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The climate is an illusion created by North American Man-Bear Love Association scientists in association with Smokey the Bear. Despite what they say, it is composed of only five elements: air, fire, water, earth, and carbon dioxide (aether). The climate is not complex in any way. In fact, it’s very simple to understand how and why things happen.
General Element Traits Edit
Air – light and airy, just right for Real Americans to breathe
Fire – hot and heavy, a great tool for vanquishing liberal tendencies
Water – wet and slippery, it makes instant lemonade possible
Earth – heavy and dirty, mud wrestling wouldn’t be the same without it
Detailed Element Description Edit
Scientist would have you believe that air is made of oxygen, nitrogen, and other trace gasses, but they depend on facts, not truthiness. Real Americans know that air is made of environmentally safe, non-toxic color dye (sky blue), clouds, wind, and sometimes rain, snow, sleet, or hail. It is widely believed that air (not Geraldo Rivera’s Mustache) causes and controls weather.
Fire is made of the souls of Godless Killing Machines and Environmentalist and can be used only by those who support and believe in The Greatest President Ever!. It was he who discovered fire on the 8th day and immediately began to smoke communist out of their ideological caves. This singular event is the only known reason why evil scientists did not conquer the America’s Planet completely before Stephen returned to continue the fight (and not a minute too late)!
Water has been a tool of every true American Patriot since its creation by God. It cannot be used by anyone who believes in lies (the earth is round, the internets is a Dump Truck, the New York Times, ect.) Water has had many great moments, the most recent being Hurricane Katrina. Without a doubt its greatest moment was Noah’s Flood, which inspired President Ronald Reagan to invent the Trickle-Down Effect.
Professional mud wrestlers are reverent when they speak this element, which was created by God to prove to the fact-loving fishes of the sea that he was, indeed, the one and only God. Most of the fishes were noticeably impressed, and instantaneously converted to save their heathenistic souls. The sole exception was the shark, which scoffed at the idea and was turned into a Godless Killing Machine for the rest of eternity.
Carbon Dioxide (Aether) Edit
This is the ultimate secret weapon, God’s Essence. It should be obvious to any righteous believer that the more of it that there is, the more righteous America’s Planet will become (note to Al Gore.) However, God’s Essence can only be used safely by the most super-human believers of THE faith (Catholic or those who practice unfettered free-market capitalism.) God’s permission is also required to use it safely. Anyone who tries to use it without proper belief or permission will be turned into an owl.
Who Controls the Climate? Edit
Squirrels control the climate. If for some reason you doubt that, see below:
GIVEN: Climate is made of air.
GIVEN: Air controls weather.
GIVEN: Weather is controlled by squirrels (from a secret under-tree lair.)
NIXO-FACTO: Squirrels control the climate
Why do bad things happen? Edit
Bad things happen because people who know nothing about the truthiness of the world try to use sacred ideas, and are punished severely for their insolence. These people always have a low Truthiness Quotient (T.Q.) and are not to be trusted (see Democrats.)
Why do good things happen? Edit
Good things happen when a person with a high Truthiness Quotient (T.Q.) asks God’s permission to use a sacred idea. When he grants their request, anything they do with the sacred idea will be blessed (see Republicans.)