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Breaking News/Archive/102006

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Peace!

As of October 30th, 2006, 11:23 EDT, Dr. Stephen Colbert brokered the Stephen Colbert/Barry Manilow Peace Accord. Even liberal rag the New York Times recognized the import of such a momentous turning point in American history and have boldly declared that if peace can be had by Dr. Colbert and his nemesis Manilow, the cessation of all hostilities in the Middle East cannot be far behind. It is unkown what impact this may have for the upcoming World War III scheduled for 2007. It is suspected it may be pushed back to 2008 and possibly 2009 and moved to China should conditions persist. ###

"Frankenstein" Author's Distant Relative Reveals Hidden Family Secret

RICHMOND, VA, October 30, 2006--
A distant relative of the author of "Frankenstein" revealed today that his ancestor, Mary Shelley, did everything she wrote in her most famous novel.

"Most people believe her novel to be a work of fiction," George Allen-Wollstonecraft told a Wikiality.com reporter late Sunday evening, "but it wasn't. She actually did dig up dead bodies and reanimate dead flesh."

Mr. Allen-Wollstonecraft grew up knowing he was related to the coked-up author and was always interested in his family's history, saying he felt his connection with creativity was due to his Great-Great Aunt's propensity for the written word.

"She was a writer, I became a writer," lamented the distraught Allen-Wollstonecraft, "and now I'm going to have to dig up dead bodies and reanimate them, just like she did."

Allen-Wollstonecraft had to conclude the interview so he could make a previous engagement with two DHS agents.

Stephen King did not return calls from Wikipedia.com about his car, his dog or an incident that occured at his high school prom.###

Why Does YouTube Hate Our Stephen Colbert Videos?

(The Internets - Oct 27, 2006) REPORTS ARE FLYING THROUGH THE INTERNETS TUBES this afternoon that a third party (probably attorneys for Comedy Central) had made a DMCA request to take down Colbert Report and Daily Show clips from YouTube. Colbert clips are still on YouTube, but for how long?

Michael J. Fox - Fakes Parkinsons Disease

(Missouri - Oct 26, 2006) Rush Limbaugh has called out Michael J. Fox's poor performance as a man with Parkinson's disease. With unrealistic convulsions and unconvincing spasms, Michael J. Fox's act was due to be discovered sooner or later. Fortunately, a true hero stepped up to the plate and exposed this liberal-loving, baby-killing fascist. Stem Cell Research scientists are surely to be put on notice by Stephen Colbert in the near future.

Another One Bites the Dust

In the ongoing culture war between the it getters and all the rest, activist judges from New Jersey have just decided to make gay "marriage" legal. I read an article from some (probably liberal) newspaper and the full story sent shivers down my spine, now my body's achin' all the time. A link to the full story can be found here

Vote Tampering Expected to Help Democrats Gain Seats

October 24, 2006, ALLENTOWN, PA--
Concerned Republicans are sounding the alarm about vote-tampering this election season, warning that certain electronic voting machines may be potentially damaging to the integrity of elections in this country. The gravest danger may be that the government may fall into the wrong hands if the vote-tampering isn't addressed immediately.

"The Democratic party may gain anywhere from 15 to 40 seats in the House and may gain control of the Senate if these voting irregularities are not addressed," said an unnamed Republican staffer, "and that only helps the terrorists."

It seems the few companies that provide America with the state-of-the-art technological advances in paperless voting machines are owned by an investment group headed by Hugo Chavez and George Soros. Barbra Streisand refused to comment on her involvement. And Al Franken would not return phone calls, a spokesman, however, claimed that Mr. Franken, "was doing a 'radio show'". Wikiality.com was unable to verify if Mr. Franken actually has a job. ###

Party Affiliation Extends Life Expectancy

October 20, 2006, SAMALIA.--
The newest ad from the Republican National Convention has a message: "Vote Democrat And You Will Die." According to the ad, you can continue to consume large volumes of alcohol and calzones and be guaranteed to live another four years with the push of a button. The ad portrays Dick Cheney as the poster child for the heart attack preventing qualities of the Grand Ol' Party.

Insiders tell Wikiality.com that the Republican party hopes the message will help them draw votes from individuals living "risky" lifestyles.

For more information click here.###

Wikiality Declared Replacement for Wikipedia

October 18, 2006, NEW YORK.--
His Highness Dr. Stephen Colbert has announced that his recent assertion that the "number of African elephants had tripled in the last six months" has been shown to be not only truthy, but true. According to the International Herald Tribune, the "overpopulaton" of elephants is being arrested through judicial use of pachyderm vasectomies. Dr. Colbert appeared to refer his viewers to research the topic at the reference site, "Wikipedia", but pointedly directed the nation instead to the more appropriate Wikiality.com.###

Wikiality Reaches Random Person in Seattle

October 18, 2006, SEATTLE.--
At exactly 1:16 PM, a random person in Seattle known only as dmaycovski82, logged on and established his very own account on Wikiality. This shows not only the human tenacity one exhibits when put in a boring job with no accountability, but also proves without a doubt that there is more to do in Seattle other than protesting, drinking coffee, and buying Space Needle artwork. Presidential Pizza is just such an example. ###

Justice Department Contributes to Our Glorious Iraq Revolution

October 18, 2006, WASHINGTON, D.C.--
Alberto Gonzales announced today that the Department of Justice under his leadership has secured $2.5 billion from terrorists hiding in America.

"God bless Alberto," Dick Cheney stated, "when my administration has to go around begging for cash, it just shows who the real victims are in this war on terror."

"And it's me," Mr. Cheney said exclusively to a Wikiality.com reporter.

For more information click here.###

Ken Lay Found Innocent of All Charges

October 18, 2006, HOUSTON, TX--
A judge in Houston today cleared the embattled former CEO of Enron of all charges against him.

"My contention all along was that I never had employment relations with that corporation. And this ruling proves that reality," a sweating Mr. Lay told a Wikiality.com reporter from his home office in Hell this morning ater the announcement was made.

"All this legal stuff was daunting," he continued, "if I didn't have the same level of healthcare that Dick Cheney has, I am sure I would have died of a heart attack long ago."

When asked what his plans are now that he doesn't have that pesky Enron monkey on his back, Mr. Lay said, "I was the victim here, and I am just relieved that it's over."###

Halliburton To Sue North Korea

October 17, 2006, HOUSTON, TX--
A lawyer for America's Greatest Corporation has announced that his corporation will be suing North Korea for detonating a nuclear device this past week.

"Halliburton is the sole owner of nuclear technology and has worked tirelessly to protect it's patent," the lawyer said today during a press conference at the headquarters of the puppy-loving corporation.

"This past week's events are a threat to Halliburton's patent on nuclear devices and my company's proprietary technology. It is nothing less than an assault on my company's copyrights."

ChoicePoint, another corporation that loves America more than you ever could, has successfully protected it's proprietary software from greedy, America-hating governments from stealing their secret company patents, released a statement through their spokesman, "We love America and want nothihng more than to enjoy our freedoms. There is nothing wrong with making a profit or the contracts that allow us to get these profits. We are the victims here. God Bless America!"###

Liberals Deny The Clenis' Involvement in Recent Hawaii Earthquake

October 16, 2006, KAILUA-KONA, HAWAII--
A Republican Congressional candidate is demanding louder than anyone else can stand that liberals must explain why The Clenis caused an earthquake in his homestate of Hawaii. "Americans need to know why liberals are pro-earthquake. And I will begin investigations as soon as I am elected to represent the state of Hawaii. Thank you, and God Bless America!"###

Terrorist's favorite Liberal Lawyer to go to Gitmo

October, 16, 2006, NEW YORK -
Some people have stated their discust with liberals for allowing a terrorist to have a trial and for allowing a lawyer to defend a him.

"I heard on the radio that George Soros paid for her to defend that terrorist," said one person.

Said another, "I read that on the internets."

An unnamed staffer for a Republican official added, "Obviously, liberals are not offended at all that the terrorist on trial killed babies with his bare hands, so that he could eat them."###

The Democratic Party is Found to be Behind Every GOP Scandal

October 14, 206, WASHINGTON, D.C.--
Wikiality.com has discovered that the Democratic party has infilitrated the offices and staff of every Republican elected to public office for the sole purpose of discrediting these great leaders in the hopes that it would bring shame upon the entire party, including Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Wikiality.com discovered that the "Assistants" and "Staffers" hired to work for Republican representative Dennis Hastert were actually Democratic operatives who deliberately withheld information from the embattled Speaker, just to make him look bad.

Scott Palmer, Rep. Hastert's Chief of Staff is just the tip of the iceberg an insider told Wikiality.com late Friday night after the press went home for the weekend.

"There is no telling how big this is," said an anonymous staffer, who may or may not be a Democratic operative, or who may or may not be a red-herring plant from Karl Rove.

The anonymous staffer/red-herring plant, continued, "I am sure there are Democratic party members everywhere trying to hurt the Republican's chances for this upcoming election. It is disheartening to politicize the safety of our children." ###

Log In NOW to Chat w Mark Foley

October 12, 2006, WASHINGTON, D.C.--
A live chat session has been arranged for Foley to address the charges against him.
Go to Congressman Mark Foley and chat live with the Republican Representative. ###

GOP Uncovers Democrat Involvement in Foley-Page Scandal

October 11, 2006, WASHINGTON, D.C.--
Republican leaders have been decrying liberal involvement in the Congressional Page scandal from the very beginnning. Now, Wikiality.com has uncovered sensitive records proving that not only were liberals involved in inappropriate contact with the underage, nubile young pages, but they knew about it and held onto that information until just before a very important election.

According to this document, Democratic leaders hacked into Republican computers and watched every single one of the over 4,000 messages Mark Foley wrote in breathless an...ticipation.

Wikiality.com will be following this story as it develops, unless there is some kind of terrorist threat or something else more important happening in the world that may distract our attention...ooh, look! A kitty! ###

Singer Michael Jackson Announces He Will Run For Congress

October 5, 2006, SANTA MARIA, CA--
Mr. Jackson has announced his intention to run for Congress in his California District. Click here for more information. ###

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