The Infinite religion that lead to Jesus of Nazareth and his father, Unicornic God. Real Christians existed before Jesus was ever born cause they had the FAith to know it was the one TRUE religion. Adam & Eve were Christians before that damn talking snake turned them into UN-AMERICAN Liberals.
Contrary to popular opinion, the Universe is not billions and billions of years old. It is merely 11.09k years old, it always has been and always will be. This was determined through a rigorous process of being told over and over by Any gay mexicans you can find And you know the rest; six days of creation, then rest, then he got up and discovered those ungrateful brats ate an apple and ruined everything. But God being God knew that was going to happen (i guess) and sent his only son to be sacrificed for our sins. yes, the sacrificial lamp whose death was a rebirth for the rest of us, our sins washed away in the blood of the lamb so humanity could be redeemed and achieve salvation!!! Therefore our entire religion is based on the death of Jesus; the most noble and selfless acts in the history of mankind!! ...but then he came back to life after three days... so...
Here's some sins you need to know about, cause obviously if you didn't believe you had sins this whole religion would be pointless and we all know that's not the case soooo...
Witchcraft.) B/c God possess magic it is blasphemy to use magic for yourself. So in the enlightened times of the dark ages when religion had the power of government, the Inquisition performed the nobel deed of killing witches in order to save their souls.
... well, let's just sum it up for you; if you enjoy something; it's a sin. That is to say, the thing you're enjoying and the very act of enjoying it is a sin. Jesus has a lot of work to do to. (see next section)
When our merciful Lord and Saviour shows up to kill everyone it will be a blessed day indeed. All the marijuana crops will shrivel up and George Bush's Q rating will skyrocket once again.
if you're still unconvinced, i have a book here you should read, it's called, 'STFU & Do What I Say, Believe What I Say & Hate Who I Say The Way I Say To Do It' .
And in case you need an incentive to believe, think about it this way... if you believe what we tell you to believe and we're wrong; then all you've given up is your life savings and any kind of happiness we don't approve of or understand, AND THAT'S IT! But if you DON"T believe what we tell you to believe and we're RIGHT, then you'll be dead after you die. Did i mention our group won't die after we die? kinda puts everything into perspective, don't'cha think?
We even have an App for that!
Christians are not pussies and we will God's wrath to anyone who says otherwise.
Please God, save us from gay marriage, stem-cell research and universal healthcare.>> *aMen* Don't forget to wear your Nikes!
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