Animated USflag
U R Here
is a Recognized City of the United States of America.
All the geography American schoolkids Need To Know.

Is totally FUBAR (F##cked Up Beyond All Recognition)
and is shunned by Stephen Colbert and The Baby Jesus

Hello, Kitty
Hello, Chinatown
Asian and very good at math.


Lo Pan
Chairman of Chinatowns Chamber of Commerce and Visitors Bureau, Lo Pan would like to personally welcome you to Chinatowns. And remind you to carry plenty of valuables and extra cash.


Evil Dragons Roam The Streets
Chinatowns are bereft with Dragons Be very wary or you may be on Chinatowns menu.


Gates of Hell Chinatowns
Typical entrance to a Chinatowns. Placard over the gate reads, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

Chinatowns are impoverished ghettos quaint neighborhoods filled with criminals colorful residents and steeped in violence cultural heritage. Located in Honolulu, New York, Los Angeles San Francisco and several other major cities that thrive on drugs and crime rich ethnic diversity.

Chinatowns are where teens go to buy alcohol, prostitutes, fireworks, switchblades (and other assorted exotic weapons). Also to view weird, live porn and get mugged by the Wu-Tang Clan.

Chinatowns HistoryEdit


Chinatowns Circa 1890
Created 150 years ago as a detention camp utopian village for our Yellow Friends. Chinatowns continue to languish prosper today.


Chinese Healthcare
Unhappy with the U.S. healthcare system? In Chinatowns they treat cancer with knitting needle dipped in bear turds shoved in your skull.

After being exploited gainfully employed to build America's vast railroad network in the mid 19th century and being worth too little to sell off as slaves employ in other professions. The Chinese were deported relocated to Concentration Camps beautiful Ethnic-American villages, called Chink Camps Chinatowns.

Chinatowns TodayEdit

Our Yellow Friends have been very oppressed happy living in their various Chinatowns around The Greatest Country In The Universe. Let's take a tour through their prison quaint little villages and see what our criminal industrious and clever Yellow Friends (not that we see color) are up to...

Chinatowns LandmarksEdit


Duane Chapman
AKA "Dog the Bounty Hunter"
Beth "The Huntress" Chapman

Honolulu's Chinatowns is kept safe for Round Eyes by these local Super Heroes. Don't mess with the Dog! If you think he's tough, try messin' with Beth, she packs more than just gigantic boobs heat.


L.A. County Jail Tour
When visiting LA's Chinatowns, don't miss this exciting tour with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Paris Hilton. Be sure to take the kiddies to see the Pedophile Petting SHU (Special Housing Unit).


Chinese Hand Laundry
Alliance Museum

Fascinating exhibits chronicle the Chinese peoples contribution to drudgery.

Each Chinatown offers visitors their own unique experience. Be sure to see the following landmarks in America's different Chinatowns:


Los Angeles:

  • L.A. County Jail
  • Day's Inn Downtown (Some reports indicate these may be the same place.)

New York City:

  • NYPD's 5th and 7th Precincts (NYPD has Chinatown surrounded)
  • "The Chinese Hand Laundry Alliance" Headquarters and Museum

San Francisco:

  • The Tong Palace Restaurant (Great spot to hob nob with Chinese gangsters)
  • Ginger's Trois (Chinese gangster Gay Bar)

All Chinatowns Locations:

  • Dumpsters full of dead tourists.
  • The "No Tickee" Laundry
  • Dragon Lady's Nine Inch Nail Salon
  • Lucy Liu's Happy Endings Massage Parlor
  • Dead whores in alleys

Exotic Dishes Found Only In ChinatownsEdit

The Chinatowns tourist will find an exciting and delicious (the one English word all Chinese street vendors seem to know) array of exotic delicacies, ranging from the unusal to the downright disgusting, there is sure to be something to please everone's palate.

Super Delicious Chinatowns Menu

Chinese Dog
Most important ingredient in Chinese cuisine, radioactive dog.


Fried Giant Scorpion On A Stick
Looks a bit like lobster or craw dads, might be edible. Six more Tsingtao Darks and we'll give it a go! Better make that twelve more.


Fried Starfish
Does that come in Kosher? Tastes best when you watch someone else, like a drunken Chink Yellow Friend eat it. Sorry Cannibalism before starfish.


Roast Dog Vendors
♫♪ How much is that doggie in the window... ♫♪


Dried Goat Head
Dried means they just let it sit outside in the sun until, well, it gets stiff. Starvation looks more appetizing. Bon Appetite! (Note dried goat intestine behind.)

Businesses Found In ChinatownsEdit


Opium Dens Abound
The most successful opium den franchise in Chinatowns is "Lo Pan's Toke and Puke" (Lo Pan is shown here personally loading the pipes). With dozens of locations to serve you and low priced Chinese under aged Prostitots, Lo Pan's is truly a "full service" establishment.


What, No Happy Ending?
Chinatowns cops, ever vigilant, issue citations to establishments that leave their customers "unhappy."


Teenager Shopping Mecca
With a wide selection of counterfeit designer watches and handbags, illegal narcotics, nun chuks, throwing stars, bootleg Heavy Metal t-shirts and "No I.D." alchohol, teens throng to Chinatowns nationwide.


Chinese Triad Drug Dealers
Gangs of drug dealers malinger on the streets of Chinatowns. Hopped up on methamphetamine and prone to the most random acts of violence, visitors are cautioned to avoid these punks.

Famous Peoples From ChinatownsEdit


Ben Cartwright and Hop Sing
Thanks to Great Republicans like Lorne Green, our little Yellow Friends were able to prosper and acheive great things. Like being a slave houseboy on The Ponderosa.


Charlie Chan and #1 Son
Known as the "Slant-Eyed Sherlock Holmes," Ace Detective Charlie Chan used fortune cookies to root out and capture mobsters and Nazis throughout the 1930's and 1940's

A Typical Day In A ChinatownsEdit


Chinatowns Shops
Chinatowns offer cheap knock-off junk designer merchandise at rip-off discount prices.


Chinatowns Toll Collectors
The Triads and the Tongs own the streets in the Chinatowns. Be prepared to offer a significant "tribute."


Chinatowns Have Many Prostitutes
Chinatowns whores, while not so pretty, are very attentive and submissive.


Chinatowns Nightlife
Chinatowns are known for the "Buddhatini," a concoction of Chinese Vodka with a splash of Water buffalo piss, served with a raw shrimp.

  • Have your car jacked while parking.
  • Get sinking feeling as you walk through gates of Hell Chinatowns.
  • Molested by street vendors.
  • Drink three Buddhatinis.
  • Purchase throwing stars, nunchuks and fire crackers.
  • Sit down on bag with throwing stars, puncture ass.
  • Hit self in head with nunchuks.
  • Regain conciousness.
  • Blow tip off index finger with firecracker.
  • Get mugged
  • Purchase knock-off watch and handbag to replace real ones that were stolen.
  • Three more Buddhatinis to kill pain.
  • Eat something disgusting for lunch.
  • More Buddhatinis to wash it down.
  • Get food poisioning.
  • Stumble into alley to puke up Buddhatinis and octopus that is still alive.
  • Watch in horror as octopus scurries away and disappears down drain.
  • Get mugged again.
  • Buy counterfeit Judas Priest Live at the Budokan t-shirt to replace shirt that got covered in blood during explosion/mugging.
  • More Buddhatinis.
  • Buy massage with last 40 bucks you hid in shoe.
  • Catch STD from whore massuese.
  • Puke again.
  • Get lost leaving massage parlor.
  • Mugged again.
  • Get your nostril lacerated by thug with switchblade because you having nothing left to steal.
  • Still lost, wander drunk and bleeding through alleys.
  • Get murdered for your kidneys. Liver is shot from too many Buddhatinis.

Strange Customs in ChinatownsEdit

  • It is polite to burp after eating a big plate of dog.
  • It is acceptable to "re-eat" your live octopus after it climbs back out of your throat.
  • Checking under a prostitutes skirt to determine true gender prior to payment, is considered "good form."

Chinatowns Travel TipsEdit


Lost In Chinatowns
Becoming disoriented in a Chinatown's maze-like structure without benefit of Kung Fu Mastery or adequate firepower can be a harrowing experience.

Mogwai gizmo

Mogwais Look Cute and Cuddly
But do not be fooled. They are the Chinatowns master plan to rule the world. If you feed them after dark they morph into one of Satan's most diabolical Godless Killing Machines the Gremlin. And if you get one wet, lookout! They multiply faster than Mexican teenagers at a Cinco de Mayo party.

Chinatowns Don'tEdit


  • Under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES be tricked into purchasing a Mogwai.
  • Get lost.
  • Feed the dragons or dancing bears.
  • Use the pointed end of your chopstick to push the tentacle back in your nose when your octopus tries to climb out. That's what the blunt end is for.
  • Speak the Chinese you just learned from Rosetta Stone. With hundreds of dialects you can easily say something that will get your lungs cut out and sold for transplantaion.
  • Drive a nice car, wear nice clothes and jewelry or carry any bills larger than a five.
  • Go unarmed.
  • Eat anything unless you've had a Cholera shot.
  • Think the live Octopus won't try to climb back out.

Chinatowns DoEdit


Gremlin Leader 'Stripe"
Once you have been tricked into a Mogwai purchase by a seemingly sweet old Chinatownsian, expect to have your home over run by these terrifyingly destructive creatures


The Infamous "Triad"
If you do become lost DO NOT approach these guys for directions. They are inscrutibly dishonest and always dangerous Dragon lovers and Kung Fu Masters.


Fun Chinatowns FactoidsEdit


Chinatowns Map
Located adjacent to Toontown and with nearby freeway access, Chinatowns are easy to find.

China ID

Chinatowns ID Check
Asian bartender says, "Round Eyes all rookie same to Asians. Rook rike Abe Rinkin, even more Rike Andrew Jackson".


Chinatowns Dragons
Appearing festive and fun during the daylight hours, Chinatowns Dragons become bloodthirsty Godless Killing Machines when the sun goes down.

  • Located on the map next to Toontown.
  • Birthplace of Dragons and Gremlins.
  • Second only to Washington D.C. for Homocides.
  • Only place to buy rare White Rhinoceros Horn.
  • Get's even scarier after dark.
  • Police won't go there in groups of less than 10.
  • Acceptable forms of ID at bars in Chinatowns is any U.S. currency.

See AlsoEdit

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