Neil deGrasse Tyson
is a friend an acquaintance of "The Colbert Report"
The Report has no friends...
Neil deGrasse Tyson
has been a guest of The Colbert Report five times
and has been nailed each time.
Neil deGrasse Tyson studies science-related stuff,
guaranteeing him a one-way ticket straight to hell.


Doesn't know if there's a Starbucks near Orion.

Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson is a celebrated American astrophysicist and director of the Hayden Planetarium in New York City. He is rumored to be sciences black friend.

He is the first threepeat guest on The Colbert Report, making him the recipient of the CB^3 (Colbert Bump cubed). Still, he talks about nothing a lot, while at the same time claiming that Intelligent Design is "intellectually lazy."

Who's being lazy, sir?

Appearances On The Colbert ReportEdit

The Nail Count: 6 (and current record holder for most nailed)

During the October 26, 2005 appearance on The Report Tyson spoke about his biggest 'accomplishment': destroying our educational system and pissing off millions of schoolchildren by removing Pluto from the list of planets. By August 17, 2006, however, deGrasse Tyson was forced to admit his intellectual humiliation when the International Astronomical Union declared that Pluto would remain a planet, just as Stephen had called.

This touched off another controversy however, as the IAU redefined what it meant to be a planet (you just have to be round), thereby threatening America's planet and America's solar system. With the help of Dr. deGrasse Tyson, Stephen laid some smack-talk down on Charon, Ceres, and 2003UB313 (if that is its real name.)

On April 30, 2007, deGrasse Tyson returned to The Report for the third time, to discuss Stephen's plans for the colonization of New Earth, also known to the scientistas as Gliese 581 c. He reported that New Earth most likely has no bears and that they are probably just now receiving our broadcasts of The MTV's Beavis and Butthead. Oh, how giddy they must be.

Explained How To Be An AstrophysicistEdit


February 13, 2008

Simultaneously gave Stephen a tour of the Hayden Planetarium while explaining the history of all time and the universe, for the very first edition of Stephen Colbert's Fallback Position.

June 25, 2008 NailingEdit


    • frequent guest and astrophysicist
  • historic, first five-peat!
    • officially a BFF (Best Friend Physicist)
  • dressed nattily as if for boating
  • host of NOVA Science Now
  • 12 minutes of science, freeze-dried form
    • Stephen could do it in less than 12 minutes: God Did It
  • Stephen doesn't see the color of matter
    • doesn't see dark matter
  • Mars is cool
  • ice is a minimum prerequisite
  • people on Mars are called Martians

June 29, 2009 NailingEdit


  • only 6-time nailed

Only a scientist can find some relationship between science and showering.

  • he's a scientist
    • 7x7=49 (in base 10)
  • Host of NOVA Science Now (see picture at right)
  • society that Stephen lives in doesn't have science
  • see science as existing all around
  • there may be no science in medicine
    • science of nailing
  • he is a knowledge pusher
    • first show is free
  • tries to make science accessible
  • The USA Today had a poll saying how many Americans can name a scientist
  • it takes the Earth one year to go around the sun
    • on average
  • Obama is creating an atmosphere and landscape
    • last person to do that? God

Influential PersonEdit

Dr. deGrasse Tyson was named one of Time Magazine's “100 Most Influential People” for 2007 after Stephen passed his Influence Torch on to him. Stephen's only request is that Neil name a planet after him, although he is disappointed that he had to ask.


  • Death by Black Hole (and Other Cosmic Quandaries)


  • Not the crazy Tyson
  • Believes the universe is 13.7 billion years old. Obviously hasn't read the Bible.
  • East coast, Ivy League educated liberal elitist
  • Makes John Stewart horny when he talks about science.
  • Has no back end cut of the profits from the hit film Night at the Museum

See AlsoEdit

Tubes ResourcesEdit

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