Beta Dog is an homage to Alpha Dog of the Week, a segment of Dr. Colbert's award winning news program, The Colbert Report. Beta Dog was created for heroes who are in withdrawals due to the writers being on strike.

In the mush line of life, the Beta Dog is the dog that gets the best view of the Alpha Dog's swinging sac.

Add a new Beta Dog

TV Watching BoyEdit

A boy shoots his brother so he can watch what he wants on TV.

Rats Take Over Island!Edit

Non-native rats take over island by killing off the only other inhabitant: native seabirds.

Department Charged With Managing Fish, Manage To Kill ThemEdit

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service and National Marine Fisheries Service repaired a levee that created a thriving new ecosystem of various species of fishes after the waters flooded Prospect Island.

Once the hole in the levee was fixed, pumps were installed leaving hundreds of thousands of newly transplanted fish without water.

How U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service and National Marine Fisheries Service became Beta Dog was due to their Katrina-like response:

  • they took forever
  • and ignored people who volunteered to help

The United States Supreme Court v. Welfare Queens!Edit

The U.S. Supreme Court decided not to get involved in a state matter, when it refused to hear the case involving a San Diego County law that allows the government to search the home of anyone receiving welfare.

By allowing the law to continue unchallenged, the justices have earned the best view of the Alpha Dog's magnificent hind quarters.

Naturally, this only applies to individuals and not corporations receiving government subsidies.

Demanding the right to review a place of business receiving government funds would be unAmerican.

Witchita Police Officer Who Tased A Deaf Man Edit

from the good folks at Fark

This Beta Dog collar is awarded to the unnamed police officer who was responding to what was determined later to be a false call to enter the home of a deaf man who did not comply with his verbal demands even after being tased.

Way to go, Witchita, who says the coasts are more violent than the flyover states?

The Greatest Attorney General Ever Recognized!Edit

The Greatest Attorney General Ever, Alberto Gonzales was awarded by the ABA as their Lawyer of the Year

In recognizing Mr. Gonzales, the ABA said:

"The most talked-about attorney this past year by a mile."

Supreme attorneying indeed!

Marine Commander & His Christmas PresentsEdit

Apparently, Marine General James T. Conway is giving dogs to the families of soldiers killed in Iraq!

Well, that's nice! So long as the family doesn't get the kid back, a dog is a reasonable facsimile!

Plus, everyone knows stop loss is for the dogs anyways!

Blue Iris Wins Color Of The Year For 2008!Edit

PANTONE, the color-nazis named "Blue Iris" color of the year for 2008.

According to, PANTONE 18-3943 Blue Iris won because it combines...

"...the stable and calming aspects of blue with the mystical and spiritual qualities of purple, Blue Iris satisfies the need for reassurance in a complex world, while adding a hint of mystery and excitement [1]...Look for it artfully combined with deeper plums, red-browns, yellow-greens, grapes and grays."

Time Magazine's Person of the YearEdit


Vladimir reveals his new look "Grey Plutonium"

Time magazine names Vladimir Putin "Person of the Year".

Unnamed Soccer Referee Who Knows How To Handle His HooligansEdit

A Malaysian soccer referee, who works as a police officer, retaliated against unruly players who disagreed with a suspension doled out by the ref. The players had just received a "red card" (some kind of gay soccer punishment) and "mobbed" the referee who ran to his car to retrieve his weapon.

After returning to the pitch, the ref discharged his firearm into the air to settle the mob.

An investigation will determine if the officer broke any laws and if any of the players will be charged with rioting.

Artist Jordan McKenzieEdit

Whose exhibit Spent has just enough balls to get a view of the Alpha Dog's sac!

Mr. McKenzie (we hope it's a dude) must surely have been inspired by Dr. Colbert's Stephen Colbert's Formula 401 Pour L'Artiste.

Currently featured in the "Centre 4 Recent Drawing", McKenzie's technique is described in exquisite detail:

"...these works are produced using human bodily fluids: the artist ejaculates on a sheet of drawing paper and covers it with a layer of carbon dust. When dry, the excess dust is removed, leaving a black imprint of the spurted semen."

And just to make sure you know he's really an artist, someone describes his work as

"Referencing the universal themes of procreation and creativity..."

McKenzie himself says his drawings are about...

"...sexual economy, obsession, desire and the crossing between the public/private."

And, that the exhibit is "ongoing."

Thank you fark for the heads up, so to speak.

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