Profiles in Ball is a fan-created homage to a segment of Dr. Colbert's award-winning news program The Colbert Report, Profiles in Balls.

To be precise, Profiles in Ball is not nearly half the segment Profiles in Balls is.


Cheerleaders from Ripon, California showed their team spirit by writing a message on their panties. This out-of-the-box thinking has earned these girls recognition from

Who said kids don't know how to distinguish themselves from their fellow peers?

Mike HuckabeeEdit

As a hunter, former Arkansas governor, Mike Huckabee is one ball better than Mitt Romney, but not quite the two balls of Dick Cheney.

It's one thing to shoot a pack of reporters you have no relationship with as Mr. Huckabee did while jaunting through Iowa before the caucus, it's a completely different thing to shoot a friend point blank in the face as Mr. Cheney did.

Which is why honorarily awards Mr. Huckabee only a ball.

When Dr. Colbert comes back, maybe he will give you the other ball, until then, you sir are this week's Profile in Ball.

The Nuremberg ZooEdit

This week, it was discovered that the Nuremberg Zoo allowed a mother polar bear to kill (and presumably eat) her offspring.

Zoo officials said they did so in an attempt to let nature take its course, unlike the Berlin Zoo that hand-reared Knut.

But, has awarded the Nuremberg Zoo with this Profile in Ball because the zoo's director, Dag Enke, said he wants to avoid Knutmania at his zoo.

In addition, Mr. Enke described the young mothers whose cubs were abandonded as young enough to:

"...have plenty of babies[1]." is considering revoking your ball. First you say fewer polar bear cubs is good (putting you up one ball), then you say the mothers will have more (revoking your ball).

But, you also are encouraging procreation, so, until Dr. Colbert reviews your case, one ball has tentatively been placed in your sack.


The Nuremberg Zoo has officially flip flopped on their position regarding the "captive wild" polar bears. Keepers at the zoo intervened on behalf of the cub born to Vera, but not the two born to--and believed to have been eaten by--Vilma.

Reacting to the public outcry, Nuremberg's mayor, Horst Förther, said: "I don't know whether we could face losing another polar bear."

"We wanted to avoid a repeat of the stupid Knut mania and not rear the animal by hand," said Helmut Mägdefrau, deputy director of Nuremberg zoo.[2]

The State of TexasEdit awards the entire state of Texas a ball for being The Greatest Polluter Ever!

Congratulations, Texas!

You make Los Angeles look like a gay, Mexican, Michael Jackson oxygen tank!

AnonymousEdit would like to recognize the internets personality "Anonymous" for his tireless work on behalf of The Baby Jesus by shutting down the webtube of a known dangerous cult.

Thank you Anonymous, whoever you are!

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