Christopher Collins Latta (August 30, 1949 – June 12, 1994), known to the world as the Cobra Commander, was the mastermind behind the world’s most dangerous and proliferate terrorist organization in the pre 9/11 continuity. A skilled tactician and warrior known for his uncanny ability to sell used cars, Cobra Commander terrorized the western hemisphere for more than a decade before a sudden decline in Hasbro’s sales and 9/11 forced him into a tertiary terrorist position, dwelling within the shadow of greater threats to national security such as al-Qaeda, bears, and Canada.
He is the leader of the terrorist organization known as COBRA.
History of COBRA Edit
COBRA is a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world. In the pre 9/11 world, COBRA posed the biggest threat to American security with drugs and obesity following in at 2nd and 3rd, respectively. Structured almost entirely on greedy, civilized middle class white males who do not ride camels to work every day, COBRA fits the classic pre 9/11 terrorist profile. They are still a major threat to national security and their very presence raises the terror alert to “Death-Watch Plaid.”
COBRA was founded in 1979 by Chris Latta, a disgruntled used-car salesman and deformd scion of an ancient race of reptile-men who was dissatisfied with the bureaucracy of the Prime Administration. Using a simplistic pyramid scheme from his headquarters in Springfield, Virginia, Latta was able to amass a small fortune and a handful of loyal followers. His antics would soon capture the attention of arms dealer James McCullen Destro XXIV, or “Destro” to his homies. Anastasia deCobray, the Baroness, would serve as his lieutenant and oversee COBRA’s functional capabilities, such as making sure the headquarters was vacuumed and that dinner was served on time. The three would comprise the COBRA Command, the gut of the organization requiring at least Platinum Membership to gain VIP access.
Other notable COBRA members include:
- Firefly, the faceless VietCong explosives expert
- Zartan, the faceless gay Australian biker and leader of the Dreadnoks
- Cesspool, the ugly corporate raider who liked to rape Mother Nature
- Dr. Mindbender, the mad dentist
- Headman, COBRA’s flaming pimp
- Storm Shadow, the godless Nip
- Wild Weasel, the pig-yiffing furry
COBRA is extraordinarily appealing to middle class white males due to its many benefits and should not be confused with the other terrorist organization, WASP (though the similarities are at times too great to ignore).
- Strong sense of brotherhood and team-oriented goals
- Competitive hierarchy
- No black people
- Special, exclusive uniforms and casual Fridays
- Health and dental insurance
- Leader dresses like a blue ghost all year
Cobra Schemes and SuccessesEdit
Being a terrorist organization of the diabolical variety, Cobra Commander has lead Cobra on many psychotic outtings with the intention of collapsing the American government once and for all.
A few of these mad plots for world domination include:
- Using a high-powered laser to etch his face into the moon. Presumably, once the world saw his visage up in the sky, they would immediately pledge loyalty to Cobra.
- Creating a machine which destroys money and only money all over the world just by pressing the "on" button. Without money, it was assumed that everyone would submit to Cobra.
- Editting millions of elementary school text books to read pro Cobra. It was believed that if young putty-like minds read that Cobra defeated Goliath and Napoleon they would immediately become loyal to the Cobra cause.
- Replacing high-ranking government officials with gooey clones called "synthoids". This was almost a good idea, however, the clones would deteriorate after a few hours, making their infiltration abilities rather questionable.
- Disguising the Dreadnoks as a heavy metal band and using their music to brainwash America into submitting to Cobra. Despite the debatable success of the strategy, "Cold Slither" topped the charts for weeks and the Cobra Organization is still raking in royalty checks.
COBRA Today Edit
Cobra Commander was reported to have been killed in the mountains of Cobra La, Afghanistan during a carpet bombing by G.I. Joe in 1994. He was last seen by Marvin S. Hinton, a black chef who may have been high at the time due to his inconsistent personal testimony as to the events that led to the Commander’s disappearance. According to Hinton, the Commander turned into a giant bipedal snake who kept on screaming “I waaasss onccccce a maaaaaaaaaan!” every 3 seconds and would not shut up. Gradually de-evolving by the minute, the Commander depended on Hinton for support and finally slithered away after a few hours.
Critics agree that the account is possibly false on the basis of Hinton being black.
Many reports indicate that Cobra Commander may still be alive and well, as he poses as an admin from NikeTalk under the name of Method Man since 1999, which is evident as his avatar is a picture of himself.