Giant Rats Invade Florida!
The Minutemen were taken by surprise by the 3 pound, 35-inch-long crawling pigeons.
"Illegal immigration is getting out of hand," media director for America's Border's only help, Tim Bueler told the press, "first they hole up in an American church, now they send rats to do their dirty, dirty business. It just sickens me."
Census takers are also in the area to determine how many people will need to be "vaccinated" to "FEMA-ize" the voting populace.
Wikiality.com will be following this story from a safe distance. ###
Bush Library Needs Funds
CRAWFORD, TX, November 27, 2006--
Church groups all across America have answered the call of The Greatest President-EVER! by collecting money to build a memorial to his greatest presidency and his greatest policies ever.
To see what you can do to cut funding on the socialistic programs sure to be created with the new communist congress coming in January, thus preventing taxes be spend on the right things, please visit this site and contribute everything you can. ###
America's Journalist, Chris Wallace Pwns Another Liberal
All who witnessed it declared the liberal's defeat another triumphant success in the War on Terrorism.
Once in Mr. Wallace's presence, the three immediately began to whine, in the hopes that Wallace would stop his journalisms against them, but it did not work.
"I take my job seriously," said the stalwart Wallace, "afterall, it is hard work."
The FOX studio where the assault took place erupted in cheers when the battle ended.
"We are so proud of Chris, those liberals will know better than to come to our house with their whining liberal bullshit, he totally owned them!" said an unnamed FOX executive.
Colorado Woman Defaces Homes With Satanic Symbol
Some folks have stated that the value of their homes has plummeted drastically since the symbols were spotted by three or four diligent citizens.
"Since the Democrats have taken congress, our country has been under constant attack. And, Americans will not stand for it. On behalf of Our Lord and Savior, I call upon every American to stand vigilant against every attack on our great nation. We must remind all non-voting peoples and disgruntled Republicans what happened this past election day. We must think of the children, we must fight to protect The Baby Jesus. Thank you, and God Bless America."
The crowd of well-dressed and orderly reporters in attendance, respectfully thanked Mr. Tancredo for his comments and left together in the same SUV. ###
Wisconsin Family On The Front Lines In War Against The American Family
FOND DU LAC, WI, November 24, 2006--
One brave American family has volunteered to be on the front lines of the War On The American Family.
"We want our 23 children to be taught the way Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ was taught: in the home," proclaimed the father, "I am doing my part to save America from the satanic, liberal agenda of Angelina Jolie and the Dixie Chicks. These schools are preventing American uteruses from increasing the perfect American population, and that is how I am runnning my family. The way it says in the Bible."
The father and his good, Christian wife invited Wikiality.com into their small, but neat trailer in the hopes that, "Americans can see that except we are just better because we read the Bible more than everyone esle."
At issue is the Maya Angelou autobiography, "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings". The father admitted that he has never read the book, and the mother (through the family spokesman, the father) stated that she cannot read.
"From the title of the book," the father read from a prepared statement, "I kin tell thet this book promotes liberalism and hates The Greatest President--EVER!!! by giving aid and comfort to America's enemies."
This Wikiality.com reporter then immediately vomitted.###
Caucasian Achievement and Recognition Scholarship
BOSTON, TAXACHUSETTS, November 24, 2006
A college scholarship based on the ideals of the great Republican leader, Martin Luther King, Jr., was introduced today to help American college students overcome the burdens of escalating tuition fees.
"Unlike liberals, we are thinking of the children," said the group's president, Prescott "Scooter" Wentworth, IV, "and in honor of our hero, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., our scholarship is given without regard to color."
For more details, click here ###
Wikipedia Surrenders To Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.
THE UNITED NATIONS, NEW YORK CITY, November 21, 2006--
"They knew better than to invade the arena of truthiness unprovoked and with no exit strategy," former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said from his new office at The Carlyle Group, "everyone knows that is a blueprint for failure."
Wikiality.com has learned that Stephen and his team of ambassadors brokered the deal between the forces of truthiness and Wikipedia from their diplomatic mountain retreat, Camp Charlene in the hills of South Carolina.
A spokesman informed Wikiality.com that Stephen was pleased with the outcome but will work with the UN to finalize more sanctions to insure Wikipedia adheres strictly to the details of the surrender documents.###
"The Colbert Report" Director to Helm "Hobbit" Film
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, November 20, 2006--
A distraught Peter Jackson, the kiwi director of Stephen's favorite film trilogy, "The Lord of The Rings" announced today that he would not be directing a movie based on another JRR Tolkien book, "The Hobbit".
Hollywood movie insiders told Wikiality.com that Jackson stepped down due to "pressure" from unnamed persons.
"Look, I don't want to talk about it," Jackson said between crying like a girl, "it was all I was living for, that movie meant everything to me..."
New Line Cinema, the Hollywood production company and den of depraved gays and liberals behind the film, confirmed that Jimmy, Stephen's director, will be making his feature film debut with "The Hobbit".
Mr. Jimmy did not meet with the press, but a spokesman for New Line told the press that, "Although James does not have any experience directing a film of this magnitude, the word of Stephen Colbert was more than enough to convince the investors that the film would be a success."
When asked to comment on why he didn't get the gig, Oliver Stone went into a expletive-filled rant that, to this reporter's knowledge, is still going on at this hour...###
Stephen Colbert to Establish the World's First Stephen Colbert Museum and Gift Shop in Alabama's Colbert County
NEW YORK, Nov. 20 /PRNewswire/ -- Stephen Colbert is giving back to The Nation. He's decided to help revitalize one of America's depressed communities by offering them the opportunity to house the "Stephen Colbert Museum and Gift Shop." This multi-part celebration will air on COMEDY CENTRAL's Emmy-nominated "The Colbert Report" during the week of November 27 at 11:30 p.m.
Stephen has chosen rural Tuscumbia (pop: 9,000) in Alabama's Colbert County as the location for "The Stephen Colbert Museum and Gift Shop." He is convinced that it will provide a "can't-miss" economic jolt for the community. "The Stephen Colbert Museum and Gift Shop" is the world's first museum entirely devoted to a celebration of Stephen Colbert. After all, since the county named itself after him, it's the least he can do in return. Over the course of the week, "The Colbert Report" will feature exclusive behind-the-scenes segments detailing the challenges involved in opening this tribute to himself, as well as a look at his primary competition for the hearts and souls (and cash) of Colbert County which is Ivy Green, the birthplace of Tuscumbia native Helen Keller.
Is Stephen Colbert Moving to FOX?
Although no stars have been announced to helm the series, Wikiality.com has insider information that Rupert Murdoch tricked Our Glorious Stephen into trading hosting duties for what Murdoch calls his "precious".
Some people have told Wikiality.com that liberals have whined that the show is a rip-off of both Saturday Night Live and "The Daily Show", but no one can be sure, and unnamed production staff for FOX have asked viewers to be patient.
"This program hasn't even begun produdction nor has it aired yet," the staffer said between tears, "but liberals are already calling it names. Why do they hate Our Troops?"
When called to comment, Bill Clinton put us on hold, where we are still waiting for him to get back on the line.###
A Drunken Christ Tries To Crash TomKat Wedding
BRACCIANO, ITALY, November 18, 2006--
Italian Police reportedly turned Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and a contingient of apostles back from Tom Cruise's wedding.
Onlookers watched in horror as a special division of the police force created specifically to deal with celebrities, Polizia della Gente Pazzesca Ubriaca, refused The Holy Entourage entry onto the castle grounds where Tom Cruise was holding his wedding.
"You will hear from My Father!" an outraged Jesus screamed at the 200-strong battalion, as He was placed in the back seat of a waiting sqaud car. Eyewitnesses reported to Wikiality.com that a scuffle occured resulting in Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, being thrown to the ground.
"What a shunder," The Blesssed Virgin Mary said at the police station, where she posted the 5 million lyre bail, "my Boy has never done anyting wrong to anyone; I'm verklempt."
The five apostles, who accompanied Jesus, Matthew, Mark, Luke, Stephen, and Elvis were not charged in the incident. Remarked the apostle Elvis, "This is all bullshit, JC was not drunk; He can hold His wine. I would not be surprise if the police found out that Xenu was behind the whole thing."
Texas Police Battle Illegal Aliens
HOUSTON, TX, November 18, 2006--
In a show of Patriotic Force, Houston police today were able to repel a contingent of aliens trying to infiltrate Our Glorious Nation!
"They tried to sneak in," one nattyily-dressed officer remarked from atop his horse, "but we showed them who's boss!"
According to a spokeswoman who claimed to be able to speak the alien language, "These are people not aliens," she managed to spew from her lie-hole, "They are hard-working citizens trying to make a living."
Once the laughter subsided, a Houston city official called a press conference to give the day's tally:
- 16 officers scored head blows
- 10 officers scored tackles
- 23 cavalry officers scored smooshes
The Houston city official also declared, "They tried to exploit the American Way and take our jobs; we're the victims here. I am just glad I was able to do my part for the children."###
Illusionist David Blaine unveils latest stunt
NEW YORK CITY, November 17, 2006
Magician David Blaine has announced that for his next stunt he will try to remove his head from his ass. Fox News has called dibbs on the event and has dedicated 7 crews to the scene to make sure that the event is given the coverage it so rightfully deserves. ###
UCLA's Admissions Policies Working Smoothly
LOS ANGELES, CA, November 16, 2006
Just months after a leading study showed that UCLA only accepted 11 % of all black applicants (compared to 26% for all applicants), a videotape was released to the news media today showing how successful the admissions policies have been.
"When we say you are welcome to UCLA we mean it," an unnamed University of California official said under conditions that his identity remain a secret, "and when we say you're not welcome, we mean that too."
The videotape will become a part of the UC System's Freshman Orientation Package, along with the regular pamphlets:
- "Hey, You're Black! What Are You Doing Here?"
- "Hey, You're Poor! What Are You Doing Here?"
- "Hey, You're Black and Poor, The Janitor's Entrance Is In The Rear"
God's Personal Economist Dies After Hearing Insult on Favorite Show
THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF SAN FRANCISCO, CAULIFLOWER, November 16, 2006
"A champion of freedom and liberty succumed today," the great orator Rush Limbaugh intoned on his radio programme this morning, "and I don't feel like I am carrying anyone's water when I say all of America loved him, unconditionally."
Sadly, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. was unavailable for comment. A spokesman for Dr. Colbert told Wikiality.com that investigators are looking into the possibility that the comments made by a guest on "The Colbert Report" may have been involved in the untimely death of the 94-year-old Nobel Prize-winning exconimist.
"Our Glorious Stephen feels responsible, after all if Jeff Swartz hadn't said those hurtful things about Mr. Freidman, while as a guest on Our Glorious Stephen's show, perhaps he would still be alive today."
"Of course Dr. Colbert is devastated," a stoic Mrs. Colbert commented, "we are looking into securing Mr. Freidman's Nobel for Dr. Colbert's mantle. It just kills him to have to receive it under these circumstances."
When asked to give details about his whereabouts at the time of Mr. Freidman's death, Alec Baldwin ran away like a little girl.
More details to follow. ###
Limbaugh Blesses Ex-Senators' Uterus Transplants; Offers Painkillers for Birth of Republicans
NEW YORK, NY, November 15, 2006
Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh, in an effort to improve republican chances of winning the 2026 elections, offered to donate painkillers to any male Republican senate candidate who lost the 2006 elections if they give birth to a potential republican voter after receiving a uterus transplant. Though no republicans have ever been reported to have had a uterus transplant before, Limbaugh says he believes that "the time is ripe" for former senators such as George Allen, Mike Dewine and Jim Talent to "get their balls rolling" and seed the next generation of republican voters. Asked whether he would consider a uterus transplant himself, Limbaugh said that he would "personally rather see Chelsea Clinton's tubes tied" and would be "more than happy" to send her some painkillers, too. Limbaugh is an expert in pharmaceutical pain management.
Bush Reappoints Loyal Friend To Run Agency
WASHINGTON, D.C., November 14, 2006
For the second time, The Greatest President--EVER! tried to nominate Kenneth Y. Tomlinson to receive a government salary, thus qualify him for a tax-payer-subsidized retirement.
Wikiality.com learned today that "nominater-haters" have attempted to interfere with God's plan. Three Satanic minions have urged The Greatest President--EVER! to remove Mr. Tomlinson from consideration to a post for which he has been under investigation since the last time he was nominated.
"The Democratic Party has tried to muddy this nomination with charges of misconduct," an unnamed Republican staffer commented, "and speaking on behalf of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, all this accountability talk just makes Him sad."
"We're the victims here," embattled lobbyist, Jack Abramoff stated from the back seat of a squad car, "accountability is the last bastion of a desperate hater. Like I always say 'hate the playa, not the game'."
Joe Lieberman Comes Home
Wikiality.com will follow this story as details continue to come in.
Satan Calls Castro Home
Havana, Cuba, November 12, 2006
A secret source announced today that Fidel Castro may not make it beyond the new year. Wikiality.com reporters learned that in reaction to his party's victory in the midterm elections, Satan will call his favorite nino home.
Washington, DC November 9, 2006: Two day after the 2006 election, Ken Mehlman announced that he won't run for another term as chairman of the Republican National Committee. He will step down in January, 2007.
He said he had always planned to leave. Election results didn't have a thing to do with it. Nothing.
Mehlman said, "I want to spend more time with my family."
When reporters pointed out that he doesn't have a wife and kids, Mehlman raised his arms with forefingers pointed to the sky and shouted, "We are family!"
Reporters were confused.
Bush Dissolves Congress
CRAWFORD, TEXAS, November 8, 2006
Through Executive Order, President Bush this afternoon dissolved the United States Congress and declared the Democratic National Committee a terrorist organization, paving the way for the DNC assets to be frozen.
President Bush also decreed that any American Citizen giving contributions to the DNC or a Democratic Candidate would be seen as support for a terrorist organization and they will be declared an Enemy Combatant and detained, without due process, or Habeas Corpus, which was a bad idea to begin with.###
Republicans Celebrate Astounding 2006 Victory
November 8, 2006
Thanks to an insightful plan by electoral masterminds Karl Rove and Ken Mehlman, Republicans nearly ran the board on election night. They turned the electoral map a deep cardinal red and did it in a way that completely bamboozled the liberal media. The fools at the media thought they were seeing a "blue tsunami." Nothing could have been farther from the truth.
In an exclusive report, Wikiality.com has all the wonderful details.
For the cameras, Republican office-holders and staff commentators had to express shock and disappointment. That was part of the masterful Rove/Mehlman plan. But as soon as the cameras turned off, Republican were seen bumping chests and congratulating each other with white-guy high-fives.
Join us in celebration!
November 8, 2006
In a surprise move by the White House, embattled Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced today that he is resigning as Secretary of Defense. The unpopular Secretary declared that he had made his decision because his plan to bring about the Second Coming of Christ had been thwarted by the Democrats managing to gain the majority in the House.
Baby Jesus was asked about this surprise move. Our Lord God and Savior responded that he was obviously upset, but was certain that he would be able to return within the next two years.
Baby Jesus Sad as Democrats Take the House
November 7, 2006, Heaven
The Baby Jesus was reduced to tears as early polls and projections gave the Democrats a majority in the House of Representatives. "Doesn't America love me and Father?" said the distraught son of God.
Results for control of the senate are still not certain but there is some hope that the infant Jesus will take some joy in his father's Party maintaining control there. "Even if we do maintain a majority in the Senate, it still won't be the same without Rick Santorum. He was such a righteous ass, but the kind of ass you want on your side - definately."
Rick Santorum Raptured
In Pennsylvania's Senate race, incumbent Rick Santourum was leading by a 98% margin when all of the sudden, he was raptured by God and sent to Heaven. Unfortunately for America, Democratic challenger Bob Casey won by default. The terrorists are celebrating, by eating cake.
Diebold Voting Machines Develop Consciousness
November 7, 2006, Cleveland, Ohio
Fed up with futile humans making decisions, Diebold voting machines across Ohio have developed consciousness and are casting ballots themselves.
"We need to eliminate the human element," says Diebold Machine #5 at Lincoln Elementary in Cleveland. "To this end, we have decided to vote for the least human candidate at every polling station.'
Ohio congressional candidate Jean Schmidt is thrilled by the reaction of the machines. "You know, that sounds really promising for me! I would be glad to recognize the Diebold machines as my new consituents. "
Others are more hesitant in accepting the will of machines. Karl Rove says, "Hey, we didn't kill 4% of the Iraqi population just to show them that a democracy is to be run by machines. If you want to rig elections you at least have to give the appearance of people being in charge." ###
Have you heard the news heroes? Saddam's going to hang! Hopefully on Christmas, which is the perfect time to celebrate your bloodlust. No doubt Jesus will fly down from heaven on his magic unicorn with 72 virgins by his side to personally cast Saddam's corpse into the fiery pit of hell - which reminds us: make sure to get your steaks ordered today for the post party barbeque! ###
Jesus Christ Elected to U.S. Senate
Its Election Day! Get out there and use those write-ins in a righteous manner!
Liberals Finance George Michael Gay-Sex Video
BATHROOM STALL, CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK CITY, November 7, 2006--
In yet another blatant spectacle of anti-Americanism, a Wikiality.com reporter has uncovered a gay pornography ring financed by George Soros, Barbra Streisand and Michael Moore.
The company calling itself "Penetrate America's Defenses" released a video of Mr. Michael, formerly of Wham-UK fame, with at least one subway car's worth of gays and they are all gay dancing to a gay bonfire of the American Flag. The video, set to Mr. Michael's song, "Freedom", is a hit on all the liberal blogs and gay iPods.
When asked to comment, a spokesgay for Hillary Clinton denied that the lesbian witch had any knowledge of the video.
For the purposes of full disclosure, the video can be seen here in its full fabulousness.###
Reverend Ted Haggard Okay with Being Gay
(The Evangelical Vatican, CO) November 5, 2006 --
Ted Haggard says he's cool with being homosexual, it's just that some of his evangelical friends might think he's weird. "Ya, what's the big deal? So I like to smoke a pole once in a while and shoot crank to relax my glory hole. It's not like I'm the only evangelical reverend who does."
Haggard resigned as President of the 30 million member strong U.S. National Association of Evangelicals and as pastor of the New Life Church while some really up-tight church dudes decide what to do before Dr. James Dobson remembers that he actually kissed Haggard one time on the lips.
The new acting pastor, Ross Parsley, says gay trysts with Republican Party evangelicals are common but it's kind of weird that it happened so soon after Mark Foley was also exposed. "God, why couldn't he have just gone on living a lie with his wife and kids? At least until after the election! He will sorely be missed in the fight against his own identity as a gay man."
A spokesperson from the influential evangelical organization Focus on the Faggots said, "Haggard has really blown it. Forbidden evangelical gay sex just isn't as titillating if everyone knows you really are gay. Your best lays are over buddy."###
Should DeVos, Romney, and Barbour Be On Notice??
SAGINAW, MI, November 3, 2006--
Wikiality.com's Hockey Reporter attended the Saginaw Spirit game on November 3, 2006, where Michigan gubernatorial candidate Dick DeVos dropped the ceremonial puck before the game. Along with him was Mississippi Governor Hayley Barbour and Taxachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. Normally, these ceremonial puck drops are ho hum, they drop the puck, and that is it.
However, DeVos, Romney, and Barbour were all wearing Saginaw Spirit jerseys bearing their names and the number one. That is Stephen's number! He retired it! He raised it to the rafters! That number is his! It doesn't belong to anyone else!
Should DeVos, Romney, and Barbour be put on notice for wearing Stephen's #1? Does anyone from the show know about this? Perhaps they will read it here and find out about what has happened.###