When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather, he kicks ass until he’s full.
Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
When Chuck Norris plays baseball, he hits a home-run every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. He then proceeds to impregnate all the girls in the stadium with his beard.
If you look at Chuck Norris while he is smiling, your entire family will get AIDS.
Chuck Norris can actually breathe fire.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass, at night!
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
God said 'let there be light' ...Chuck Norris said, "say please"
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light on. It’s not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris “digs for gold”, he actually pulls out gold.
Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits, but if Chuck were to sleep, he would sleep with a pillow under his gun.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. Now they're just called The Islands.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job" and the universe was born.
Saddam wasn't hiding in a hole in Iraq. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him into the ground in Kansas and he wound up there.
Chuck Norris is most likely God, but it is impossible for mere mortals to know.
In the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris killed all of the North Vietnamese in five minutes. The media made up the story of the war because they felt bad for the humiliation the North suffered.
Chuck Noris doesn't use a parachute when he skydives. He lands on his feet and then runs 250 miles to the nearest airport to catch a flight back.