Eagle Dove Under Loon

On 31st October 2007, The greenback (USD) hit 130 year low against the loonie (CAD). At about 4:15PM, each U.S. dollar was worth 94.19 Canadian cents shattering the previous record set over a century ago. Currency exchange experts expect the U.S. dollar to drop to around 90 Canadian cents before leveling off.

The American Federal Reserve interest rate cut, the Canadian tax cut, and the raising oil price combined to push the greenback down against the loonie. America is currently recovering from a Credit Crunch while Canadian Oil Sand and Offshore Oil is seeing record demand in the world market. The Credit Crunch may lead to a Housing Crunch in America as the mortgage rates reset. If that happens, Currency experts expect the U.S. dollar to drop to Civil War level.

Canadian shoppers is exploiting the strong loonie to make purchases in American shops during their snowbird trip south to avoid the icecold harsh Canadian weather. Even though the loon is soaring above the eagle, most American shops only will accept the loonie on par (1:1). American shop owners are all thanking the greatest president ever, George W. Bush, for the greenback consecutive drop over the past six years to the extremely low level today for bringing in all the Canadian snowbird shoppers. [1]

Unions May Strike Against Truthiness!

A unions of writers (who knew writers had a union!?) threaten to paralyze The Greatest Television News Program Ever!

SODOM AND GOMORRAH, CAULIFLOWER, November 1, 2007-- With a presidential campaign in full swing and a looming recount in South Carolina, citizens across America are keeping themselves informed through news programs such as The Colbert Report and its sister program, Jews' News. But, with a news writers' strike expected on Monday, November 5, 2007, America's informed citizenry fear a news blackout.

"How will America stay informed with no one to sift through the liberal media filter?" asked comedian Brian Williams, star of NBC's hit comedy show The Nightly News With Brian Williams, "Americans don't read and they cannot operate the internets so how will they get the up-to-the-minute Britney Spears' underwear sightings? Or the latest in Condoleezza Rice's battles with activist judges? How, I ask you? This is very upsetting to me..."

In addition to news programs, other television programs will be effected, such as Lost and CSI. With few exceptions , the clear majority of scripted programs on television today (including cable) employ union writers.

A representative of the Parents' Television Council who wished to remain anonymous informed that the strike may be a good thing in the long run, saying,

"Television is God's gift to us, but we have squandered it and filled it with Satan and homosexuality and every other depraved notion on the liberal agenda. All of it has come from these union writers. They have made television their sweaty orgy room instead of the vast fertile ground of wholesome family programming God originally intended for it to be. If this strike removes the influence and control these unionistas have over our children, then we are that much closer to realizing Christ's Return, Hallalujah!
"Besides, we don't care for those kinds of programs anyhow. We like programs that show the real America, the one that exists as we know it does, not as Hollywood wants to pretends it to be. The ruling days of Hollywood liberals is coming to an end, you just wait until we go after the actors; they're our next target." vows to stay on top of this very important story as it effects us directly and nothing motivates us more than something effects us directly.

PLEASE NOTE: In the event of an actual strike, promises to bring you the truthy news that Stephen would have brought you himself if Comedy Central starts airing reruns. The last writers's strike lasted five months, and we all know no one can go without truthiness for five months, so stay tuned to this internets tube for truthy news. ###

Liberals Finally Force A Draft In Iraq


The Doctor wavin' to her peeps, hollah!

Liberals have long claimed that if a draft were held, more Americans would support The Greatest President Ever's call to bring democracy to Iraq. They have finally gotten their wish.

THE WHITE ELEPHANT EMBASSY, BAGHDAD, IRAQ, November 1, 2007-- When Iraq asked the international community for aid packages that included democracy, The Greatest Administration Ever delivered. When Iraq needed help with security following a spat of skirmishes (between 2003 and present), The Greatest Administration Ever again delivered.

And now, when Iraq needs jobs, water and electrical services to a certain area along the Tigris River, again, The Greatest Administration Ever volunteered to provide any assistance needed.

Taking the lead in this endeavor is The Greatest Secretary of State Ever and future Republican Presidential Candidate, Condoleezza Rice, who has taken the lead in drafting the services of others for an indefinite amount of time in beautiful Iraq.

"I ain't lookin' out fo' mah legashizzle. I be heppin' mah bruverrs and sistahs in the Iraq and such as, muthafuqa," the eloquent beauty said in a written statement to the press.

A small number of so-called diplomats have begun to whine about being sent to the world's largest, most lavish and safest embassy. Their opinions have no place in a legitimate news story, but will post their "beliefs" to keep our promise to be fair, balanced and truthy:

"Dr.-Mrs. Rice-Bush, In regards to your request for my services in Iraq: please accept my resignation because I am a chickenshit who loves terrorists and hates America."(an excerpt from an email by one of the recruited diplomats to Dr. Rice)

Details from Mz. Rice's entire draft plan are sketchy, but insiders will share what we have learned:

  1. 200 diplomats will serve in the new Baghdad Embassy
  2. the length for their service in Iraq has not been clarified
  3. current foreign service officers who refuse to serve will be replaced with people who love America who will then be given diplomatic immunity, not that the potential new diplomats would have anything in their past records that would require immunity

At the risk of becoming the story, would like to state that Dr. Rice is well within her constitutional rights as Secretary of State to give whomever she chooses diplomatic immunity and those diplomats who won't go to Iraq to help with democracy-brining, can instead report to Gitmo.


The Greatest President To Visit Former 50th District of California To Battle Wildfires!


The dastardly Flaming Queen attacks America again!

With at least seven fires raging out of control and no end in sight to the nightmare, The Greatest President Ever will join forces with the Governator to defeat the Wildfire Menace, known only as "The Flaming Queen"!

SODOM AND GOMORRAH, CALIFORNIA, October 23, 2007-- As America is devoured by unforeseen and unprecedented droughts and fires, the people look to their heroes for safety and security (but not necessarily rights and laws)...

The Governator safely ensconced in Sacramento awaiting a water disaster to exploit or photo-op to pose in is alerted by his beacon of awareness: FOX TV says there are some fires in California's 50th district!

...Unsure of how best to take advantage fix the situation, he calls upon the only man who can help, a hero from Washington who cuts a swarthy be-codpieced figure: THE GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER and his boy wonder: Privateer Blackwater, swift of government contract and strong of extra-legal arms! Priavteer Blackwater vows to use all his security and lobbyist powers to bring order to the mostly white, suburban Republican voting stronghold!

Together they will take on their long-time nemesis: Mother Nature and her sidekick: The Flaming Queen as they try to destroy The Border Fence and all that it stands for, while at the same time funneling security work to Privateer Blackwater and construction work to his twin, Privateer Hallirbuton!!!

TONIGHT'S EPISODE: How To Dress For A Wildfire When Fall Colors Aren't Your Look!

Stay tuned for next week's episode: How Much Money Can Be Made From A Disaster?


Dr. Colbert Makes It Official On NBC's "Meet The Press"--A Editorial


Great Presidential Candidate? Or The Greatest Presidential Candidate?

The interview began coridal enough, until the Pumpkin-headed host got personal: should the candidate be allowed to pronounce his name as the Founding Fathers intended?

AMERICA, October 22, 2007-- This stage has seen many powerful world leaders and its share of seasoned politicians, but never anyone with the balls of Dr. Stephen Colbert.

Weeks went into the preparation of the event. The host, genial pumpkin head, Tim Russert took classes in joke telling, not to learn to tell the jokes himself (anyone who has seen Russert knows this will never happen) but to give the illusion that he has a sense of humor.

Russert tried very hard to trip up his guest (or nail as the kids say), but failed miserably at every attempt. He quoted some passages from the candidate's book, I Am America (And So Can You!), searching for some nonexistent hole in the author's theories, but to no avail.

At one point in the interview the host resorted to using props like a pumpkin-headed Carrot Top.

Very little new information was learned about the candidate, more was learned about the host and his liberal media bias. Russert let slip that:

  • he doesn't believe Americans can pronounce their name the way they choose
  • he has lazy or retarded researchers
  • he is not certain whether God is on our side in the war on terror, or even if he is speaking his own words
  • he assumes all his guests hate their mothers (this is most likely a projection about his feelings toward is own Mater Gourd)
  • he accuses his guests--the people who come to visit him--if they are hippies (really Russert, stop smoking whatever it is you're smoking, you might singe your rind)
  • he declares that someone with a popular show is the leader of a cult (after all, how would Russert know about having a popular show?)
  • he believes that loving Nixon is a bad thing
  • he is ignorant of the shows that have the pulse of the nation, like The Colbert Report, The Conan O'Brien Show and Grey's Anatomy
  • he knows nothing about South Carolina, the state, or anything to do with their politics, or voting in America

All in all, the interview was an embarrassment; luckily for Mr. Russert and NBC, the only thing people watch on TV on Sunday mornings is football.


Former Commander May Have Been Tortured

White House Officials became suspicious after Sanchez's appearance before a group calling themselves "Military Reporters"

ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA, October 15, 2007-- By all accounts, retired U.S. Army Lieutenant General Ricardo Sanchez was a model soldier: tough, followed orders without questions and looked really good in khaki. But a year following his forced retirement, his friends and former colleagues wonder why he suddenly spoke out against policies he had no problem supporting when he took an oath to command America's troops in Iraq.

"Whatever happened to General Sanchez has left him mentally damaged," an unnamed source close to everything told under the condition that he remain anonymous, "He is exhibiting signs of psychological stresses consistent with victims of torture."

The unnamed source says that Sanchez's change of mind about the success of the surge in Iraq most definitely occurred as a result of sensory deprivation, stress positions, electrodes to the genitals, long-term exposure to homosexual imagery and vegetarian cooking, "I've seen it before," he said mysteriously.

The red flag was raised when Sanchez appeared in public without his Army uniform on. Witnesses also state Sanchez was not wearing a regulation American Flag Pin either. It was in this condition that Sanchez was seen stumbling into the 6th annual Military Reporters & Editors conference and demanding that he be allowed to speak.

What came next shocked all even the most battle-hardened grunts in attendance.

There were no real notes taken at this type of gathering, so all the accounts come from the memories of those who witnessed it. Sanchez was reported to have said:

But, the most glaring gaffe by General Sanchez was when he said he supported affordable health care even for poor children.

"When he said that, we knew the liberal media had gotten to him," Dana Perino said during her daily press briefing the day after the incident, "when The Greatest President Ever vetoes a bill that would essentially legalize socialized medicine, everyone knows what their opinions should be, especially a three-star general. We are worried about General Sanchez's mental state, but not enough to make the treatment for it affordable." has done some investigating and discovered the address of General Sanchez's possible torturer, Graeme Frost. We will be standing outside his home and calling his phone until we get some answers to what really happened to the good general to make him change his mind in this fashion.


Nobel Prize Causing Dangerous Rise In Al Gore Hot Air Emissions

Gore oscar

Al Gore accepting his Nobel Prize.

Today's announcement that the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize will be shared by Al Gore and the U.N. Climate Change Panel has already contributed to an enormous and threatening increase in the liberal media's Al Gore hot air emissions, leaving America's Planet at risk.

OSLO, NORWAY, October 12, 2007--


Writers' Strike Threatens Late Night Television!

The Writers' Guild of America is threatening to strike, months ahead of the campaign season, thwarting any chance of Jay Leno being the funniest guy on late night TV.

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, October 11, 2007-- Another liberal union taunts The Ghost of Ronald Reagan with talk of going on strike.

"Heed my warning unions, you will only get job security over my dead, wait..."
~ Ronald Reagan's Ghost

The ghostly apparition rattled his chains and moaned his displeasure throughout his press conference, but the message was clear: no one in the after life favors workers over corporate citizens.

"The quality of television programs is independent of the writers," an unnamed rotund fleshy donut of a man told, "Americans don't choose their TV shows based on books they like, they choose them because they don't like books. TV should be the solution to reading!"

Industry insiders believe that without writers creating whatever it is they create, programming hours can be filled with wholesome movies from days gone by or reality shows that emphasize zero-sum outcomes in militaristic settings or more game shows like "Who Wants To Make A Deal To Marry A Five Year Old?" or talk shows starring the right kind of people talking about the right kinds of things.

No one needs writers for that!

This news story was sponsored by $cientology. $cientology, we're rich enough to influence you in ways you don't even know about.™


Al Gore Stops Chicago Marathon

Observers say he was running around shirtless pulling racers off the course. Officials ended the race to save his dignity

CHICAGO, AMERICA, October 7, 2007-- Traditionally the race is held in the coolest part of the year, so that runners don't overheat. Organizers also plan the race to avoid inclement weather. But this year, planners of the LaSalle Bank's Chicago Marathon© weren't expecting Hurricane Al.

"I have never seen a man that large move that fast," former Chicago Bears professional football player, William 'The Refrigerator' Perry, told after promising to buy him a cow's worth of steak, "I was afraid to get in his way, why are white people so crazy?"

Police started receiving reports of a fat man causing a commotion in the streets of Chicago and immediately assumed it was Teddy Kennedy, but when they discovered no vehicles were involved, they got confused and promised to investigate as soon their union breaks were over.

Once police ambled over to the marathon finish line, the race had been going for over three hours and thousands of people had already completed the torturous circuitous route. [1]

Local firemen had Mr. Gore trapped against a building and were using their hoses to guide him into a donut shop, where police arrested him.

He was eventually released back onto his private jet to return to his native Hollywood.


Republican Senator To Retire

In a first for The Greatest Administration Ever, Pete Domenici, the senator from New Mexico, has announced he will retire amidst the greatest legislative success ever!

"My work is done here," the slight man behind the podium struggled to shout above his adoring crowd, "I want to thank each and everyone of you for helping me make my time in the senate to successful!"

To outsiders it seemed like a celebration, but for the staffers, interns and constituents of Peter "The Great" Domenici, the press conference announcing his retirement was more like a funeral.

The Greatest President Ever Demands Iran Allow Him to Speak At One Of Their Universities

The Islamic Republic of Iran has not yet accepted The Greatest President Ever's democracy-bringing speech to their largest educational cave, Al-Qaeda University

After allowing the president of Iran, Mahamoud Ahamedjihateamericaejad, to speak at New York's leading hippie university, Columbia[2], The Greatest President Ever demands the opportunity to speak at one of their madrassas, telling the UN:

"Is Islamoos learnin'? I want to talk to The Iraq and other countries like The South Africa, such as, so they can put democracy on their families. I believe fish and doctors coexist to share their love of women throughout Iran. God Bless America!

As expected, Nancy Pelosi delivered Iran's response:

ALALALALALALALA!!! Allah Akbar! Death to America!

Besides Ms. Pelosi's official comment, Iran has not scheduled a date for when they will accept the democracy The Greatest President Ever wants so desperately to bring them.

Upon hearing of the exchange, North Korea's president, Kim Jong Il, demanded that he be allowed to speak at a preschool about nutrition. Then, Myanmar Prime Minister, General Thein Sein volunteered to hold an 8-day seminar on democracy with Sudan's President, President Umar Hassan Ahmad al-Bashir.

Not to be ignored King Abdallah bin Abd al-Aziz Al Saud, leader of Saudi Arabia (Peace be upon their Cash) demanded that he be allowed to visit Wellesbian College to discuss women's rights.


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