Colbert Nation/Colbert Loyalists

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Colbert Nation/Colbert Loyalists
are Truthiness Crusaders!
ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.

Colbert Nation/Colbert Loyalists
is a Colbert Loyalist!

Treat him/her with full honorabilityness
Flag quote open clear2
Truthiness is what you want the facts to be, as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
Flag quote close clear2
October 17, 2005 The Colbert Report


This is a group of people and super people that spend their free time keeping America free, from bears. They have also focused on commies, gingers, and liberals, but with limited success. They are dedicated to eliminating threats to America and Dr. Stephen T. Colbert as well as spreading Truthiness on the The Internets. They are divided into three sections, the Colbert Loyalist Army, Colbert Loyalist Navy, and the Colbert Eliet. GINGERS WILL RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Loyalists Council of 14Edit

This is the main governing body of the Colbert Loyalists. They decide when and where to attack, defend, and carry out sentences on traitors, or non-Colbert people. They are made up of the heads of all the seperate departments of the Colbert Loyalist Army, Colbert Loyalist Navy, and the head guard of the Colbert Eliet. The perfectly balanced powers of all influences of all the different department heads make it an almost perfect governing body.


These are the most important members so far. Others will be added later, but we don't like when people that we don't know add their name. Don't worry, though, we can't do anything about it. Recently, we have been growing at an exponential rate, so thank you to all of the new members. Promotions come easy, and joining is even easier. Just put your name in the indicated area and follow the rules. You will be added to the senior members list after becoming an officer.

Seinor MembersEdit


  • J-Dog, Commander of the first squad of the Alchemy Division
  • Atenea del Sol, Secretary of Secretaries, member of the Alchemy Division
  • Dann135, Chief of Americaness
  • grazon President of awsome
  • DorkVader, Head of the Department of Alchemical Research
  • Dayra, Senior Mexican
  • Cameronissoaswsome, Head of Eagle Recon Department

New MembersEdit

Honorary PositionsEdit

Apart from the other stuff, there is also list of honorary positions. They can only be held by one person at a time, and they are almost all full at this point. They are-

  • President (held by Stephen Colbert, of course)
  • Vice President (also held by Stephen Colbert)
  • Prime Minister (currently held by User:WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer
  • Secratery of Awesomeness (given to Chuck Norris)
  • Token Black Guy (held by a person we call Sprinkles)
  • Secratary of secrataries (currently held by Atenea del Sol)
  • Chief of Americaness (currently held by Dann135)

Open positionsEdit

These are the open positions that desperatley need to be filled-

  • Second in command of the Investigative Department
  • Admiral Captain John assistant (A.K.A. Left Hand Man)
  • Commander of the 3rd armored division
  • Head of the Special Air Forces
  • That One Guy's body guard
  • Special Underwater Corps 8th division second in command
  • Third in command of the 19th squad of the special operations department
  • Commander of research squads 2-34 of the Alchemic Research Department
  • Eagle Recon Department commanders of divisions 3-12 and divisions 17-19


After joining, many things can happen. Depending on the department you joined, you can get promoted quickly, like the infiltration and investigative departments, or you will remain an enlisted rank, like the infintry. Don't worry, though. Certain enlisted ranks actually have more privilage than officers. I will go into detail later about the ranks. The higher your rank is, the more respect and invisible dollars you will recieve (DISCLAIMER:you won't actually recieve any money, so don't whine to me when you are broke, unless I owe you money).

Promotion systemEdit

For enlisted ranks, it is only a matter of time before you are promoted. Literaly. I seriously mean it. After a certain amount of time depending on your department, you will recieve a promotion. Usually it is only a few weeks untill you are promoted to E1. That is the simplest way to do things.

For officer ranks, you can be promoted by doing certain things, or on a special occasion (like Stephen's birthday). The time thing still exists here, but to a lesser extent. Missions are presented to the top three enlisted ranks to become officers, and after that to get promoted, all the way to major. At that rank, you better just wait and pray that you get promoted because the time thing no longer exists here.


For simplicity, we used a combination of army and air force ranks

  • Private(E0)
  • Private First Class (E1)
  • Corpral (E2)
  • Sergent (E3)
  • Staff Sergent (E4)
  • Master Sergent (E5)
  • Seinior Master Sergent (E6)
  • Cheif Master Sergent (E7)
  • Colbert Master Sergent (E8)


  • Second Luitenet (O1)
  • First Luitenet (O2)
  • Captain (O3)
  • Major (O4)
  • Luitenet Colonel (O5)
  • Colonel (O6)

Generals and Admirals

  • Brigadear General-Rear Admiral (1 Star)
  • Major General-Whatever Admiral (2 Stars)
  • Luitenet General-Vice Admiral (3 Stars)
  • General-Admiral (4 Stars)
  • Colbert General-Colbert Admiral (5 or more Stars)

Colbert Loyalist ArmyEdit

It isn't a normal army, but instead it deals with only direct non-Colbert threats. These threats used to be primarily gingers, but has switched to the more immediate threat of bears, commies, hippies, and other immediate threats. They classify threats in six catagories.

  • class 1- minor to no threat. That's it.
  • class 2- little threat, but has our attention and will be investigated.
  • class 3- average threat. We spend most of our time on these ones. With our Colbert technology, we can stop it easily.
  • class 4- advanced threat. The top of the Colbert Loyalists are used to deal with these ones.
  • class 5- Only Colbert Eliet are allowed to face these threats because of the danger.
  • class X- not a normal catagory, but it is reserved for the unknown threats.

As of October 23, 2008, the first class 5 ginger has been encountered. The focus of the Coblert Loyalists will be switched back to gingers until the threat can be eliminated.
UPDATE- At the risk of his own life, Prof. McDoc defeated the last and only class 5 ginger in recorded history. The fight was a caused by a suprise attack on the Technology and Research Developement Department by more than 100,000,000 gingers. They were all killed, Hooray. That was 97% of the ginger population, so they are basically gone. Nothing to worry about anymore.

Head CommandEdit

This is the most important department in the entire Colbert Loyalists. They give orders to all other departments and command all members. Only a select few are allowed to come to Head Command. They have no rank, because they are all above it. Most of them are so far above most other members, they could easily combat a class 4 ginger. They are very Colbertific and make up about 1.2% of the Colbert Loyalists and would be mostly officers, if they needed rank. With such a small percentage in the Colbert Loyalists, you may think it pointless to list them, and first at that, but they are the commanders of all the other Colbert Loyalists. Most of the honorary positions are included in here. Their most memerable point in history is when they kicked out the only member to ever be kicked out of Head Command. Mr Guy was the first and only person ever kicked out of Head Command. He was discharged because of something that happened at an early bear battle that wasn't recorded. Due to the loss of information, we only know that he sacrificed his own wriststrong to save the lives of hundreds of his fellow Colbert Loyalists. It was a short time after that someone introduced a new law that protected those who "sacraficed" their wriststrongs. This person was Prof. McDoc. Unfortunately, he was 3 days too late to save his friend and mentor, Mr. Guy. He was lost after being stripped of all his weapons on the way back home. That was never to happen again, and Prof. McDoc was the third person to resign from Head Command and the first head of the Technology and Research Developement Department.

Technology Development and Research DepartmentEdit

Prof. McDoc heads this department and they develope and repair all of the technology for the Colbet Loyalists, and a large portion for the entire Colbert Nation. This is the second most important department. The anti-non-Colbert technology is of the highest quality and is capable of defeating any enemy. The most important thechnology they have developed is the line of Colbearier products, used to protect from only bears originally, but now from almost everything. They also produce offensive weapons and protective armor (without the "u", Europe). The most dangerous invention and the one that almost got them eliminated was the "undercover ginger device". It was meant to make one look like a ginger so as to sneak past them at their anti-America meetings. It had one unexpected side effect (thanks alot, Prescott Pharmaceuticals). It caused what is now refered to as "Gingerification". The person that used ingested it would turn into a ginger. They wouldn't only look like one, but they would have the same capabilities to steal souls, and whatever else they can do. Luckily, the effects were only temperary. However, this didn't stop some of the test subjects to loose control and need to be nuetralized. The only people that could control themselves were Prof. McDoc, Tex, Pooperts, That One Guy, and Wiggles. The gingerification process greatly increased the amount of power that one had, to the extent that they would be classified as a class x threat if they were an enemy. Due to it's danger, though, it was discontinued. Some say that a large suply still exists within the walls of the Technology and Research Developement Department's main building and Prof. McDoc's priviate quarters. Shut up, some people, or I will get in trouble. Shhhhhh!!!!!!!! They make up about 12% of the Colbert Loyalists.

Investigative DepartmentEdit

These people are often excluded from normal rules because of their positions. They are very important for decifering enemy messages. Pooperts is the leader of this section. They also have thier own secret code that no enemy has been able to decifer yet (hooray). It will hopefully eventualy be put on display here for all Colbinistas to see. Don't get your hopes up, though, cause it will only be put up after it is decoded by the enemies. Pooperts is the leader for a good reason. He has no combat usefulness, and isn't stealthy or increadibly smart, but he is one of the most truthy people you will ever meet. He did some investigating on the gingers and gathered almost all of our information we currently have. He is also the one responsible for telling the Head Command about Mr. Guy's actions and the Technology and Research Developenemt Department's actions with gingerification. He may be a snitch, but that didn't change his relationship with everyone else. Despite his gay ponytail, he is easy to get along with and is the ideal person to go undercover. They are all trained to weild the wriststrong while it is covered or out of site, and in some cases, not even on their wrist, for quick responses while they are undercover and to remain undercover. The are the Colbert Loyalist equivilant to the FBI, without the fancy suits. Be sure that if you do something you weren't supposed to or commited a crime against Stephen, they will find and see to it that you are punished. Don't let their usual small stature fool you, they will mess you up if you get in their way. Let that be a word of warning. They make up about 3.8% of the Colbert Loyalists and are mostly enlisted and commanded by officers.

Infiltration DepartmentEdit

They are specialists at sneaking into enemy territory and going under cover. Tex is their leader. They usually don't do any major fighting or use any major weapons. They usually are used for scouting and asassinations. They function as spys sometimes, but mostly are scouts. They gather the information needed for Head Command to make their decisions, and report directly to them. They are one of the most specialized departments of the Colbert Loyalists and have the second highest casualty rate, at 24% (I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS A PERCENT OF, oops, I meant to wisper that). They have this because their job is to go into enemy territory and look at the enemy, which requires getting uber close and any noobs can get caught quite easily. Don't let that fool you, they are highly skilled and aren't usually caught off gaurd. The only problem is that they can get caught up in the main battle, and with a lack of weapons and light armor (once again without the "u", stupid Europeans) they are easily defeated. There is no need to go into details about what happens to most of them, but lets just say that there is a lot of violence and some blood and some gore and some pudding involved. That's right, pudding. The spying is what brought them fame, with Tex. She (that's right, Tex is a she) infiltrated the largest communist baes in South America. I know that is the lesser of the Americas, but at the time, it was a communist threat that had to be taken seriously. She worked up to the dictator and had the chance to eliminate him. The day it was to take place, she was discovered and after destroying almost all of the base, including the weapons, money, and the cocaine, she escaped alive. The thing that gave her away was the American flag tatooed on her butt, and she was pantsed in front of most of the high ranking commies. It turned out okay, anyways. Most of them are a high rank and they make up about 7% of the Colbert Loyalists.

Special Operations DepartmentEdit

They specialize in almost any different operation, but work best in secret. They are usually used for ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊████▊██ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ███ ██ █ ███ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████ ██ ▊ █▊██ ███ ██ █ ███ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ██ ██ ▊██████ as well as ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████ ██ ▊ ███ ███ ██ █ ███ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███▊███ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊██ ████ , but you guessed that. They also ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████ ██ ▊ ███ ███ ██ █ ███ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊████ ██ so then the donkey ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊████▊██ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊██████ ██ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████ ██ ▊ ███ ███ 7 times in a row▊██████ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████ ██ ▊ ███ ███ ██ █ ███ █ and sometimes with a cow ██ ██ ▊██████ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊██████ ██ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████ ██ but are also known to ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊████▊██ ▊██████ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███▊███ and he once ▊██████ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ███ ██ █ ███ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ and at one point ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ███ ██ █ ███ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ██ ▊ but the poor cat lost it's tail ███ ██ █ ███ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊██████ ███▊▊███ then the plane crashed into the barn -▊██████ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ███ ██ █ ███ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ but it took two hours ███ ██ █ ███ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████ and there where 12 of them ███▊▊███ ███ ██ █ ███ ███ ██ █ ███ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███▊███ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊████▊██ but she said no. Their leader is Nick-Name Pending, and he is ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊██████ ██████ ██ ▊██████ ████▊▊███ . Nick-Name Pending gave up his previous position to Tex because -███▊▊███ ███ ██ █ ███ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊██████ ████▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ███ ▊▊██ ██ ██ ▊██████ ██████ ██ and now he is here. Sorry I couldn't tell you more, but they are to secret. They make up about 4% of the Colbert Loyalists and are mostly secret ranks.

Frontline InfintryEdit

As the name suggests, they are the first people sent out into battle. They use the heaviest weapons and armor and usually inflict the most casualties. Thanks to improvements in armor and weapons, invented by Prof. McDoc, they no longer take the most casualties like they used to. This is Pooperts department. He isn't the official head, but he has the most influence. He is a badass mother fucker, after all. He is one of the best tacticians in the entire world, and has combat skills to back that up if he gets caught up in battle. That rarely happens, though, because he goes into combat willingly and tears the enemies a new one, if you know what I mean. His defining moment was at Bear Peak, when he lead the much needed backup for Prof. McDoc and his soldiers and researchers. That one incident thrust him and many other people into fame. Pooperts didn't let this go to his head, and continued to battle like everyone else. Among those most affected by his actions is Prof. McDoc, who learned everything he knows about tactic and stratagy from him. Thanks to him and that experience, the world is a safer place.
They make up about 38% of the Colbert Loyalists and are all enlisted.

Eliet InfintryEdit

These ones are the best in the Colbert Loyalists Army, but not quite good enough to be Colbert Eliet. They make up about 2% of the Colbert Loyalists and are all officers of Major or higher.

Special Air ForcesEdit

Specializing in glider combat, they can glide into any battle and can be a but saver. They make up about 6% of the Colbert Loyalists and are highly specialized enlisted dudes.

Eagle Recon DepartmentEdit

The Eagle Scouts are the main scouts used for the Colbert Nation. They are more stealthy than the B2, and twice as Americany. They blend in with the natural surroundings due to the fact that they are mainly animals, aside from the humans that dress up as Eagles. We are in need of new trainers and technicians (to tune up the Eagle-bots). Eagle-bots are Eagle decoys incase they are discovered. They are all armed with anti-bear weapons.

Alchemical Research DepartmentEdit

One of the new departments, they are in charge of all alchemy in the Colbert Loyalists. Their numbers are few, but they are the best that the Colbert Nation has to offer, such as the member Atenea del Sol, and the new head DorkVader. They are experts in regular chemistry, but because that doesn't believe in God enough, they decided to research a superior kind of science, God's science(kinda).

UPDATE- Through not-so-extensive testing, we uber-nerdsTM here at the ARD have developed two new weapons to add to the Colbert Loyalist arsenal:

  • The first is a truthiness-bomb, or T-bomb. This is made from refined Colbanium (a highly radioactive metalloid containing obscenely large amounts of both Americanity and truthiness), and it has these effects in a ten-mile radius:
  1. Turns any liberal into a Flaming Liberal
  2. Turns anyone of any other religion a Roman Catholic
  3. Gives any Colbert Loyalist telekinetic powers.
  • The next, for personal use, is an aerosol spray of Stephen's Formula 401 that produces the same effects as above, and also produces fresh breath that lasts!

Colbert Loyalist NavyEdit

They do the same thing as the army, but at sea. And don't think that they are even a little gay. They aren't. Not even a little bit. Okay, maybe that one time, but that was a mistake. Stop talking about that. It doesn't count. Poopy. CNS means Colbert Nation Ship, and we have 37 of them.
They consist of these following departments

Colbert Loyalist Navy OfficersEdit

These are obvioulsy the officers in charge of the operations. They are separate because they do no grunt work at all. They usually command them from affar. They make up about 6% of the Colbert Loyalists.

Navy sailorsEdit

They are the grunts of the navy and do all of the hard work and fighting. They are the best of the best sailors (and a few pirates) in the world. They make up about 17% of the Colbert Loyalists and are all enlisted.

Special Underwater CorpsEdit

The remaining 3% of the Colbert Loyalists are sailors specialized at diving and submarines. They use light weapons and armor, but use them so well that they don't really need anything better than that. They are mostly officers.


This is a list of the major ships and submarines-


  • CNS Stephen Colbert (flagship) Captained by Captain John
  • CNS Bill O'Reilly
  • CNS Chuck Norris
  • CNS Jesus

Battle ShipsEdit

  • CNS Prof. McDoc
  • CNS The Greatest President Ever
  • CNS Bear Killer
  • CNS Not-A-Commie
  • CNS Ginger Slayer
  • CNS Blower-Uper
  • CNS Wiggles
  • CNS Tex


  • CNS Big Guns
  • CNS Bad Names
  • CNS Canadian Killer
  • CNS Not Afraid Of Bears
  • CNS No Really, Not Afraid
  • CNS Border Patrol
  • CNS Captain John


  • CNS Lotta Guns
  • CNS Nick-Name Pending
  • CNS Pooperts
  • CNS Lotta Big Guns
  • CNS Mexikiller
  • CNS U.S.A.
  • CNS Fluffy-Cat
  • CNS Anti-Terrorist
  • CNS Donald Rumsfeld
  • CNS Scooter Libby


  • CNS Sneaky
  • CNS Underwater
  • CNS Can't See Us
  • CNS Down Here
  • CNS Super-Nuke

Aircraft CarriersEdit

  • CNS Fly
  • CNS Bomber Guy
  • CNS Zero
  • CNS Uncreative
  • CNS That One Guy

Colbert ElietEdit

The Colbert Eliet are the most eliet members of the Colbert Nation, not just the Colbert Loyalists. Now normally we aren't much for elietists, but these guys are different. Their emense power (A.K.A., awesomeness) is what keeps them seperate from the rest of the Colbert Loyalists. It normally takes years to work up to the rank of Eliet, but there can be exceptions. Take Wiggles, for example. He is only one year older than Prof. McDoc, and about 10 years younger than most other Eliet members. He does have a reason for this, however. He was exceptionally gifted when he was in the infintry, and has more battle experience than most people, and very quickly rose to the rank of Major, before being removed from the Colbert Loyalists all together. There was no obvious way to get back in. Boo-hoo, he is gone forever, but what is that?! It's Prof. McDoc, the super awesome person that is awesome. He did some research and found that while most people consider the Colbert Eliet part of the Colbert Loyalists, they are slightly seperate. They have the same governing body, but have different laws, rules, regulations, and different ways of enforcing them. They are very exclusive, but with Prof. McDoc's connections, and Wiggles amazingness, they pulled it off and he was in. He quickly rose to Vice-captain in less than a year, and three months later, he was the captain of squad 3 and Prof. McDoc's personal gaurd. Just goes to show you, if you have the right connections and the skill, you can do anything.

Colbert Eliet Guard StructureEdit

The Colbert Eliet rank structure is as follows-

  • Commander (highest)
  • Captian (leader of the squad)
  • Vice-captian (It's obvious)
  • Sargaernt (Feild Commanders)
  • Guards (Normal People)

--with 24 squads of 50-70 people as of March 1, 2009. Each squad has it's own captain and vice-captain. They are in charge of what they do most of the time. The number of sargaents is dependant on the number of other members, and it isn't a permanent position. To keep it long is rare, due to injury, promotion, or demotion. The rest of the members are devided up into cells of 5 to 10 people used to gaurd important Colbert Loyalists facilities and people. Good luck getting past them, since they are the best around, and weild giant axes charged with super concentrated truthicules and have super strong and light battle armor (NO "U" STUPID EUROPE!!!).

Colbert Nation Flag2 Colbert Nation/Colbert Loyalists arose in the Colboard from the guts of Prof. McDoc, That One Guy, Wiggles, and Captain John

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