Brian Greene

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Brian Greene
has been a guest of The Colbert Report
and got nailed in the process
Brian Greene studies science-related stuff,
guaranteeing him a one-way ticket straight to hell.


Greene's strings: pulled by Charles Darwin?

Dr. Brian Greene is an American professor of physics at Colombia University and one of the top minds in super string theory.

On the November 28, 2005 edition of The Colbert Report, this space egghead appeared for a ritual nailing at the hands of Stephen Colbert.

Despite Greene's Doctorate in theoretical physics, Stephen will not trust subatomic particles until they appear on The Report to engage in our national debate. If they don't, they're cowards.

According to new theories, Greene and his Labcoat Larrys now believe that most forms of time travel to the past are now impossible.

In The NestEdit

String TheoryEdit

String theory can be easily explained after first gaining a deep understanding of quantum mechanics which requires detailed knowledge of the Theory of Relativity. It's just that simple. Critics of string theory say that it is meaningless because its predictions can't be observed with fancy science machines. Stephen says it's meaningless because its predictions can't be observed with your gut.

The Arrogance Of The EggheadsEdit

Greene represents a community of scientistas who believe that a unified theory of physics can describe the entire universe. But the 'strings' they so desperately cling to are "too small to be seen." They can just say things and not have to prove them, unlike religion. Still, Greene claims these strings look and vibrate like strings on a tiny violin.


The theory is so elaborate and hard to grasp that Stephen called on Occam's Razor to prove that Intelligent Design is a much better explanation for the Universe. Greene tried to explain that string theory relies on cold, hard facts, but facts are for people who think too much with their heads and not enough with their guts.

The Bottom LineEdit

Greene is basically saying we descended from monkeys. That's ridiculous; the only thing that comes close to proving that heretical theory is the existence of Alan Colmes, and there is no conclusive evidence that he is human.


  • The Fabric of the Cosmos: Space, Time, and the Texture of Reality
  • The Elegant Universe

May 27, 2008 nailingEdit


  • co-founded World Science Festival
    • quantum physics gave Stephen his cellphone
  • science is intimidating
    • above God evidently
  • calls science the great equalizer
  • science is an adventure story
  • science does not have large breasted robots
  • being interpreted by a modern dance troupe
  • has his own theory

See AlsoEdit

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