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The second greatest holiday ever, after Ronald Reagan's birthday, Christmas is the time of celebration and joy where people of all faiths can come together and celebrate the The Baby Jesus's birthday.
If you don't celebrate Christmas, then you are a terrorist and you are going to Hell. If you believe, as the people of Thailand do, that Christmas celebrates the crucifixtion of Santa Claus by his seven dwarves, you are also going to Hell.
Liberals hate this holiday. Jon Stewart, known for being Stephen Colbert's Jewish friend, had placed a War on Christmas that Bill O'Reilly had the guts to call him on. Hopefully, under the Christian guidance of Stephen Colbert, the Jewish Demons can be expelled from Jon's body and he can work towards being more Christian and Christmas loving.
A special bonus to the greatness that is Christmas, it is the one day when all bears lay down arms against the human race in fear of the mighty wrath of the Jesus.
The History of ChristmasEdit
Christmas is the original holiday. Christmas Day used to be called Christmas Adam, and God took the first day of it (because it used to be two days long) and called it Christmas Eve. Thus, Christmas Adam and Christmas Eve were the first two holidays, and then they ate of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Supply and Demand™ and copulated madly to create a whole slew of other holidays.
Oh, and Our Savior the Lord Jesus Christ was born on Christmas Adam, which is now called Christmas Day because it takes too long to write "Adam".
The Americanness of ChristmasEdit
- Buying red, white and blue trees!
- saying "Merry Christmas" starting the day after Halloween instead of mentioning some other lesser holiday
- "... or Xmas if you hate Christmas." - Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, 11/30/2006
- ".... If there's one thing Jesus cared about it was semantics."- Stephen Colbert
War On ChristmasEdit
The Jewish liberal media, who cause all wars, have started another war, this time against Christmas. The hell-bound believe Christmas violates the Constitution, and hope to curtail the unlimited chimney access granted nation-wide to Santa Claus by the Patriot Act. George W. Bush has appointed Mel Gibson as Secretary of the Defense of Christmas, due to his deep "passion" for Jesus and his good relations with the Jews.
Stephen Colbert declared an early war on the war on Christmas this year to prepare the Christian soldiers or Republican Base.
Christmas Fun FactsEdit
- Christmas is also Jesus' Birthday!
- Jesus got three presents for his first Christmas--Gold, A Frankenberry cereal bowl, and a little Mermaid tea-party set (some thought it was going to be a girl)
- If I get another fucking sweater from my Aunt Gilda this Christmas, I'm going to shove it right up her Chimney!
- If I have to buy another sweater for my nephew Timmy, i'm gonna shove it up his christmas pudding!