|Colbert Report City |
|Sports Team||The Fightin' Jazz!|
Colbert Report City is a city in the U.S. state of Utah and is the capital of the Colbert Nation. It was officially self-incorporated by Stephen Colbert on July 25th, 2007 episode of The Report. The exact location of Colbert Report City is a state secret, and known only to a select few it-getters.
* Note: the IP addresses of those who do not vote for Stephen Colbert will be recorded and forwarded to the appropriate authorities at the Secret Service.
Origin of the Church of Stephenological ColbertismEdit
Behind the Pope, Rev. Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A. was the most influential and powerful clergymen of the 21st Century. As Host of The Colbert Report, the Wørd of Colbert commanded an enormous congregation of zealous parisioners, henceforth known as the "It-getters". Through his bully pulpit, Colbert preached the Gospel of Truthiness: the idea that Truth is not what the facts are, they are what one feels the facts should be... deep down... in the gut. Based on these principles, in 2005, Colbert founded the One Truthy Church, Stephenological Colbertism, a religion based on Intolerance and Injustice, and he became known by the It-getters simply as "The Prophet".
Almost immediately, Colbert and his faith were besieged by the liberal media, who charged that Stephenological Colbertism was nothing more than a "Cult of Personality", and that it's followers were just a relection of a larger "Idiot Culture", which they alleged had taken root in society. They launched a widespread campaign to defame and besmirch the immaculate character of Reverend Colbert, notably accusing Him of engaging in a "free love" relationship with prominent suffragist of the era, Jane Fonda. What the media failed to grasp, or perhaps flat-out ignored, was the fact that under Stephenological Colbertism, polygamy is an acceptable, and even encouraged practice, and Colbert and Fonda had married in a secret ceremony months earlier. Therefore, the charge of free love was completely spurious, but amongst the non-it-getters at large, the damage was done. Colbert was condemned as a hypocrite by the liberal Jew establishment of the City of New York, and his character was thoroughly assassinated.
Embarking for the New WorldEdit
After hearing the success story of Hometown Hero Town Bryce Canyon City, Utah, The Prophet saw that his Manifest Destiny lay to the West. Rev. Colbert organized his staff and a small group of audience members into what would become known as the Colbert Party. In the year 2007, the Party embarked for a New World in a covered wagon train, fleeing the religious persecution under which they had suffered so cruelly. In the West they saw a vision of Paradise, a new Garden of Eden where the principles of Truthiness, Justice, and Freedom would reign supreme once more.
Over the great expanse of the land of America the party did travel, from the shining sea and across the amber waves of grain. However, when they reached the purple mountains majesty in Octobert, they found the pass blocked by snowfall. They established camp by a lake, which they called Lake Colbert, and hunkered down for the winter.
A Cold WinterEdit
The winter was harsh, and supplies quickly dwindled. After slaughtering and eating their oxen and horses, the Party was left with almost no food. The Prophet kept his congregation warm with the inferno of his rage, and while His gut was ever full of the fruit of His Truthiness, his followers were not so lucky.
In December, they began to boil ox hides and their shoe leather for the minimal sustenance it provided. Finally, one tragic day, Stage Manager Bobby died of dysentry. Stage-hand Killer, almost blind from hunger, ravenously cannibalized the body. The Prophet was horrified and repulsed by the inhumanity of Killer's actions. He ordered Killer to stop feeding on the staff and instead mandated that only audience members or interns were acceptable fare. They were generally more fatty and nutritious anyway.
Bellies now full, the Stephenological Colbertists made it through the winter. However, their ordeals were not over. One day, while gently exfoliating his face by Lake Colbert with the crushed bones of Meg the Intern, The Prophet was viciously attacked by a Grizzly Bear fresh out of hibernation. After an epic struggle, Colbert killed the bear with his bare hands. Breath heaving and blood drenched, Colbert looked up from his kill and gazed out across of Lake Colbert.
Suddenly, from the misty haze, God appeared, moving over the face of the waters. He approached Colbert, and granted him a holy vision of a shining city upon a hill. In his gut, Colbert felt the city was a place where the eyes of the entire world would be upon him, with himself at the center, and where the Light of Truthiness would radiate from him, transforming the Nation in his image. God left him with two platinum tablets, inscribed with new commandments in a mysterious language only Colbert could read with the help of his magical set of spectacles.
The Prophet returned to His congregation and said, "This is the place," and on July 26, 2007, Colbert Report City broke ground on that very spot.
The center of the city was designated Report Square, and there an enormous Studio was erected, dedicated to The Prophet. From its vast network of flying buttresses, one lone spire, capped with a gigantic dome, strains for the sky and from its tip, a great light sprays forth into the heavens. It is the tallest structure in the Western Hemisphere, and can be seen from space.
Inside the cavernous Studio, The Prophet sits in the center, and the brilliance of his being spreads through the television tubes, illuminating all dark corners shadowed by reason. There, his congregation gathers, Monday through Thursday, at 11 p.m. EST, 44 weeks of the year, and The Prophet preaches The Wørd to his followers.
The New CommandmentsEdit
- Everything is Colbert Report City is completely free. There is, however, a 100% sales tax that is to be paid directly to Church President Stephen Colbert.
- Men are allowed plural wives.
- Hemp is legal, for it is needed for making rope and sleeping bags.
- A man shall not lay with another man, for it is an abomination, unless it is Matthew McConaughey, for he is one sexy beast.
- While the citizens of Colbert Report City don't see race, no race mixing.