The Cast of Friends is a group of ridiculously pretty, utterly pointless people who are dead to Stephen Colbert.
Who Are These People?Edit
These people infiltrated innocent American homes every Thursday in the 1990s, and whose names should not be uttered henceforth (except this one time, for the truthiness):
- Matt Leblanc who plays Joey
- Lisa Kudrow who plays Phoebe
- Matthew Perry who plays "Chandler"
- Jennifer Aniston who plays Rachel
- Courtney Cox who plays Monica
- David Schwimmer who plays Ross
Matt Leblanc Edit
Matt Leblanc is obviously French with a name like that, therefore, he is a Democrat, a communist, a bear, and a terrorist. He is probably going to fly a plane into the Empire State Building some day; what kind of a monster would do that? A member of the cast of friends would! Leblanc suffers from "opposite feet." His left foot is where his right foot should be and his right foot is where his left foot should be. However, Leblanc claims he can still run "faster than a China-man and almost as fast as a regular man."
Lisa Kudrow Edit
Lisa Kudrow is a crazy lady who dyes her hair blond, even though she has brown hair. Incidentally, how the hell does a Jew have blond hair? She, too, is French, and while her Judaism makes her bad, her Frenchness makes her worse. Lisa once explained the success of "Friends" by shrugging her shoulders and listlessly pointing off, saying "You got me... maybe over zere zomewhere."
Matthew Perry Edit
Matthew Perry is a huge asshole. (No, really. He actually is. Sorry "Chandlerites," but sometimes Truthiness hurts.) Not only is he incredibley depressing, he's a Canadian and an Ottawa Senators fan to boot! It should be noted that Matthew Perry is a Canadian of the bad sort, one that doesn't realize the United States is greater than Canada in every single way. Shame on you Matthew Perry. You make Jesus cry. If you act fast, you may still get to watch Matthew on Studio 30 Rock as he tackles his "dream role," pretending to be a "tortured TV comedy writer" without having to keep an actual TV comedy writer's hours. The show's on NBC, right after-- Oops. Too late! However, Chandlerinis, no fear! Matthew Perry can be seen on television again, this time in "Mr. Sunshine" on -- uh oh. No, wait! Check him out starring in NBC's "Go -- " oh, goddammit!
Jennifer Aniston Edit
I won't even get into what she's done. The beautiful luster of her famous hair obtains its sheen with a bong resin conditioner flown over from Amsterdam in diplomatic bags. She is the second cast member of Friends who is able to wiggle her nipples. (Frequent guest-star Elliot Gould being the other.) Jennifer taught her dog, "Captain O'Gomez," a terrier/coyote mix, how to stand on his back legs and make a California omelette.
Courtney Cox Edit
She is Courtney Arquette in my mind. Only liberals hyphenate their names. Who does she think she is trying to use her maiden name? Hillary Clinton? She once ate an entire plate of water on a dare. Courtney, or Miss Cox if you're rusty (in celebrity trivia) can recite the complete list of governors of Virginia in chronological order from 1773-1897 and 1911-2011.
David Schwimmer Edit
David Schwimmer plays a character who believes in evolution and rooms with a monkney. As we all know, God created the world in one instant, six thousand years ago, during a pretty busy week. But this man poisons babies' minds until they believe that evolution is true.
For his sins, The Almighty Heavenly Father will curse Schwimmer to spend the rest of his career playing the whiny brother of the star of the movie, or said star's whiny lawyer. This superstar thespian "brings it" in his forthcoming feature film Meerkat Patrol! where he plays one of Greg Kinear's jealous brothers. Followed by his fifthcoming feature My Own Funeral, where Schwimmer plays Matthew McConaughey's estate lawyer. By state law, Schwimmer is not allowed to hum in South Dakota.
Honorary Cast MembersEdit
Therefore, anyone who ever appeared on the Friends program must be included in the collective grave of the Cast of Friends Dead to Me plot until Dr. Colbert says otherwise.