Breaking News/Archive/122006

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Liberal Media Selects "Internets Sexual Predators" Their "People of the Year" for 2006

The liberal media have shat on The Baby Jesus yet again. In the most blatant slap in His Holiest face, "Time" magazine awards their "Person of the Year" award to "anyone using or creating content on the World Wide Web", which means internets sexual predators!

Good going, you filthy, filthy commies!

Now you have gone and made The Baby Jesus cry. Are you happy now? ###

Hot Stock Tip!

RED STATE, AMERICA, December 15, 2006--
Important News from Insider Stock Division

Market analysts are now recommending immediate investment in the newest hot industry: Stool Testing!!! There are many subsectors to choose from:

  • equipment manufacturing
  • sample handling services
  • sample shipping services
  • sample testers and
  • sample analysts

Since the FDA has proven itself to be a part of the government and not in support of The Baby Jesus and all that is Holy, America's foods have become the targets of terrorist schemes.

No one has died from this (U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!) but many people have become sick (at least not sick enough to need the services of the Pharmaceutical Industry).

And this is where the Stool Testing Industry can fill the gap while boosting their bottom-lines.

Call your broker today and tell them has recommended the Stool Testing Industry as a must buy!

God Bless America!


Halliburton Opens New Division

HOUSTON, TEXAS, December 15, 2006--

The world's greatest corporation has announced today that it will be expanding into the field of health services.

"We here at Halliburton are not out to make a buck, we just want to make America safe," said an unnamed spokesman during a phone interview with, "all we are concerned about is the health and well-being of Americans."

The company allowed the press a short tour of their new fully-equipped Health Services facility in Houston. A small, snack was provided during a dignified poetry reading with Russell Simmons in the Kenneth Lay Memorial Free Market Auditorium. Mr Simmons later signed Official Halliburton Specimen Cups for all the participants.



RED STATE, AMERICA, December 12, 2006--

An unnamed health advocacy group has released a new unpublished study showning that certain food products designed for babies have been manufactured using birth control pills as their main ingredient!

The unnamed group goes on to say in their unpublished report that the real culprit is soy.

Real Americans are asked to gather all food products containing soy together for a church-sponsored bonfire.

Your pastor has started a phone-tree as this HEALTH ALERT is being distributed so that only The Best Americans can be protected from this menace!

Please note: if you or your child have been in contact with any soy-based products in the past 6 years you may have been contaminated. Look for these warning signs of soy-poisoning:

  • feminization
  • light-in-the-loaferness
  • anu-hunger
  • sudden desire for leather-based clothing
  • sudden ability to dance
  • sudden desire to dance

If you or any of your family are experiencing any of these symptoms, seek medical help immediately at your local church. will be following this story while drinking rBST directly from a Ggenetically modified cow.


ACLU Tries to Prevent The Saving of American Troops

WASHINGTON D.C., December 11, 2006--
There is a battle being waged by American troops today.

But, it is not on the battlefields of a free Iraq.


This battle is for the souls of the very troops doing the fighting--and yes --the dying just so some Islamo can worship Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior wearing a towel on his head while keeping his money instead of paying it to a government in a country free from civil war.

An obstacle stands silently in their way: the ACLU. Like an IED on the road to redemption, ready to prevent opportunity from spreading the glorious freedom that God has bestowed upon America's Planet, the ACLU has enlisted the help of activist judges to undo God's work.

Today, the Pentagon stands as a beacon of shining light guiding Our Troops to salvation. Yet, the ACLU wants to stop officers from saving the souls of the enlisted men.

Since the ascention of The Greatest President Ever to the White House, the Pentagon has been able to save the souls of troops with more freedom than the previous occupant allowed.

"Before an Evangelical was placed in The House of Our Lord, we had to hide," an unnamed officer told today from his safe stateside office, "as if we were ashamed of something. I am not ashamed to proclaim my faith in Jesus! Hallelujah! Now, I can share my faith in Jesus with the troops who must obey my every command. It is very liberating!"

As the officer skipped back to his office following the press conference the room was filled with an air of Heavenly Sacrifice and rapture.

May The Heavenly Father smote every ACLU-card carrying commie where they stand, if they so much as think of preventing one troop's soul from being saved!



John McCain Proves His Law-abided-ness

WASHINGTON, D.C., December 8, 2006--
Hallelujah! Finally, a real America steps up to the plate to defend America from Liberalism!

The Republican Senator John McCain has proclaimed his affiliation with the With Us side in the War on Crime.

Liberals, on the other hand, have sided once again with the Against Users, child molesters and all-around commie, pinko, homo, Jesus-hating, Hate America Firsters.

McCain drafted legislation today to protect Jesus' Internet Tubes from wickedness and other forms of filthy, filthy Liberalism.

"The following web pages will be held accountable in this life for supporting The Liberal Agenda," Senator McCain read from a prepared statement, "Web pages that accept images from their users; any Web site with a message board; any chat room; any social-networking site; any e-mail service; any instant-messaging service; any Internet content hosting service."

To finish the exhaustive list, a spokesman then took over for the out-of-breath McCain, "...any domain name registration service; any Internet search service; any electronic communication service; and any image or video-sharing service."

As the spokesman was treated with oxygen by a near-by waiting ambulance, a written statement was handed out to the assembled reporters, showing a web page containing more information.

When asked what her feelings were on the legislation, Hillary Clinton started talking about so many other things, that this reporter got bored and walked away, I mean, seriously, she can't asnwer a question with a simple "yes" or "no" when asked if she loves The Baby Jesus?

Loser. ###

Liberal Taken Prisoner in War on Christmas

JESUSLAND, FLORIDA, December 8, 2006--
A liberal was taken as a prisoner of war by American troops in the War on Christmas today after attempting to sell un-American items as Christmas items.

"Whenever you have items that make The Baby Jesus cry, you cannot call them Christmassy", Florida's Governor and Presidential candidate, Jeb Bush said, "and porn is not Christmassy."

All-American soldiers working for a private contractor took the unnamed liberal into custody under the watchful eye of Mr. Bush and the 101st Emergency Florida Photo-ops Battalion. tried to reach Hollywood's favorite pornographer, Michael P. Keaton for a comment, but Rush was right: he couldn't stop shaking long enough to explain why he supports pornography, but not The baby Jesus.

Number of Reporters Jailed Hits Record

NEW YORK, NEW YORK, December 7, 2006--
Police officials around the world have worked tirelessly to jail as many reporters as they could in 2006 and it seems they were able to break their old record.

"I don't know what to say, this is so overwhelming!" a spokeman for the police said, "We have so many people to thank...first off to all the cops out there: 'you're my boys, yo!' To the courts who looked in the correct direction while we cops did our thing: 'we couldn't have broken the record without you, thanks brothers.' And, last but not least, we would like to thank the media themselves, without whose back-stabbing complicity none of this would have been possible. Thank You Rupert Murdoch, WOO HOO!!!" ###


Some quantities of Stephen Colbert's Formula 401 may have been contamined by an unspecified number of David Crosby sperm at the Harvesting Lab due to an accident.

Please contact Stephen for a complimentary replacement bottle or in-home consultation.


Cat Stuck In Tree

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA - A cute, furry feline climbed a tree this afternoon and is still there. For more, please watch the following:


Terrorists Infiltrate American Corporation

File this story under "HOLY CRAP!" or maybe even, "SEE? WE TOLD YOU IF DEMOCRATS TOOK CONGRESS, TERRORISTS WOULD TAKE OVER AMERICA!" reporters discovered secret Mooslim terrorist cells inside a prominent American corporation.

For more information, click here.


Divine Retribution!

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, NEW YORK, December 5, 2006--
God's vengenace is swift and righteous!

Praise Jesus!

Within hours after an activist judge allowed a woman to hang a "peace symbol" wreath on or near her home, The Lord Our God saw fit to smote a liberal!

Finally, God will be removing liberals one at a time (Can't wait for Him to get to Satan's Minion)!

What a Father God is, no man could ever give His Son a better gift!

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Halleluliah! ###

Kennedy Family Trying to Ride Dr. Colbert's Coattails

CAMBRIDGE, Taxachusetts, December 1, 2006--

Ace driving instructor and Coattail-rider, Teddy Kennedy was exposed this weekend trying again to ride Dr. Colbert's Glorious coattails.

At the Kennedy Klan's school of Socialism at some place called "Havre'd" (spelling?), Mr. Kennedy posed as a man named "Chris Corcoran" and attempted to interview Dr. Colbert.

Ann Coulter and the students of her prestigious institute were able to see through the ruse in time for Dr. Colbert to escape unharmed.

Safely outside the orgy-torium, Dr. Colbert released a statement through a spokesman:

"If not for the brave actions of a few souls, Dr. Colbert would still be in the clutches of the hippie liberals to this moment. Dr. Colbert would like to thank the patriotic citizens who were able to free him from a Kennedy. That is all."

When asked about his involvement in the incident, Barack Obama did not return calls. can safely assume he was behind the entire filthy, filthy enterprise.

Check back regularly for podacsts of the entire incident. ###

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