Al Franken
Civil Rights has earned

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Blacks in apartheid America should have stopped complaining and thanked their lucky stars they weren’t in the Belgian Congo under Leopold.
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~ Real America to Black People
The Sekret Evils of Civil Rights

Civil rights are something or other about freedom and equality for everybody. They were really big in the 1950s and 1960s but, Since 9/11, they seem to have gone largely out of style.


American citizens exercising the right to seek redresses from their government. Note the proximity of the protesters to their representative barricade.

Who Invented Civil Rights?Edit

As with everything, civil rights were invented by God as a precious gift to His children. He did not intend to just let His children have this gift for nothing, however; like any good parent, He wanted His kids to earn it, through centuries of character-building slavery, indentured servitude, and racial injustice. Of course, His white kids had passed the "rights driving test" years before by being the first on the block to convert to Christianity. His gay kids, meanwhile, got the occasional birthday check; it was God's way of making up for all those missed ballet recitals.

Examples Of Civil RightsEdit

Everything was fine for the first half of the 20th century; contrary to most liberal revisionist history books, blacks and whites got along great, often exchanging friendly waves and "howdy neighbors" from the opposite ends of town.

During this era, Martin Luther King, Jr. made his famous "I Have A Dream" speech, blowing people's minds to the point that they forgot he had ever said anything else. In it, he told his followers that the content of one's character is more important than the color of one's skin, which we can obviously take to mean that race isn't even worth discussing, and that anyone who brings it up is a bigot.

Unfortunately, the leaders of the civil rights movement — a bunch of troublemakers who didn't want to pay their poll taxes — completely misinterpreted Dr. King's message, using it as an excuse to disrupt Montgomery, Alabama's bus schedule. All of a sudden, people who didn't see race were forced to notice that they lived among black people, and took appropriate action.

Soon afterward, the ACLU got into the act, saying that everyone deserved civil rights, regardless of whether God liked them enough to make them rich and white. They invented Affirmative Action to discriminate against the salt of the Earth, especially the richest .01 percent of it.

After 9/11, these rabble-rousers insisted that the government's attempts to give Arabs and Mooslims a drink of sweet freedom violated their civil rights. The Greatest Administration Ever was thus forced to ignore the Constitution just this once and keep their plans top secret, as they knew that the public's heads would explode if exposed to such intricate brilliance. Just to be on the safe side, George W. Bush ran the plan by God, who of course approved.

While the liberal media and other such Fact Huggers might say otherwise, President Bush is a staunch defender of civil rights. He believes in them so strongly that he ordered them poured into thousands of bombs and dropped onto Iraq.

Who Needs Civil Rights?Edit

While God created civil rights, He made sure to mention somewhere in the back of the Bible that they weren't really all that important, especially when Freedom Haters are trying to kill you. "You will not fear by day, unless Donald Rumsfeld tells you to," spake The Lord. "In which case, just do what he says. Hell of a guy, that Rumsfeld."

How Civil Rights Are Destroying AmericaEdit

America was founded on the right to vote with help from your friendly local Diebold technician, freedom of speech that has been officially sanctioned by Rupert Murdoch, and the pursuit of happiness as brought to you by QVC. In recent years, however, a pack of Left-wing nut jobs have been trying to tell our children that real freedom is about "thinking for yourself", "speaking your mind", and "treating other people as equals". Real Americans ignore such Communist propaganda, of course, and embrace their greatest, most sacrosanct freedom: to report such troublemakers to their local Homeland Security agent.

External TubesEdit

"Civil Rights"
is a part of's dictionary, "Watch What You Say". For the full dictionary, click here.

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