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The Simian Order is the Pride and Joy of The Colbert Nation Message Board

The Simian Order is an elite message board thinktank, representing truth, justice and comedy for the Colbert Nation.

Simian, Thinking

Simian Order Code of Conduct

The Simian Order Code of Conduct (SOCoC)is key to all Simian decisions, except when it isn't. The SOCoC includes rules such as:

  • Ape shall not kill other ape
  • Be respectfull to other posters, even if you do not agree with their point of view. Even Gay Hunchbacks deserve some respect.
  • Welcome new members to the Colbert Nation, help them out
  • Help the downtrodden Colboard members, especially those that are hammered by the Muj trolls and by other trolls
  • Tis better to have joked and failed than to have never joked at all.

We have found that the SOCoC is better used as a set of goals and suggestions rather than rules or mandates. We just cannot understand all the glyphs.

Simian Order Code of Conduct, Midieval version (circa 1255)

Simian Order History

Simians have been around the block, sometimes twice. So, if you are looking for an animalistic good time, look no further.

Simians were the first animals with opposing thumbs to actually throw poo. In the beginning, poo throwing was used as a playful joke. Then, as the centuries passed, poo throwing became the weapon of choice. Today, poo throwing is done at a tactical, strategic and enterprise levels. Examples include:

  • Tactical poo throwing is like a simple jab, "your ignorance is astounding" comment
  • Strategic poo throwing is like a simple questions, "Please tell me why you are sure that God is testing us"
  • Enterprise poo throwing is like the creation of an Alt who slings poo at all in his path

Simian Wit, Wisdom and Foolishness

  • The secret to a long life is to try not and shorten it (Nobody)


The Simian Order are famous for crushing the life out of the Forum Muj. Their members include:

Aristotle, President

  • A rocket scientist/Brain Surgeon who spends weekends doing charity work for underpriveledged message boards and "helping" sex starved supermodels. Aristotle is most famous for lines such as:
  • "what you should be thinking about is this: what is Aristotle going to make you do next"
  • "Why you are so embarrassed that you went and joined the army?"
  • "Evel Kneviel was the real life Wiley Coyote"
  • To Hats favorite band, "It sounded OK, until some bullfrog grabbed the mike, wouldn't let go, and started doing some bullfrog mating ritual".
  • Regarding Aegisknights trouble dating, "Seems like Aegis's 'Girlfriend Code of Conduct' is something of a barrier to getting a date, especially since he demands that they sign it"

Allen, President and Sargeant of Arms

  • ...

A rotten Bastard by anybodies' standards. Cold, shrewd and calculating. A nemisis to all things human, yet cats adore him.

Boldly fought against the Colbert "Wrist strong Movement" In favor of the underdog "Pinky Toe Strong Movement". Altough the movement never gained in popularity, awareness of the importance of the Pinky Toe to balance has been acknowledged by a small inner circle of two Waffle House waitresses and a homeless dude that agreed for two bucks.

Pythias, President and Special Operations Leader

  • Pythias is a well connected, lovable Simian who really tries to help any donwtrodden Colboard members. He has lead several assaults against those that beat down the trodden (aka BeatDownTrodden). He is currently on special assignment regarding profitability of message boards.

EvilWoman2, 4 Star General and Honorary Banana Peeler

  • Not just a token woman, the wit and wisdom is strong in this one. She survived an illegitimate banning to become part of the Simian Order.

Pierre, PFC

  • Canadian correspondant who sometimes has internet access (weather permitting) and reports on all of his favorite things using lists.

Simian Order Relationships

Simians and other Humans

Simians are friends with all humans that understand their place in society. Humans that cannot accept their placee in society typically become enemies of the Simian Order.

Simians and Bears

Simians hate bears. Simians hunt and eat bears.

Simians and the Muj

The Simian Order and Forum Mujahideen (Muj) are mortal enemies, due to vast differences in their founding principles and philosophies. Siminas are Superman, Muj are Lex Luther. Simians are Rock, Muj are Scissors. Simians are Han Solo, Muj are Darth Vader. Simians are HD DVD, Muj are old Beta Tapes. Simians are Wii, Muj are Atari. Simians are the internet, Muj are a cup and string. Simians are Tom Cruise, Muj are RuPaul. Simians are NFL football, Muj are synchronized swimming. Simians are a spider, Muj are a fly.

Muj Characteristics include:

  • The Muj are a fungal type of troll virus that infects many message boards across the internet, including the Colbert Nation.
  • Muj are against free speech and cannot understand freedom of thought.
  • Education angers the muj.
  • Success, such as having a good job, angers the muj.
  • Muj trolling is conducted against intelligence, freedom of thought and people that have jobs.
  • Muj are terrorists, most Muj are actually posting from Gitmo or other federal housing.
  • Muj are quite confused about their sexuality, which explains their infatuation with ass jokes and the TV/CD tendencies
  • Muj pwn babies and little kids
  • A successful Muj operation is one where somebody leaves the Colboard in disgust Successful Muj Operation

Simian Characteristics include:

  • Simians are not trolls
  • Simians have a high degree of wit and wisdom, thus use message boards as places to play games with words and ideas
  • A new idea pleases the Simian Order
  • Simians like long walks on the beach, typically with members of the fairer sex
  • Simians kiss babies and help little kids grow the fuck up
  • A successful Simian operation is one where some poster returns to a message board, and continues to post without being harrassed.

Successful Simian Operation

The Future of the Simian Order

The future of the Simian Order looks bright. In fact, we are considering an IPO on NASDAQ in late spring, 2008 (IPO: SIMEUN). Our product is well liked by the paying public, and to put it quite bluntly, the public just loves monkeys. Someday, all monkey advertisements and likenesses will be the property of the Simian Order.

The Simian Order is currently plotting a remake of another Planet of the Apes movie. Starring Arnold Schwartzenegger, Sly Stallone, Bruce Willis, Clint Eastwood, Halle Barry and Brianna. The plot will have several epic battles across prehistoric and futuristic time periods, using time period appropriate weapons, such as an ancient poo catapult.

Poo Catapult (With Safety Engaged)

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