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Chemistry is a science based on facts not from The Bible. It deals with the breakdown of matter into mystical particles called atoms and claims that these atoms interact independently of God. Chemistry also supports other Un-American concepts such as Evolution, Global Warming, and Bowtie Pasta.
In recent years, chemistry has been used by the Blame America Firsters such as Al Gore and The New York Times as a weapon against freedom. Chemists use "evidence" to tell people what to think, even if it isn't what's in their gut, and to seduce god-fearing citizens into believing ridiculous claims such as "The polar ice caps are melting" or "There are no Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq." Luckily, heroes like Stephen Colbert and George W. Bush protect us from this wave of facts by giving the American public pure, unfiltered truthiness.
Impossible Class to pass in SchoolEdit
When Stephen Colbert was in High School he couldn't learn or grasp the concepts of chemistry. On all his tests he failed because he wrote down quotes from the Bible. Stephen feels that no one can pass a chemistry class except for Jessica Simpson because she knows that Silicone can fill her boobs. Stephen was failed by his chemistry teacher but more importantly he got 100% in God's grade book.
Proof that Chemistry is Wrong Edit
- It's not in the Bible. The Bible is always right; it says so.
- We can't see atoms. Isn't that a little too convenient, chemistry? But we can feel God. In our gut.
- If The Greatest President cannot act independently from God, then atoms shouldn't be able to either. Nothing is more powerful than the president.
People Who Use Such Demon MethodsEdit
In a small rural town in Georgia, an evil chemist called Rhonda Stroud has often been seen using chemistry in order to poison little boys and girls in order to pass some demon national exam. A follower of hers, Sir Jorge Diaz, invented "Peanut Butter" when mixing with lab chemicals. It is said that when he swam to America from Cuba, he had to fight mysterious bears and it was from those bears that he received such mysterious chemical powers. Upon December 13th 1956, Jorge, also known as Horhay, came into contact with Rhonda and began to develop evil chemicals such as tea in order to one day rule the world and defeat the great Kent Ames ( see: History of Calculus).
However, the two failed miserably. Kent Ames and his Calculus overcame such evil and at last destroyed the Stroud's Cloud. Those who were there say they saw Master Chief alongside Kent Ames as he has been seen with many world wide super heroes including George Bush, Jesus, and the Pillsbury Doughboy. Upon defeating Rhonda Stroud, her evil was cast into a Periodic element that few have heard of yet many have experienced day to day. That element is known as PMS; Derived from PerfectMs.Stroudiam as it causes pain in the lives and uteri of many.
Will she strike again? Perhaps, yet, no one really knows as now she has some good. A sole, even, yet her evil ally, Jorge Diaz, is still on the loose fighting bears and making Peanut Butter so that one day he can take over the world like his great grand father- Fidel Castro
However, there is one branch of chemsitry that will not send the practitioner directly to hell. This is alchemy. Major portions of alchemical tradition have be twisted by liberal bears into the heathen chemistry we hate today. It's too late for it now. Chemistry was Dead to Stephen before it was born. But alchemy is a science any Hero can get behind. The true beauty of alchemy is that it's vague enough so that we can let the free market decide what happens. Chemistry has set laws. Hey Mendeleev, if I want to drink liquid nitrogen, that's my business!
See main article: Alchemy