre".
And keeping with the theme of America for Americans, come by...
It's Creationism with a hip 1950's feel! Rock to the beat of Pat Boone while your kids listen to lectures on:
- "My Mother Isn't A Monkey"
- "Why Do You Hate Our Troops, You Fucking Commie!"
Re-live the glory days of McCarthyism by playing the part of a member of the HUAC and question an animatronic Communist! And don't forget to have your picture taken with Ann Coulter, she works at the food court, but takes a 15-minute break twice during her shift.
The Food Court
No day at the park is complete without an entire 4 course meal. Our menu features only real American food, and cooked fresh on the premises, but you have to kill it first.
So, head out to "Ted Nugent's Texas Canned Hunt Shoot-'Em-Up" out back behind garbage dump and sewage drain.
Just take a look at our menu:
We here at "Colbertwood" have worked hard to bring the very best of America to one big former National park cum parking lot, and we hope you enjoy your stay with us.
God Bless America!