I fear what I don't understand, and I don't understand this.
Be less random and more truthy--use your gut.

Bruce Willis is a Secret Republican.
But I'll Never Tell!

Bruce Willis Edit


Ladies & Gentlman, Ashton Kutcher's Dad Bruce Willis!!

Born in 1789, he was the love child of John Adams and George washington, named after his uncle, Sparticus Edward Johnson. Nothing is know of him during that time of his life but it is documented that a Sparticus Johnson was ommited to a Chryogenics facility in downtown Chicago.

In 1985 Sparticus was released and persued his acting career. Failing at first, he decided changing is name to Bruce Edward Willis, it is still uknown why he chose this name, some say it was the name chosen directly by Stephen Colbert himself or one of Santa's elves, that we may never know.

After his name was changed he tried once more and succeeded getting his first role on the hit T.V. show moonlighting. After that one morning he was feeling quite hungry so he had a box of good ole' american breakfast, cheerios, but these were special cheerios. About an hour after he ate, his stomach began grumbling he went to the bathroom and when he sat on the toilet he heard an odd splashed, he turned and looked down to see a script he read it and immediatly fell in love with what we know now as Die Hard. This particular event also produced Danny DeVito. Willis is the father of Ashton Kutcher.

Special Powers? Edit

After making the box office smash hit Die Hard Bruce realized that having been frozen all that time he had special healing qualities in parts of his body. Not all are know but the most famous is one of his 3 balls has the amazing ability to destroy The AIDS with just a touch, a power that is rivaled only by Stephen Colbert and haveing a power that matches our fearless leader, deserves him a Truthy and a handshake, (or slap on ass if you haven't cured your AIDS)

Amazing Feats Edit

Realizing he had these amazing healing powers, he had a brief role as a super hero. He then had to change his name once again to hide his true identity as a super hero, he changed it to clark kent which we all know as superman

His Feats Include:

  1. Destroying Communism
  2. Curing all The AIDS in Texas, The Holy Land
  3. Defeating Mothra for our friends the Japs. see Japan, World War II, Democracy
  4. Going back in time just to punch Hitler in the Vagina ( Balls are for men, and Hitler was no man)
  5. Marrying Demi Moore, no one but Ashton Kutcher has matched him since, and there's no way he's tapped that as many times.
  6. Destroying 98% of the worlds population of Bears

He tried to take on the fearsome Colbear but we all know that there is only one person who can take him on, and that is Stephen Colbert who risked his life to save Bruce. It was a battle of epic proportions, with Stephen coming out unscathed, but Bruce losing his hairline. The Colbear retreated but is still at large.

He retired from his job as a superhero just in time to film another of his great movies, Unbreakable which is a movie of a man becoming a superhero that can never be hurt and has healing powers.

The connection of the movie and his real powers is still being researched.

We also have no idea why he was chosen over Micheal J. Fox another great American and Superhero .

Family Matters Edit

Willis is the father of Ashton Kutcher.

Death?, Early Retirement? Edit

Filmography Edit

  1. Die Hard
  2. Die Hard 2
  3. Die Hard with Avengeance
  4. Sin City
  5. Abraham Lincoln: Prostitute?
  6. Unbreakable (Autobiography?)

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